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'AITA for telling my friend not to come if she’s bringing her kid?'

'AITA for telling my friend not to come if she’s bringing her kid?'


"AITA for telling my friend not to come if she’s bringing her kid?"

One of my (nearly 30) friends put together a get together at a restaurant for my birthday. The place has a bar where we’re going to be hanging out. The plan was to get a bit tipsy and order appetizers. My husband and I have a 3 year old, but we’re hiring a babysitter for the night. We rented out a private room with a bar.

My other friend, Missy, has a 5 year old daughter. She mentioned she was going to bring her. I offered to pay my babysitter extra to watch her daughter. Missy said no because her daughter is in daycare all day and she doesn’t want her to have to then be with a sitter. I said I understand but I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to come.

One, I know our group. We’re going to get rowdy and I don’t want to censor myself. Two, Missy’s daughter is like a lot of 5 year old: she doesn’t sit still, wants to run over the place. Missy admits she doesn’t bring her out to restaurants much because she doesn’t know how to act. But I also know Missy will just sort of let her as she’s very permissive.

I spoke to my friend who put it together and said I don’t want any kids there. There’s a reason I got a sitter for my own kid. That friend agreed and told Missy not to bring her daughter. Missy has now thrown a fit and said she’s not coming. I said I completely understand. There are events I have missed because I don’t want to leave my daughter and the group understands as we all have kids.

I told Missy I’d be glad to have a play date/lunch another time with our kids so we can still hang out. I told Missy I can’t stop her from coming to the restaurant but we absolutely will not allow her to come into the private room. She’s very hurt that we’re excluding her.

AITA for not wanting a kid at my party and telling my friend she can’t come if she brings her? Also, if it’s relevant, Missy didn’t pay for the rented room. Two of my other friends did as a gift to me. So, it’s not as if I’m telling her she can’t come to something she paid for.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

consolelog_a11y said:

NTA. You offered reasonable solutions and she refused. When a person chooses a lifestyle, they have to deal with whatever comes with it. But they aren't entitled to special treatment, especially when people of a similar lifestyle have adapted.

We've all had to miss out on something for one reason or another. Plenty of parents have had to make this choice before. She's not letting herself be an independent adult outside of parenthood, this could have been a great evening for her to blow off steam and come back more "parent-y" than ever. I have a couple of friends who regret not taking up babysitting offers earlier in their parenting journeys to allow themselves to be grounded. It's a shame, really.

KronkLaSworda said:

NTA. I know it's hard for some parents to understand, but I don't give a shit about your kid. This event is for adults, and it's not kid friendly, so Missy gets to make a choice: Stay home with the kid OR come to the party without the kid.

C_Majuscula said:

NTA. Childfree events are and should be a thing. Missy is excluding herself from a childfree event because she doesn't want to get a sitter for a kid who won't remember she was in childcare all day.

Trevena_Ice said:

NTA. As you said, there are events you miss out, when you have kids. You can give them to babysitter or relatives if you want to attend. Or you just don't attend. But you can't force (allways) your child onto others and non-child-appropiate places. This is not fair to your friends nor is it good for the child. And in the end you also won't have as much fun, because you have to divide your attention between the event and your child. Might have to go home early, because the child has to sleep at 7 o'clock.

owls_and_cardinals said:

NTA, since I think Missy is being unreasonable and it's quite obvious why this isn't a good choice for her to be making. Unfortunately as the birthday girl, you along with the friend who is planning it do kind of have an obligation to all your guests for it to be a reasonably fun event, meaning it would probably be doing your other guests a disservice if you let Missy bring her rambunctious kiddo, because everyone else is likely to feel a bit uncomfortable or stifled.

Having a "no kids" event is very reasonable. It also sounds like you took multiple steps before ultimately having to tell her a firm no - first you offered your sitter, second you told her you didn't feel it would be appropriate. You then offered to arrange another get-together that is kid-friendly for the two of you. At this point Missy has had ample time to make the right choice, to take the hint, and to handle the request gracefully. It's not your fault she isn't doing so.

CandleSea4961 said:

NTA. This is not kid approproate. Stick to your guns. If she doesnt come- fine. If she does come with the kid- she is walked out.

Everyone was on OP's side for this one. What's your advice for these friends?

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