'AITA for telling my fiancé he can't wear the dress at our wedding?' UPDATED
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"AITA for telling my fiancé he can't wear the dress at our wedding?"
My partner (30M) and I (29F) are getting married next year. We were discussing wedding planning and out of the blue he asked me how I would feel about "subverting" tradition by having him wear the wedding dress while I wore a tux on our wedding day. When he said this I actually laughed out loud because I was sure it was a joke, but turns out he was dead serious.
He said he finds tuxes are very similar to each other and feel a lot like wearing a suit to a job interview, but he wanted to wear something "special" when he got married and he had always thought wedding dresses were so beautiful and different from each other.
I told him no, it wouldn't be appropriate and would turn our wedding into a spectacle and would probably change the way a lot of our friends and family view us. My family is quite progressive but I think even they would wonder what was going on. He said "OK" but seemed down for the rest of the night.
We're both very progressive and have several close friends who are gender nonconforming, nonbinary, or simply like cross-dressing so that has never been an issue, but even though we have been together for 5 years he has never expressed any desire to do so before.
It would be OK with me if he wanted to experiment, and I think it would even be a different story if this was something that was integral to his daily identity that he wanted to be reflected in our wedding. I just don't understand why he wants the first time to be on our wedding day. AITA for being controlling over his wedding attire choices?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Smurff8 said:
I think you need to have a much deeper conversation with your fiance BEFORE the wedding.
AdAccomplished6870 said:
NTA, but you should have other cponversations. Is gender non-conformance something they want to pursue in their personal life? Are they unhappy with the wedding as planned? Are there other ways of expressing uniqueness or seeking comfort (like a Kilt) that would meet their needs without necesarily turning into a huge spectacle or statement.
It may be that other types of non-traditional garb would meet their needs. You are not wrong to have concerns about jumping straight to swapping garb, but you do need to have some conversations with them to make sure they don't have something else going on, and that they do not resent the way the wedding is being planned.
Viperbunny said:
NTA. That is a lot to spring on you before your wedding. It would be one thing if it was something he had been doing. To just show up in a wedding dress on the day is going to cause some confusion.
It's totally great if he wants to experiment and be more on the non binary side, but weddings aren't the appropriate place to announce that to the world. It's like taking a day that should be about you two as a couple and turning it into something that is celebrating who he wants to be. Both are great, but they shouldn't have to compete on the same day.
HelenAngel said:
NAH. As a side note that I didn’t see anyone else mention yet, most wedding dresses are horribly uncomfortable & also super expensive. From a practicality perspective, he should try on some wedding dresses or formal dresses first just so he has an idea of what they’re like.
Most are fitted to a female form which could make it even slightly painful for him if he’s not used to formal dresses or the undergarments needed to make them fit. As an option, maybe point this out to him & go to a charity shop where he can try on formal dresses. Maybe he’ll like it, maybe he won’t but at least he’ll have a better idea of what formal dresses entail. Regardless, as others have said, this should be a deeper & more involved conversation.
ProfessionalArm9450 said:
NAH, but yeah, as others have said it's time to sit down and have a good and open talk about your fiance's gender identity, and your place in his heart and life.
Perfect-Map-8979 said:
NAH. It’s interesting that he’s choosing this to be the first time he wants to wear a dress. I would talk to him about how, because of that, you feel that his dress would be the only thing people would talk about and remember about your wedding, instead of the actual wedding. Sympathize with his feelings that all tuxes look the same (he’s right) and find a creative compromise together.
UPDATE:
So based on these responses I realize I may have overreacted. I had another conversation with my fiancé. I tried to explore the reasons he wanted to wear a dress to our wedding in an open-minded way. I emphasized that he could tell me if he was trans, or nonbinary, or wanted to experiment with cross-dressing, and I would still love him and want to marry him.
He seemed genuinely taken aback and told me it wasn't that big a deal, he just really liked wedding dresses and it hadn't even occurred to him that I might have a problem with him wearing one since it's one of the two most common options and we have been to weddings where both partners wore a dress or both wore a tux (after all it's not like he's contemplating wearing sweats to our wedding, lol)--but of course if I did he would be fine wearing a tux.
Of course he has no problem with me wearing a dress, the "reverse roles" thing was just one of many ways he thought that could go. He also reassured me that he would feel safe sharing any changes in his gender or sexual identity status with me. I told him we could look at wedding dresses together and coordinate whatever made us both feel special, whether that's dress/dress, dress/tux, tux/tux or something else!