'AITA for telling my husband that I no longer want to be involved with anything regarding his child?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my husband that I no longer want to be involved with anything regarding his child?"
BG: I (26) have been married to my husband (27) for 4 years and he has a child (6) from a previous relationship. The kiddo stays with the baby mamma in a different province.
Right so onto the current issue. BM has for as long as I know my hubby been a bit of a problem and I'll give you a lot of time examples.
1. Lied about the kiddo being deathly ill and on life support.
2. Provided a fake hospital bill in regard to the above.
3. Lied to my FIL about hubby paying child support so she was receiving money from both my hubby and FIL.
4. Lied to both my FIL and I about hubby knocking her up again when she visited previously.
5. Lied to my in laws about hubby hiding the kiddos Birthday Certificate.
6. Performs every few months about how she cannot manage and is sending the kiddo to live with us.
7. Demands money on top of the child support she is receiving.
That's just a few things off the top of my head. I tried speaking to hubby today and I basically told him that he needs to grow a spine because she truly does take advantage at times and he got upset with me and said that I'm disrespectful.
But here's the thing .. the kiddos school fees and child support are paid every single month without fail yet she always demands more and hubby always just gives in even if it will negatively affect us.
I'm not saying that he should not support the kiddo he most definitely should do that it is his responsibility my problem lies with the fact that she cannot hold a job and even when she does have one the tantrums and money stories never end. It's never a question for help it's you need to pay for xyz.
Previously when I used to give advice he would tell me I'm not a parent so I don't know..
Lately if I speak up or give advice he just gets annoyed with me and I apparently have no way of speaking. He literally just refuses to grow a back bone when it comes to her.
I've had it up to the end of time with this behaviour from both of them and he just can't understand that she is completely taking advantage of him but I digress.
Ive told hubby many times to rather not involve me as it's a subject of contention and time and time again I have broken the boundary to give him comfort or to listen to him vent and I'm just tired of being made out to be the bad guy that knows nothing. So I told hubby today that I am standing firm on my decision this time and I will not longer be breaking my boundary so he is salty.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Hubby is for enabling his manipulative baby mama and disrespecting you in the process. He needs to grow a spine and take his baby mama back to court to sort out this mess. His behavior doesn't bode well for the long-term success of your marriage.
Question: How are your finances split?
mollywobbles_7 OP:
Household expenses are split between us, the only thing separate is payment for his child.
I think the question is: Do you have a joint account? Does your full payment goes into only one shared account? Or do you deposit the house expenses and others, after you know how much is it to share?
mollywobbles_7 OP:
We have separate accounts and divide bills.
Eh, I’m going to say YTA. You married this person with a very young child and baby mama drama. There’s really no way to not be involved with largely the biggest and most important aspect of his life without simply disengaging from him emotionally. Not sure how that is still a marriage or relationship at that point.
Leave or don’t leave, but you need to accept your husband as he is, flaws and all, not how you wish he was. If he never changes, would you still want the relationship? If not, there’s your answer. Asking him to never talk to you about his biggest stressor is completely unrealistic as a “boundary” in a healthy relationship.
NTA but the excessive use of the terms "hubby" and "kiddo" made me nauseated. Soft YTA for that.
Later OP came back with these edits:
Edit 1: Many people are assuming that I have an issue with the kiddo and I genuinely do not I love her so much. I am literally just tired of being unheard and treated like an idiot because I didn't push out a baby as well as the fact the she is constantly disrespectful towards my hubby. We have no other issues besides this.
When I said I no longer want to be involved it meant taking my support away from hubby because he turns all kinds of support into something negative.
Edit 2: Thank you to everyone for your input. I can't respond to all comments so I'm just going to break down majority of what I've been receiving. Firstly I am not pregnant so I'm not sure where some people are getting this idea. Secondly the main issue is not financial support at the end of the day it is his duty to financially support his child and I will never ask him to stop.
My issue lies with him constantly letting his baby mama bully him and in extension me. In regards to sending extra money whenever she asks it's over the silliest of things and she never gives us a heads up..
she randomly requests money for things that she can literally sort out herself and I usually don't mind but he just started a new job after being unemployed for 2 months due to no fault of his own and I really need help at home because I was trying to carry everything on my own.
But I also feel that when she asks for extra cash and he sends even a portion of it has opened up an entire avenue for a new issue. I need more help than I am getting.
I don't think it's fair to me that he complains and complains and complains yet when I offer solutions I'm brushed off or he gets upset. I love him he is a good man but this woman literally has him by the balls and I'm sick of just being ignored when it comes to this. I don't have to have given birth to have common sense.
A little less than 2 years later OP came back with this update:
Hi guys. I made a post in the AITA community a while back and I would just like to give an update.
So straight into it .. We are now divorced. Everything was finalised this week and all of my belongings were removed from our marital home yesterday. After being married for 6 years I'm hurt and broken but I'm confident that this was the right decision.
I finally realized that 90% of being with him was about manipulation and control.
Onto his child: He still hasn't done a paternity test and he has gone no contact with the child and her mother except for paying child support.
I'm sorry this update took so long.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
I’m sorry - I know this can’t be easy for you. But I read your first post, and I don’t think you had a better alternative, unless you were willing to be coerced and manipulated by her and being dismissed and unheard by him. I’m keeping a good thought for you.
Good on her for divorcing him, but I have so many questions about this guy who has trauma about paternity but apparently just shrugged and agreed to keep throwing large amounts of money for years at a woman who got pregnant after a one night stand while also seeing other people??
this may be a leap but did he go no contact with his child in response to you divorcing him, ie. no longer being in the picture to take care of her? i’m only making that assumption based on your original post but that’s what it sounds like.
it’s wild to me that his lack of a spine regarding his child’s mother & his decisions to, in turn, include you in their drama was such a huge issue during your marriage that he refused to address, yet upon your divorce he’s suddenly gained the will to cut her off entirely lmao.
it’s messed up that he’s including his own child in that as well, but either way i imagine that you must feel so unburdened knowing that you’ll never have to deal with those antics again.
your first post did not sound as though you were in an equal partnership, and that’s something that no one should ever feel in their marriage. i’m happy for you! you deserved so much better than what you previously described.
good luck, and i wish you the best in all your future endeavors, OP! 💛
mollywobbles_7 OP:
He went no contact way before our divorce.
Please give more details about what went down, and what you meant with "it was all about control and manipulation."
mollywobbles_7 OP:
In his mind if he wants something he gets it no matter what or how he hurts you ... His narrative was always the truth no matter if it was right or wrong.
He would twist situations and manipulate me to get his desired outcome .. even going so far as to use his illness which I won't be disclosing for privacy reasons.
He would break me down verbally and psychologically .. He used that kind of abuse to make me completely dependent on him ..
But wasn't going no contact with baby mom basically what you had been demanding the whole time?
mollywobbles_7 OPL:
No. I was demanding he step up and stop letting her bully him and try to bully her way in our lives.