'AITA for telling my ex’s mom why we broke up even though I knew it'd disturb her?'
"AITAH for telling my ex’s mom why we broke up?"
I (27f) broke up with my boyfriend (33m) a few days before Christmas. His mom reached out to me right after Christmas saying she missed me and hoped I was feeling better and that she’d see me soon. I was supposed to go to his parent’s for Christmas, but obviously didn’t since I broke up with him.
That’s when I realized that he must not have told them we broke up, and even lied that the reason I wasn’t there was because I was sick. I reached out to him and told him. He said he hadn’t told his parents yet and it’s not their business. Fast forward to a few days before NYE and she texted me, asking if I was coming over to their family party.
I told her no and said that we’d broken up. When she asked why I told her to ask her son. He texted me flipping out saying that he’d already said it wasn’t their business and to leave his family alone. I told him that she was the one who reached out to me, and the only reason I told her was because I didn’t want her to keep texting me. I told him I didn’t tell her why, and told her to ask him.
Last weekend I heard through a mutual friend that he was going around telling people that he broke up with me because I’m crazy. I was upset that he had to he nerve to be badmouthing me and lying trying to make me look like the bad guy when I was keeping my mouth shut on what really happened. In reality, he got black out dr-nk and got physical.
So, I told the mutual friend the true story, including photos of my injuries. I then also forwarded the same photos and story to his mom. I said “just so you know the true reason we broke up - I heard he’s spinning the story against me.
Your son is ab-sive and has hurt me on numerous occasions. I wish you the best but I wanted to clear up whatever he may have told you.” She was super apologetic and took my side. Then my ex blew up my phone flipping out, saying what happened between us is no one else’s business.
I had no plans on sharing that with our friends or his family but when I heard that he was calling me crazy I felt like it was only fair to say what actually happened. Did I cross the line though? I feel like maybe I was an AH in saying that to his mom, instead of just telling our mutual friend.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
LeaJadis wrote:
Honey, the next time a boyfriend gets physical with you - file a police report. As you have unfortunately had to experience, it is VERY common for ab-sers to victim-blame and claim 'she's crazy'. You don't owe him your silence.
He hit you - he lost his precious anonymity as soon as he got physical with you. I'd tell absolutely everyone you know the reason you broke up BUT BE CAREFUL because he will 'get you back' however he can. Stay safe little sister.
OP responded:
Thank you. I didn’t want to cause any unnecessary drama. I wasn’t even going to tell anyone, but did take photos, just in case it came up later / he wanted to lie. He loves to gaslight and call me crazy.
PrettyLilacLass wrote:
NTA. You tried to keep things private, but your ex escalated the situation by spreading lies about you. You had every right to defend yourself and share the truth, especially when his actions painted you as the villain. His ab-sive behavior and attempts to manipulate the narrative are not your burden to bear.
Telling his mom the truth wasn't crossing a line it was a clearing up the falsehoods that were actively harming your reputation. Its not like you went out of their way to dirty laundry; you only adressed the issue when it became necessary. His reaction just proves he wanted to control the narrative and avoid accountability. You did the right thing by standing up for yourself.
Scarboroughwarning wrote:
NTA....but you really shouldn't have kept this to yourself. Beating your partner isn't acceptable, it isn't normal. I guarantee you, if she is a half decent woman, she'll give him hell. Also, she'll now watch out for his future gf's. That's the heartwarming take. He'll possibly stop. He possibly won't. But he'll be way less likely to get away with it.
OP responded:
His mom is a wonderful woman and I’m sure will give him shit for it. She told me she wished I told her sooner and to “not let any man put his hands on me.” She said she didn’t raise him to treat anyone like that and apologized.
Conscious_Quiet8126 wrote:
NTA. Your ex lied about you and tried to manipulate the narrative to protect himself. You have every right to defend yourself, especially when he’s spreading harmful lies. Sharing the truth with your mutual friend and his mom was justified, given his behavior.
Ab-se thrives in silence, and you broke that silence responsibly and with proof. His mom reached out to you first, so you didn’t overstep by clarifying the situation. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’re wrong for standing up for yourself.
OP responded:
I’m honestly so surprised by all of the support on here. He really did have me feeling like an AH for saying something.
Mi_Dia0613 wrote:
I remember reading a story where op (a man) found out his teen/adult son was physically ab-sing his gf. So op invited his son to his house for dinner then b-at the s-t out of him. He also allowed the gf to stay in his house (the son didn’t live there) since she felt unsafe.
I think it’s very important for family members to call out and ask cut out ab-sive family members. I hate it when people use the “family is everything” excuse to allow family members to hurt or ab-se others even family members. NTA. People should know the type of person the ex is.