'AITA for telling my friend I hadn't asked for her opinion about my hair?'
"AITA for telling my friend I hadn't asked for her opinion about my hair?"
I (22F) recently decided to dye a pink streak into my hair. It made a fun change from my usual look, and honestly gave me a boost of confidence. I got some compliments on it that were very sweet, but I'm more focused on how good I feel within myself.
One of my friends "Ella" (23F) is not a fan of my hair. The first time I was out with her after I'd dyed it, she laughed and said I looked like a children's show host. Honestly I found that pretty funny, and I don't take myself very seriously when I don't think there's any malice in what's being said, so I laughed about it too.
However over time it's became clear she actually doesn't like it and seems to really want me to know. Every other conversation we have includes a weird, passive aggressive comment about my hair, many about whether my BF thinks it's weird or not. The few times she's seen him with me, the first thing she comments on is my hair and tries to laugh with him about it, to which he just stands there bemused.
Now, Ella comes from a conservative family, so I do get that she might not know any other people with unnaturally colored hair. But I mean, really? Her endless comments have attracted the attention of our other friends too, and whenever she's called out just laughs and tells us to take a joke.
I kind of snapped on her the other day about it. Some of us, Ella included, went out for drinks after work. I had my hair up, and the pink bit was clearly visible. The second she saw me, Ella burst out laughing and exclaimed "OMG, what is your hair!" At this point, her comments were clearly not jokes, they were pointed and intended to hurt me. In as level a voice as I could, I looked her dead in the eye and said "Ella, I didn't ask your opinion about my hair."
Her smile immediately faded and she left, blaming me once again for not being able to take a joke. A couple of friends out with us then said that I'd been a little harsh by calling her out in front of everyone, to which I replied that Ella hadn't minded doing the same to me. The rest of our friends agreed with me, with one even saying they would've spoken out much sooner if they were me.
Ella has ghosted me ever since. I think she was in the wrong for her comments, but were those friends right about me being harsh by calling her out like I did? Should I have been more discreet or something?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Remember1959 said:
NTA. My daughter used to have a pink streak in her hair. Twenty years ago. It’s cute, but it’s hardly radical or worthy of any other comment than "suits you!" Ella is not the centre of the universe and needs to get over herself. You were way more patient than I would have been.
Witty_Salamander_964 said:
Ella doesn't seem to have a problem making comments about you hair in public so why should you? You've let all her comments public and private slide off of you for a while now. Enough was enough. If she didn't want to be slapped down in public she shouldn't have made public comments. A joke is something funny. She seemed to be the only one laughing at her comments. So I guess that makes her the joke.
Pspaughtamus said:
NTA. My hair is purple with blue stripes. I tell naysayers that I'm not here to decorate their world.
Fleurtheleast said:
You didn't "call her out." You made a literal statement of fact: you did not ask for her opinion on your hair. Her ghosting you, now that you've finally pushed back, instead of apologizing for being a pest, is proof that it wasn't harmless teasing. It's not that you can't take a joke, it's that she can't handle the truth. NTA.
HeimdallManeuver said:
I love the “I’m going to stand idly by while you get tormented, but when you stand up for yourself, you’re the harsh one” crowd. NTA.
BasicAuthor2786 said:
NTA. I had a friend that used to go out of her way to make comments on my appearance as well. I had a bigger chest than her, so in my case it wasn't something I could even change. But regardless of that, no one wants to hear that type of back-handed commentary. You let it slide time after time, and you reached your limit. Imo, you weren't even that harsh.
If Ella can't take it, then she shouldn't dish it out. As far as I'm concerned, a streak of color in your hair doesn't change who you are, your personality, and regardless of that, IT'S YOUR BODY. If Ella ever decides to come around, you can firmly explain your point of view and establish a boundary of keeping unnecessarily rude comments to herself, but if she doesn't I wouldn't stress about it so much.
I'm no longer friends with the girl who used to make judge-y commentary either, and I feel so much more confident and content. You don't need that kind of judgement in your life, friends should love and support you no matter what you look like, because at the end of the day its how we treat each other that should really matter. Hope it all works out!
RobinFarmwoman said:
NTA. Ella is a bully, and sadly a one-trick pony as well. "It's only a joke" is the first go-to of every AH who has said something unforgivable. Good job on the slap down, because she finally got the f-g point. If she's too childishly butthurt to talk to you in order to apologize for her behavior, you're better off NC.
Purple, green, and blue hair here, the full rainbow during Pride. When my father saw it for the first time, he told me it was weird in a very unflattering tone. I gave him a look that would peel paint and calmly told him I was not interested in what he thought of it. He never mentioned it again. State your boundaries, state them the first time someone puts a toe over them. And enjoy your hair!