'AITA for telling my father he's no longer allowed to cook for my kids?'
"AITA for telling my father he's no longer allowed to cook for my kids?"
My (30F) father (60s) shops like a prepper. Whenever he gets groceries, he buys enough to feed a family of 5. He's also the type to buy food he doesn't plan on eating anytime soon, "just in case" he craves it.
This has always been a problem. When I was younger, my sister and I spent more time at our mom's place, and weren't there often enough to eat much. Nowadays, he lives alone, so even less of what he buys is eaten.
The result has always been the same: a lot of the food he buys ends up either spoiled or sitting in a freezer until the end of time. We've never eaten anything that's rotten or moldy, but my dad has always refused to listen when I tell him this is bad for his health.
My family went to his place for dinner about a week ago. I arrived earlier to help my father out, as he planned on making burgers. My husband would come later with our kids (5M and 2F).
I had offered to buy some burgers when we decided on them, but my father had said he had some at his place. I didn't think about what that could mean until I saw him pull a box of burgers and some cheese from the very bottom of the freezer.
As both had clearly been there a while, I checked the expiration dates. The cheese expired in February (I know dairy products can last longer frozen, but still). The burgers expired in March 2021. I asked my father if he actually planned on cooking that food. He said yes, as both were frozen and "still fine" to eat.
I told him I didn't care how edible he thought the food was, the meat was older than my daughter. We could think about something else to make or I could have my husband pick up some burgers on his way to my dad's place, but I didn't want my kids eating that.
My father got offended. He started going on about how the food was safe and how a dozen nutritionists (AKA some guys his girlfriend found on TikTok) had said so. He said he couldn't believe I didn't trust him.
He continued talking about how dramatic I was being for a while. I was very upset at the way he responded. Finally, I said: "My kids aren't eating that, and I don't want you cooking for them again.
Either (husband's name) buys the burgers or we're not staying for dinner." My husband ended up buying the burgers. We ate them peacefully and no one fought in front of the kids.
The next day, my father told me he was upset by what I'd said. He said he felt offended that I'd "accuse him of putting his grandchildren in danger" like that. I told him that wasn't my intention, I just didn't want to feed my kids 3 year old meat, and he refused to listen to me.
My dad's still insisting I'm being dramatic. My husband is completely on my side, but thinks forbidding my father from cooking for our children might have been a little too much. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
It seems like you are arguing and being defensive to every Y T A comments here. Not sure if you are really here seeking clarity in who the asshole is or to feel vindicated for your stance. But if you are here for different perspectives, I'll go ahead and add mine cuz I have time.
One suggestion I haven't seen here yet: if you want to continue family dinners but ensure you have control of the situation without the possibility of offending someone or having the same argument again, offer to host dinner nights moving forward.
Can even use the reasoning that it's easier with having young kids to just host, that way you don't have to worry about wrangling the kids to get them put in the car, packing toys/entertainment, worrying about getting them down for naps/bedtimes and having to watch the clock to ensure you leave on time or disrupting routines (them kids get cranky when their witching hour approaches).
Or just plan activities with them not revolving around food. But I understand family dinners are an important part of some families dynamics, as it is with my own family.
My vote is soft YTA. Because I think how the conversation from jump was probably not the best approach. You mention not intending to make him feel the way he ended up feeling at the end of the dispute, but he did.
And I think a lot of people would probably feel the same way as your dad in this situation if in his shoes, and as an outsider looking in also being empathetic/understanding to your stance as well.
This also isn't a situation that came out of the blue, as you say he's always been this way with food habits, so I'm not sure why you'd expect that to be different now that your kids are involved.
He was this way when you yourself was a kid. He is likely not going to change his habits so you may have to alter your expectations accordingly and come up with a solution or compromise (like I mentioned in second paragraph).
dadsburgersthrway OP responded:
I'm arguing because plenty of Y T A comments are misunderstanding why this happened.
I know my father wasn't putting my children in danger. The problem here is that my father's habits have led to concerns before. I have expect different standards when my kids are involved because they're not his children, and I have the right to decide what I don't want them to eat.
I'm aware he's not going to change his habits. That's why I'm forbidding him from cooking. Also, he's the one who wants to host us. I'm fine hosting (it would actually make my life much easier), but he usually asks to do it himself.
Finally, all I said during the conversation was that my children wouldn't eat the burgers. Everything else was him.
Independent-Wheel354
NTA. It’s a question of trust. Food hoarders are gross and have no issues harming other people in serving rotten food. The burgers were probably fine but next time the eggs, chicken, etc might not be.
Saying “please don’t serve my very young children expired food” is reasonable. Him getting upset about that would imply he’s fine with serving them bad stuff when you’re not around.
dadsburgersthrway OP responded:
That's my point. If I don't want this to keep happening, I can't allow it to.
sweet_jane_13
NAH Everyone is citing the USDA saying foods can be safely frozen "indefinitely", but my experience with food safety (restaurant manager) is that frozen meat should only be stored 6mo - 1 year.
While restaurant food safety laws are more stringent than the average person needs (in my own home I don't uphold anywhere near the same level of strictness that I do at work) they're that way to protect vulnerable populations, like young children who don't have as fully developed immune systems.
Also, many commenters are putting far more trust in his freezer than I would any home or commercial freezer I've encountered. Three years and it didn't accidentally defrost them once? I don't buy it.
dadsburgersthrway OP responded:
My husband used to work in the restaurant industry, so we try to take food safety as seriously as possible at home. I don't expect other people to do it in theirs, but I also wouldn't feed my children 3 year old meat.
Shadows_Assassin
NTA - Would I eat burgers that've been sitting in the freezer for a year of two? Yeah, probably, nothing wrong with them in my eyes. Would I serve them to someone else? On the very very rare off chance they thawed and refroze, prooooobably not...
WelfordNelferd
NAH. The burgers didn't expire in March 2021, that's just the "best by" date. So the texture/color/flavor may not have been the greatest, but they weren't spoiled/rotten because they had been kept in the freezer. It's totally up to you if you're not comfortable having your kids eat them, but your Dad is right that he wouldn't have been putting anyone in danger.
barrie247
I get this because dealing with a food hoarder is hard. However, to be clear, your dad’s gf is right. The dates are for freshness only when looking at expiry dates on frozen food. Unless your dad’s freezer had something happen it’s perfectly safe to eat that food. Read the paragraph at the beginning, not just the chart.
Sinusayan
NAH. According to the USDA, not TikTok or whatever source you don't trust, ground beef is good indefinitely if frozen, but its quality is compromised, and it likely won't taste great. So I get why you refused it, but your father isn't wrong. Might be a slight AH for insulting him, but he's a slight AH for not considering your feelings. None of this needs to be something to fight over.