'AITA for telling my family, 'I told you so' after my cousin showed her true colors?'
"AITA for telling my family, 'I told you so' after my cousin showed her true colors?"
Fair-Highlight7417
Little backstory first... I, 40f and my cousin, 40f didn't grow up together but every time I would visit my family from out of state, family would treat us like twins because we were so close in age. We had the same perm, same clothes (bought by family) and treated like real sisters.
As we got older, I will call my cousin Dee, Dee started to compete with me every time I would come for a visit. Mind you, her friends gravitated towards me when I came over because I was the girl from out of town. But I would never hang out with her friends without her.
Dee didn't like that her friends seemed to want to hang out with me and even told me as much. She would make contests between the two of us between her Mom, (my Aunt), and her friends such as who drew the best, who painted the best, who was faster, who was prettier, ect.
In our teens, we weren't as close but I still came over to stay with her when I was up North for a visit. I was 18 and going through past related trauma, which she knew about. I ended up losing my virginity to her boyfriends brother that summer.
About a week after, she took me to a party down the shore at her friends house. The first thing I was greeted with as I walked in the door was, "hey Your Dee's cousin who lost her virginity to Joe". I found out that Dee had told all of her friends about it. And even told several of my family members at a family function.
To say I was mortified was an understatement. Anyway, fast forward a few years, I had forgiven her. She came over to my house and we were talking about a disagreement my Mother and I had. She agreed with me and even went and told me that what had happened was wrong.
A few weeks later I had found out that she went to my Mother and told her I said all of these nasty things about her and that she didn't agree with me. That I was in the wrong. She was to be my Brides Maid for my wedding a few months down the line.
When I found out she twisted words and told my Mother that I said some hurtful nasty comments that she actually said, I called her in a fit of anger and disinvited her the wedding. She played my message to the whole family at a family function while I was at work. I know, stupid me for leaving a message.
What sliced the cake was the fact that she called my eldest male cousin, who was supposed to walk me down the isle, because my Father wasn't in the picture, and told him that he was no longer invited as well.
She told him that she was disinvited and apparently he stated, well then good because if you weren't invited, I wouldn't want to go. Paraphrasing of course because I had to hear it from other people.
I called a week before the wedding to make sure that my cousin had his tux ready to go and was informed by his Mother that he did not get a tux because he was told he was no longer in the wedding.
I was so hurt and angry. I wanted to reach out to him and tell him no, please, I want you to still walk me down the isle. Unfortunately, during that call, I was also told that he had injured himself to where he ended up in the hospital.
So I ended up walking myself down the isle. I wrote Dee off at this point. This was the third time she had stabbed me in the back. I kept forgiving her, but I didn't learn my lesson.
I always knew there was something off with her. She was also very jealous of her younger sister that has autism. So much to the point that she would put screw drivers in her wall. She had lied and manipulated and done some immoral things, not just to me but others. So, I cut contact with her, but I kept a close relationship with her Mother.
Now to present...Her Mother had been asking for years for me to reconcile with her daughter, at least for her. My Aunts' health was not good, and I figured, for her, I would reconcile but keep my distance. I had talked to Dee twice before her Mother got extremely sick right after Christmas 2023.
I talked to my Aunt while she was sick and kept open communication with her while she was trying to get better. She had told me how upset she was that Dee had come up North for 2 weeks for the Christmas break but only came and visited her once and for only 4 hours.
The rest of the time she spent with her Husband and his Family. Dee, her Husband and his family unfortunately had contracted COVID and passed it to my Aunt unknowingly. Hence why my Aunt ended up in the hospital. She already had a compromised immune system and couldn't fight through. She passed away two weeks after.
Before she got sick enough to end in the hospital, she told two separate people that she was fearful that Dee only came to see her to get the gifts and really only wanted her money and wouldn't care if she died. It was laughed off by both parties, who were told this at different times.
When my Aunt went into the hospital, it was a roller coaster. She would get better, then worse, better, then worse. Dee came up right away. What shocked most of the family is that she stated to the doctors, nurses and family that she was only giving her 6 days to get better or she would "Pull the plug".
After a few days of family trying to convince her to give my Aunt a fighting chance, she decided to hold off for a few days. When my Aunt came to and declared she wanted to fight and live, Dee had the hospital do tests to try and determine that she was not in her right mind.
The assessment showed that she was of sound mind. She fought for a little bit longer, but when it was clear she would not survive without a breathing tube, she stated that she didn't want a DNR and to let her go peacefully. My Aunt passed away a little while later.
Dee stayed in town for another few days with her husband to handle some affairs of my Aunts. She even had a dumpster delivered the day after her mother passed away and threw out ALL of her mothers furniture, which was mostly brand new. She only kept a few things.
She didn't give all the immediate family members time to come over. She just tossed stuff. She claimed that her and her Husband had COVID again and they couldn't do the celebration of life party for her Mom like her Mom wanted.
My Aunt wanted all of her friends, family and loved ones, anyone that loved her, to join in celebrating her life, not mourning her loss. When the number of people on the list got to high for Dee and when people that she didn't like would be there, she used her excuse of having COVID to cancel the memorial celebration. Mind you, she, her Husband and his family all had Covid a little over a month prior.
As months went on, my Mother kept on Dee about the celebration of life. We all needed closure and to complete her last wishes. Dee finally answered her and stated that she was going to do a small ceremony on the beach, several states away and only for immediate family.
Before you ask, no money was not the issue. She had inherited over $200k from her mothers estate. Her excuse was that she didn't want people there that didn't call her personally to share their condolences and those that she personally doesn't like or feels like they were not close with her Mom.
My Mother and her got into an verbal altercation because my Mom was extremely close to my Aunt. She felt her daughter was not doing her mother justice and maybe my Aunt was right about her daughter. It has been 9 months since my Aunt passed away and yet there still has been no celebration of life.
My Mother and I cant afford to throw a send off like my Aunt wanted. Since the altercation with my Mother, Dee has spent the money she inherited on having a house built for her and her husband. My Mother is no longer invited to anything Dee says she may or may not have for her Mother due to a few choice words she called my Mother.
I am also not invited because I didn't call her personally with my condolences. I have to admit, that probably was the right thing to do. But I just couldn't make myself do it. I was also grieving and in shock.
When all this went down, I turned to my family and said, "I told you so" as for years I tried to explain how manipulative and selfish my cousin really was. AITA for saying, "I told you so"?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
mute1
NTA - Please be sure to stay rid of her and sorry for your loss.
BestAd5844
It sounds like there were a lot of people who loved your Aunt. I’m sure if you reached out to friends and family, they would be open to helping through a celebration of life. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. Have everyone bring a potluck item, pictures, and their favorite stories of aunt to share.
If one of your homes is not big enough, maybe there is a local VFW or community center you can rent that is not too expensive. If she belonged to a church, some will allow members to use a space for a much reduced rate, including something to honor them after they have passed.
Fair-Highlight7417 (OP)
That is actually a really good idea. Thank you for that suggestion. I will be talking to my mother about it later. Good idea.
strekkingur
Hell no. Time for them to open their eyes to the real world.
ThrowRArosecolor
NTA. Perhaps you and your mother could set up a potluck in a rental hall somewhere near where she lived and have a celebration of life for her. You don’t need to invite your cousin as she made it clear she was doing her own that you weren’t invited to. I bet your aunt would have liked something homey and low key where people who actually loved her would attend.