'AITA for telling my daughter that my in-laws are stupid after they defended a mean kid?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my daughter that my in-laws are stupid?"

My wife and I have three kids. Our youngest, “Emily,” turned 6 last Sunday. We recently had to deal with an issue in Emily’s school. Last year, a new student joined her class and started bullying her. He’d make fun of her, call her names and steal her stuff to hide it around the school.

On two occasions, the bullying got physical. It took us a while to sort everything out, because the boy’s parents were a nightmare and nothing the school did worked. Finally, they threatened to expel him if he didn’t leave our daughter alone, and his family got him to stop. He hasn’t bothered Emily in months, and she is doing much better.

Because of how much of an ordeal this ended up being, many of our friends and family members know what happened. Most were as frustrated as we were, but my wife’s stepmother “Patty” thought the whole thing was cute. Even after we told her everything the boy did, she still insisted he probably just liked Emily and didn’t know how to show it.

For whatever reason, she’s fixated on this. Every time the subject comes up, Patty says she still thinks we’re being dramatic and the boy deserves another chance. My father-in-law fluctuates between being angry at the school and agreeing the boy was probably harmless. They never spoke about this near the kids, and my wife and I don’t give a shit what they think anyway, so we never worried much about this.

We’re throwing Emily a birthday party this Saturday. Because my FIL will be busy, we all had dinner together at a place Emily likes the day before her birthday. Near the end of the dinner, she started talking about her party, how excited she was and which of her friends were coming.

My FIL asked Emily if the bully was invited. And before anyone replied (he obviously isn’t), Patty added that it would be mean if she didn’t invite him, because he liked her and would be very sad.

Emily looked at me and my wife. I told her “Don’t worry honey, grandpa and Patty are both very stupid. Don’t listen to them.” They looked shocked, but didn’t try to argue. We had an awkward goodbye and went our separate ways. My FIL called us on Monday.

He apologized for what he and Patty said, but told us he expected me to apologize as well. He said that I crossed a line by insulting him and his wife in front of his grandchildren.

My wife and I have been on the same page throughout all this. But yesterday, she told me she was starting to wonder whether it wouldn’t have been better to deal with this privately, especially since we don’t like insulting people in front of the kids. AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

I want to offer more context on what the bully did. It was mostly verbal. He created a few nicknames that kind of (not really) sounded like Emily's real name and our last name. She once got brown paint on her clothes during art class and he started calling her "pig." He laughed whenever she spoke in class.

The teacher would always shut him down, but Emily is already a shy kid and that didn't help.They have weekly "toy days" at school, and Emily stopped bringing her toys because the boy kept stealing them or threatening to break them. He'd also take her stuff (backpack, school materials and personal items) and hide them.

We managed to get all those things back, and the closest he got to damaging something she owned was a small rip in one of her stuffed animals that my wife was able to fix. And as I mentioned, the bullying got physical twice.

On the first occasion, he pushed her off a swing set. She scraped her knees, but wasn't hurt otherwise. The school reprimanded him, but it didn't do much. A few weeks after that, he put gum in her hair during lunch.

A teacher witnessed and said that he grabbed her head violently to do so. That got him suspended, and the school threatened to expel him not long after. I don't think there's much I can say about this boy, except that he has very obvious behavioral issues that his parents refuse to manage properly.

The commenters had a lot to say.

KronkLaSworda wrote:

NTA.

You have told Patty to knock it off and then she went and tried to ruin your kid's birthday party by asking to invite that nightmare of a child to attend. She needs to get over her fixation before she pushes your family away from your dad and her.

OP responded:

I'm really glad we didn't do this dinner on her actual birthday. Emily was upset, but she was doing better the next day.

plantprinses wrote:

There was probably no other way to make your MIL shut up, so NTA. What I find disturbing is that your MIL prioritises a bully over her own grandchild! Since when is bullying a sign of affection? If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck chances are it is a duck.

Seen in a wider context your MIL enables and makes excuses for the kind of toxic behaviour that men display towards women on a daily basis. Instead of protecting her grandchild, she exposes her to a bully: that's seriously insane.

OP responded:

Back when we were having to deal with the boy's parents, one of the excuses they used (referring to the name-calling) was that all boys behaved like that around girls. I think about that a lot. Both because I know it's not true (neither of my sons are like that, nor did I act like that when I was a child) and because of how disheartening it is that people could enable that.

AdAccomplished6870 wrote:

No. Your step mother-in-law was basically telling your daughter that she should be a victim, and that her feelings of anger or resentment at being harassed were unfounded. You did well to shut that down in no uncertain terms.

Tell your FIL you will not be apologizing, and that if they continue to say stupid things to your daughter which delegitimze her feelings, you will not only call them out as being stupid, but you will cut them off. Full stop. If he has an issue with that, tell you right now and you will go ahead and cut them off right now. Your daughter comes first, everyone else is a distant, distant second.

Chance-Contract-1290 wrote:

NTA. Even if we very generously accept the idea that Patty is correct, the boy would still need to find a better way to express his feelings than mistreating people he likes. Mistreating and bullying people tends to make them not like you back. My bet is on him just being a jerk and a bully, and he needs to be punished for that before he gets older, so hopefully it'll be nipped in the bud before he goes too far one day.

A week later, OP shared an update.

I'm very grateful for the advice and support you gave me on my first post. To get it out of the way, Emily's birthday party went off without a hitch, and she had a great time with her friends. It's always bittersweet watching our little girl grow up so fast, but me and my wife enjoyed ourselves as well.

We talked more about what happened over the last few days. My wife made it very clear that she didn't care that I called her father and Patty stupid and didn't think I should apologize, but was concerned about our kids thinking I was a hypocrite.

We always aim to teach them to be kind and avoid insulting others, and it doesn't feel fair to hold them to standards we don't hold ourselves to. So Friday night, we sat the kids down and discussed what I'd said. We explained that I was upset at what my in-laws had done and was trying to protect Emily, but that what I said was still not nice and they shouldn't repeat it. I apologized for the language I used.

Besides that, my wife and I also talked about how we'd deal with her father and Patty. I told her I wanted them to apologize to Emily, and I wouldn't say a word to them until they did. She agreed with me. After the party, she texted her father the following (this is a translation): "The party went well. About what happened at Emily's birthday dinner...(my name) will not apologize."

"Patty has no right to tell our daughter how she should feel about the boy who made her life hell for months, and neither do you. I'll call you tomorrow and you'll apologize to your granddaughter. If your wife wants to continue being a part of the children's lives, she will too. And if she mentions that boy again, I'll have to seriously rethink the role we're letting her have here. This isn't up for discussion."

She showed me the text before sending it, but I agreed with pretty much everything. They had a short fight about it, but he agreed in the end. I offered to apologize to keep the peace and my wife told me not to. Both my FIL and Patty finally apologized to Emily on Sunday. We're not confident about Patty, but my FIL seemed sincere.

Either way, we've decided to loosen our ties with my wife's stepmother for a while. We're still working everything out, but we'll see her less until at least my eldest son's birthday (October). I have no doubts my FIL loves my children, but he's a very strange guy. He was overprotective of his daughters their whole youths, but frequently tells us we're dramatic when it comes to our kids.

And I never had any strong feelings about Patty, but her treatment of Emily's situation has soured my image of her. On a side note, the bully found out about the party. His mother found my wife on Instagram and messaged her to complain that he wasn't invited. My wife reminded her of the day the school threatened to kick her son out. No reply as of today.

I didn't know what to expect when I posted here, but I was glad to see that even those who thought I was in the wrong agreed that Emily and her wellbeing came first. At the end of the day, that's all I really care about. Thanks everyone.

The comments kept coming.

bluewaveempress wrote:

I'm glad you taught your daughter that ab-sive peers don't 'like her'. That kind of thinking is insane. I'm 60 and I hated hearing it when young.

OP responded:

Both me and my wife hate it too. It was especially infuriating when we were having to deal with the bully and his parents and Patty started trying to convince us that the boy had a crush on Emily. Hearing that the kid who was tormenting my daughter on an almost daily basis was "just a cute little boy who didn't know how to deal with being in love" was maddening.

Queen-Pierogi-V wrote:

I had a bit of a problem with you wanting to apologizing for calling FIL and Patty stupid. Because that type of thinking IS stupid. Abuse is never equal to love. Not ever. So what they said was stupid. And while intelligent people will often say stupid things unintentionally, stupid people believe the stupid things they say. Your FIL and Patty ARE stupid.

I was thinking about it and realized children would have possibly had a problem seeing the distinction. Perhaps next time you could say, “FIL, Patty that’s a stupid thing to say. Everyone knows XYZ.” Then later explain to children that FIL and Patty often say things that are wrong, that they don’t think before they speak.

Call them out on every stupid thing they say. Your kids will put two and two together and figure out that at best FIL and Patty are well meaning, but ignorant and at worst, stupid.

OP responded:

I think this is why I wouldn't apologize if it wasn't to keep the peace. Looking back at my first post, my biggest concern wasn't that I insulted them, it was that I did it in front of my kids. I'll try to manage this better in the future.

LakeGlen4287 wrote:

Well done, parents! This was excellent! A terrific way to manage both teaching your kids that you are there to model behavior while also fully protecting them! And excellent that you both were united in standing up to the grandparents about boundaries for your daughter. Your daughter will always know that she is safe and protected by you, and ultimately that is priceless.

Fire_or_waterkai wrote:

I thought you did great and I wouldn't apologize for calling them stupid. It's simply a fact.

Patty's point of view of "he hits you cause he likes you" is how girls grow up internalizing the bad behaviors of partners and put up with ab-se.

Also, the wtf is up with the kid's parent to go as far as complaining that their son wasn't invited to the party! They really downplayed their kid's behavior in their minds.

Sounds like you got it handled OP 😊

MossMyHeart wrote:

NTA teaching your young daughter that men treating her poorly is a form of affection seems like the perfect way to prepare her to normalize abuse in her relationships.