'AITA for telling my friend they have a controlling girlfriend? I was left on read.'
"AITA for telling my friend they have a controlling GF?"
I (30M) have a close friend (30F), who in the last 6 months has pretty much gone silent and become super flaky.
Some context:
We have been friends for 7 years
In 2020 she came out of the closet broke up with her long term boyfriend and started dating girls
At the start of last year she started dating a new girl, I was excited for her because she was so happy and thrilled with this new relationship. And as typically happens she got very consumed with the relationship and we went from hanging out a few times a month to maybe once in the last year.
When I have seen her, her girlfriend is always present and very (in my opinion) controlling. She decides when they both leave, where we hang out everything. Recently, I have been trying to reach out more and schedule phone calls / irl hang outs. I have now been ditched twice because her and her gf “have a last minute thing” or something.
When she cancels she doesn’t reschedule or suggest other times, just sorry. We live about an hour apart with traffic and the two times I’ve seen her this year I’ve driven to her. One of our mutual friends recently blew up at her, and said she didn’t want to be her friend anymore over it.
And that her new gf is controlling and my friend is throwing away all of her friends to have a gf. This week, she blew me off again, and I had sorta had enough, I’ve been having a really rough time and was really looking forward to her support she bailed for a whatever reason like they needed to groom there dog.
I tried to be nice but sent her the following: “Hey I totally get it, but to be honest you have been pretty absent and I was looking forward to seeing you because my grandma as been in the hospital and I’ve been having a rough go of things."
"I think until you can have space for our friendship I will probably stop reaching out. The last 8 months have been all about your new relationship and you have ignored almost all your friends. I think your partner is very controlling and isolating you from your friends. I hope I can see you soon, but tbh I'm hurt and worried about you." She has left me on read for four days. So what do you think, AITA?
Unsurprisingly, the internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.
DanausEhnon wrote:
NTA.
You stated your concern and left the ball in her court. Being friends with someone for 7 years gives you every right to comment on her relationship as long as it isn't coming from a place of ill intent.
OP responded:
Yeah no ill intent, I just want her to have her support system.
Briiiiyonce wrote:
NAH.
It’s hard being a friend to someone in controlling relationship and it’s hard to be in one. I hope she comes around soon.
OP responded:
Me too, I feel for her and will be here when she comes back…but until then ill just wait…
joetheripper117 wrote:
NTA. I think you have a friend problem, not a 'friend's girlfriend' problem, though.
The instances you bring up of the actual controlling behavior seem pretty nebulous and inconsequential; it is normal for the less-interested party to ask to leave an interaction earlier than the other wants to.
The problem here is that your friend is not prioritizing you or your friendship in the way that you want, and that they are stringing you along without care for your feelings and time. It's easy in these situations to point to the new factor, namely the gf, and opine about how THEY are ruining everything.
But you need to remember that your friend is the one making these decisions, whether the gf influences them a certain direction or not. Your friend is the one who isn't making time for you. Your friend is the one who insists on bringing her gf to all interactions.
Your friend is the one who flakes on you over and over again. Your friend is the one who is ignoring the hurt she caused you. If your friend cares about your relationship in the way that you do, these things would not be happening. She is responsible for her own actions.
While your message and approach here is a good one, I think you need to redirect your feelings towards the person who is actually causing you hurt here. Consider whether you actually want to be friends with someone who will throw you away when something else comes along, because I am pretty sure the same thing will happen with her next gf as well.
verysadtiredcook wrote:
NTA, she is being inconsiderate of your time and friendship. I literally just had this discussion TWICE in the last couple days, different context, but similar vibes. You can cancel, you can have things going on, but if someone is telling you this is important to them, you show up, or you take accountability.
That's just being considerate. Being a friend is all about showing up for and supporting those you SHOULD care about. you're valid and it's fair that you are creating distance for yourself and your peace.
skppt wrote:
There doesn't seem to be an active conflict here as you've been left on read. But you said your piece and should move on. She will either reach out or she (probably) won't. I'd expect to hear from her if/when the relationship ends, at which point you'd have an active conflict about whether to accept her as a friend.