'AITA for telling my friend that her marriage will never be as good as mine?'
"AITA for telling my friend that her marriage will never be as good as mine?"
My friend, let's call her Sarah, has always had a lot of relationship issues with her (now) husband. When they were still dating they were on & off and after 10 years she gave him an ultimatum - propose or it's over. he gave her (what I think is) a shut up ring & they have been married for 2 years now.
Me & my husband also had a long dating period but we decided on getting married after a year - we just didn't have the money (weddings are super expensive when you have a big family). So we worked hard, bought a house & only after we had some extra money we had a very small ceremony. Overall we "dated" for 8 years & got married on our 10-year-anniversary.
Because of that Sarah believes our situation is the same (aka- the shut up ring) so she comes to me with all of her relationship issues thinking I have some magic solution to all of them. Let me give you examples.
Her husband never cleans, literally throws trash on the FLOOR for her to pick up - mine not only cleans after himself but in general does what he sees needs to be done. Hers hides his phone, comments on instapics of hot women, in general acts suspicious - mine doesn't. We have each other's passwords etc.
Hers says weekends are for the boys (he is literally 40, what boys??), mine likes spending time with me. Hers is extremely critical, mine very affectionate (overall, it also means her husband & mine dislike each other, mine thinks hers is disrespectful & immature).
In general, I wouldn't say too much bc it is HER life to do as she pleases but she makes it MY problem. She keeps asking "how did you make your husband cook? how did you FORCE your husband to spend time with you?" & the one that made me break my silence recently "how did you convince your husband to be nice? Mine is so critical & I can't convince him to change
How did you get yours to accept your weight-gain?" I think what broke me is the assumption that my husband is mean naturally & he needed me changing him to be kind
So I finally straight up told her she will never have as happy a marriage with him as I have with my love. Specifically because she married someone who doesnt even like her, much less love her. I told her she can't change trash into gold by force & to have a marriage like mine she needs a husband like mine.
I also said she is naive & dumb if she thinks her husband will change because he doesn't care about her enough to even change his underwear every day (yeah, that is also a problem) & that if at this point she stays then her unhappiness is her own damn fault.
Obviously, she got angry. There is a reason I didn't tell her that before, she ALWAYS assumed our situations were the same & was blind to how different our partners were. I tried to warn her after he proposed without a ring & told her to buy it herself since "he can't read her mind & know what she likes" but that led to a fight & her asking me to "keep my opinions to myself."
Even our mutual friends think I am cruel because she is just " desperate" & at the end of her rope. I told them that if that is true then she needs to cut the rope that holds him. I can't listen to her complain about the same thing anymore but they told me I am a bad friend to her because we need to "support her" & maybe "one they she will leave him."
But I can't keep my mouth shout when she keeps assuming my partner is the same as hers but I somehow magically changed his entire personality. He deserves more credit than that & hers honestly shouldn't even be in the same category imo. And honestly how long can a person listen to the same issues over and over again, and still give support after that many years of negativity... So, AITAH?
EDIT:
Only because so many people assume that I never said anything and it was literally the first time I ever spoke to her about her relationship being toxic. 1. I said in this post that I did say something but she directly told me to not give her more advice but I will attach my reply to a different comment.
Info: have you at any point before that confrontation explained to your friend that her relationship was toxic and her partner treated her poorly or encouraged her to leave?
My reply: So. Many. Times. First when they started dating & she had to pay for everything to prove she isnt a gold digger. Then repeatedly for 2 years until she straight up told me that she doesn't want to hear anything about breaking up with him or deserving better because she "decides what she deserves". me & him dislike each other so our friendship suffered a lot & nowadays I don't even see her unless they are fighting and even then only so she can vent about "men."
She keeps saying "men do this" & I just shrug saying I can't relate. I think I bit my tongue for so long I exploded & the more I think about it the more guilty I feel bc she must be brainwashed to think her relationship is normal. But I was so angry because she also said my husband is whipped because he did the laundry while we were drinking coffee. (He did it instead of me so we could have some "girl time" without him)
I used to plead with her to leave him, said she deserves better, recommended her therapy, couples counseling at least. But all she wants is to complain and for me to say "yes! that's how ALL husbands are! this is just the way marriage is :/ but I changed my trash man with this easy trick that you can do!"...
2) This post indirectly is about more than just this instance. We have more than 15 years of history & most of it she was with him. Some of you really opened my eyes asking if I even like her. I used to, before him.
I don't anymore. I will need to have a deep convo with her, ending this friendship. I can't help her & she doesn't want to be helped. But I can't keep listening about her marriage & I asked her multiple times to stop talking about him but she still does because AND I QUOTE "we are in the same boat."
3) I guess I am still angry because I am offended on my husband's behalf. I think I will go insane if she asks me again "how do you get your husband to babysit your kids?" while simultaneously telling me she doesnt even want my advice. Okay, I am very angry still. I cant give advice "because it's her life" but she asks me how I "trained" my husband every time she visits. There are more things I haven't included because it is already long and we know each other for a long time.
I don't know if I am an as%s but I think I need to be right now. I can't be supportive, I'm all out of empathy for her. I think those who said I am a bad friend are right. I think I can't be her friend anymore. Sorry for being chaotic & venting.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
drunkenangel_99 said:
Everyone saying she’s harsh, I think you all skipped the fact that this friend has been complaining for AGES, there’s only so many times you can tell someone they’re wrong nicely. NTA.
WatermelonRindPickle said:
NTA. Years ago, a friend and coworker was involved with a man, and they had so many problems. I listened to her complain, I have some advice when asked, and nothing changed. I then told her I cared, I hated to see her unhappy, and nothing was changing, so please don't talk to me about the problems with him any more.
I didn't have any new advice and it was a distraction and I needed to focus on work at work, and not the recurring problems with her relationship. We stayed friends, and she respected me not wanting to hear about the relationship. (They finally broke up 20 years later when the kids were grown up.)
JeremyThePotato15 said:
NTA, she needed a reality check, but maybe you should learn to enforce boundaries and proper communication, because if you did so previously, you wouldn’t feel the need to bottle everything up and then explode on her later onwards.
Churchie-Baby said:
NTA being friends means telling some one the truth and telling them if you don't like your situation then make changes.
Confident-Baker5286 said:
NTA - it was harsh but it was also completely the truth. I’m so grateful that my sister didn’t coddle me like this with my ex, knowing that other people found his behavior abhorrent helped me see that it wasn’t normal or okay. My friend were all saying to give him more chances/ men are just like this because they were also in horrible relationships. She needs to throw that whole man away.
Potential_Beat6619 said:
NTA - Very good for putting it bluntly. She needed to hear it the way you told her. She's toxic. Just cut her out already.