'AITA for telling my foster sister she ruined Mother’s Day? My parents are mad at me.'
"AITA for telling my foster sister she ruined Mother’s Day?"
I’m (17f) the youngest of 6 kids. I’m the only one still at home full time and my parents decided the house felt too empty so they started fostering Lola (9) a few months ago. Lola’s cute but she’s kinda a pain in the a$$.
We have a big sectional recliner. Lola refuses to sit on the couch with us so she has her own chair that is off limits to everyone else. If I want to go out to eat it has to be with my dad or when my oldest sister (29) is available to babysit because restaurants are too much for Lola. If we get takeout she stays in her room and won’t come out to eat until the rest of us are done.
The only way she’ll eat with us is if my mom cooks so we have to do that almost every night. She hides food in her room, which attracts bugs but she has a huge fear of bugs so they’ve switched her room twice and have it deep cleaned every week to stop it from getting infested with bugs.
She’s also extremely attached to my mom and my oldest sister so if they’re around everything revolves around her. On Sunday we had a big Mother’s Day party with our entire family. All of my siblings, most of my aunts uncles and cousins, and my grandparents came over.
Everyone was in the backyard but Lola was overwhelmed so she made my mom stay in her room with her. My oldest sister tried to step in but that ended with both of them having to stay with her. After everyone left I found my mom and Lola in the kitchen making Lola’s mac and cheese and dino nuggets and I told Lola that she completely ruined Mother’s Day for us by clinging to my mom.
She started crying and went to her room. She hasn’t left her room since I said that and apparently my mom’s having a hard time getting her to eat so now my parents are pissed with me. I don’t think I did anything wrong because I just told her the truth but I wanted to see if I was the ass for saying that.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
scarletmahogany wrote:
There's a lot of much older adults here saying "soft/gentle YTA" but you're close-ish to my age. I'll just say it. You're absolutely TA.
"I didn't think I did anything wrong because I just told her the truth." Is it the truth? It sounds like you were angry and wanted to be cruel towards someone who is already pretty defenseless because you don't know how to communicate your own needs to your parents.
Even if it is true, is it necessary or kind? Absolutely not. Sure, your parents might not be very receptive to them, and they might not have had the best judgement to bring a 9yo into this dynamic without fully explaining things to you. But use some critical thinking skill here, kid.
She hides food in her room. She's scared of bugs. She doesn't do well in loud restaurants. Honey, she's been through some pretty terrible s#$t in less than a decade. You just set her back months in therapy. This might sound harsh, but your parents aren't ready to foster. It's not because of anything they're doing. It's because they can't stop you from saying horrible stuff like that to a little kid.
ManyBreakfast2407 wrote:
Yeah, sorry, YTA. I get that you’re frustrated — it does sound like a lot of the attention has shifted to Lola and that can be hard, especially on a day like Mother’s Day when you probably wanted your mom to yourself too. But Lola is 9.
She’s a foster kid, meaning she’s almost definitely coming from a traumatic or unstable background, and all those things you mentioned (eating separately, needing certain people around, being afraid of bugs) are huge signs that she’s struggling with anxiety and possibly trauma. Telling her she “ruined” Mother’s Day isn’t just harsh — it’s something a 9-year-old internalizes and can feel deep shame about.
She’s not choosing to be this way to make your life harder. She literally doesn’t know how to cope yet. That said, your feelings are also valid. It sucks to feel pushed aside or like everything revolves around someone else. But this wasn’t the way to handle it. You need to talk to your parents or a therapist about how you’re being impacted too, instead of lashing out at a little kid who’s clearly already going through it.
hatterson wrote:
Lola is behaving like she does (hoarding food, clinging, etc.) because of trauma she has experienced in the past. She's not just being a random needy kid, she has almost assuredly faced neglect and abandonment before (beyond just the fact that she's in the foster system).
That obviously doesn't make it easy to be a sibling in that situation, but sometimes context can help turn the view of "she's an annoying little kid" to "she's been deeply hurt and my family is trying to help her heal."
Anyway, on the specific situation, I'll say soft YTA for how harsh the delivery was, but overall it's also hard to blame a 17 year old for suddenly having to adapt to a new sibling that upended everything. Did you/your parents have a lot of conversations about the change that having a foster would mean and the challenges that come along with it?
27ARCardin wrote:
Sounds to me like some therapy is in order for all of you. Especially your foster sister and how your mom and sister are handling her. It seems like they don't really know how to deal with this situation properly.
I'm going to give you a little bit of grace because I understand where you are coming from even if the situation isn't as black and white as you might think it is. Also your parents shouldn't be fostering just because the house is too empty lately. I'm going to say NAH.