'AITA for telling my husband to just be a father and figure out when our baby's hungry?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for telling my husband to just be a father?"

I had a playdate with my friend this morning with our babies and my LO napped in the car on the ride home so I stopped for coffee to extend her nap (so napped from 9:30-10am) and she was fed at 9:20 before I left the play date. I get home and my husband immediately tries feeding her. I tell him she just woke up from a nap and she’s probably not hungry because she just ate before it.

He said he knows his baby and tries to feed her anyway. She fusses and arches her back bc she’s not hungry...he says it’s because we have the wrong nipple size. I begin to explain to him our current routine I’ve been doing with her while he’s at work (I’m still on maternity leave). She wakes up, she plays for around an hour and a half then eats and goes down for a nap.

He says nonsense she’s probably tired and goes to lay her down for a nap (it’s only been 45 minutes since I’ve been home). I tell him he no she’s not tired enough for a nap yet she’s just going to fuss (she’s starting to understand that crib means sleep and fights it hard if she’s not tired enough). Sure enough she starts crying as soon as they step foot in the nursery.

This is where the argument comes. He tells me I’m being controlling and not letting him be a dad. I tell him I’m just trying to help him and give him pointers because every week is different with a baby that small. He tells me I’m being a helicopter.

I tell him I’m just trying to help as he always complains that his daughter “thinks he’s a stranger bc he’s working all day” (he only works 4 days a week btw). I left to run errands and left him with the baby to bond and stuff. He starts texting me while I’m out.

“Tell me when to feed her and put her down. She's crying. Should I do it now or later? Whens her nap time?”

“She won't stop crying what does she need?”

actual copy and paste from my messages

I can tell this is condescending and he’s doing it to be petty.

I text out a long rant that I’m just trying to help him so he doesn’t have a hard time with her bc he gets very discouraged when she’s super fussy with him and I try to be the bigger person and emphasize that my help it come out of a place of love.

And after my long heartfelt message that is way to long to copy and paste here I get this:

“Is it okay to put her to bed? Whens her nap time, how can I tell if she's tired?”

Now I’m mad at this point and tell him to stop being a jackass and I’m not arguing with him. I get home and the baby wakes up from a nap and he comes out with her and says “what do I do now? What does she need? Should I change her first? Should I feed her?”

At this point I’m seeing red but just stay silent and he KEEPS GOING AND STARTS POKING ME I tell him to just go be a f#$king father. he won’t stop telling me how controlling I and won’t let him be a dad, I’m like dude I was JUST trying to let you know what I NOTICED is currently working for our daughter I’m not trying to tell you what to do.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Synn1982 wrote:

I recently heard someone say this to a new mom: don't be the expert on your baby. You will be the expert on your kid forever. The school will call you to pick them up, you will be the one who plans their birthday parties, who plans their meal because you know what the eat and what not. You will be the one who knows when they have gym class and which present they want for Christmas.

If you tell your partner that he is already falling behind on kid-knowledge now, he will let go and never pick it up again. Yes he will do things differently, and he will do things "wrong" according to your schedule. But as long as he is not hurting your child, you should shut up and let him get to know his child, build his own routine with her.

basicb$%ch23 wrote:

I see your point, but no one wants to listen to be a baby crying or seeing them clearly resisting feeding or nap. She's allowed to tell him "hey, we just did those" and I would think he could take that information and do something else with baby.

Vegetable_image384 wrote:

F#$king thank you. I'm going nuts seeing these comments that are telling her she's overstepping for giving him information about when the baby last ate or napped. When you drop your kid off at daycare - you know, with professionals who deal with babies all day long - they also ask you when your baby last ate.

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

Update:

Thank you all for you responses I definitely will be taking a huge step back and looking at the way I’m handling things as well.

As I type this he’s up with the baby for the day and I’m still laying in bed. He’s a great dad and I’m going to give him the chance to be that.

Update 2: The fight took place yesterday and I forgot to change the verbiage bc I wrote it out in my notes for the character count. This morning and last night he took the baby and is actively with her and playing with her while I get ready to go out for some self care today.

The comments kept coming in response.

Dry_Cauliflower4562 wrote:

NTA, I don't get how people are saying you suck too. Not listening to the parent who was just with the child and knows a what the child needs/usually does at that time is stubborn, stupid and the baby is the one that suffers. Not terribly of course, but mom's are hardwired to respond to baby's distress.

So yeah, when you hear her crying/being upset over something avoidable, you're going to try to correct it even prevent it. Like, that makes complete sense. Most people hear the baby already ate and go "oh okay, so she won't be hungry, let's do something else" or hear that she JUST woke up and think "gotcha, she won't be sleepy then and this is an issue when trying to get her down."

I don't understand his resistance to factual statements. If it was getting too much for him, asking you gently to back off because it makes him feel condescended to like an adult would be the way to go, not texting you mockery until you're seeing red for...checks notes knowing your child????

I'm not saying stay mad or anything, but I think you two need a serious sit down about where his resistance to your help is coming from.

We know your hovering/helicoptering (even tho I really do just think youre being a mom) comes from observing Lil One and knowing what works for her and wanting things to be easier on him. We don't know why listening to you is an issue for him when you're the one primarily with the baby. That's gonna be the root of your issue.

jumpsinpuddles1 wrote:

Thank you. She didn't know the baby wasn't hungry or tired because she was the mom she knew because she had just fed her and watched her nap. She wasn't trying to be superior she just had facts relevant to the situation. He acted passive-aggressive.

He obviously feels left out, so the two of you need to have a chat about what each of you want/need going forward. I do think it's good for the other parent to struggle to find out what works for them even though the other could just take over and do it with less fuss.

Accomplished_Eye_824 wrote:

I don’t get how OP could possibly be in the wrong. I would’ve flipped my s#$t if this is how my husband behaved after we brought home a baby. It wasn’t easy but we knew neither of us knew what we were doing so we just had to figure it out together. Even w/ a toddler every day is new and we are learning together.

After receiving more feedback, OP jumped on with yet another update.

Last and disappointing update:

I tried apologizing to him and he told me he doesn’t want my apologies bc he feels they’re empty and that I apologize too much but I actually mean them and just know when I’m being rude and can apologize for it a lot more.

And in turn I said you don’t feel the need to apologize for the way you treated me last night? And he didn’t say anything so marriage counseling it is I guess.

The internet did not hold back their thoughts one bit.

Rohini_rambles wrote:

INFO

Did you two have this baby to try to save a failing relationship? Because it sounds like you both hate each other. He's far worse for literally poking you.

OP responded:

No that’s the sad part, we absolutely loved each other and were together for 5 years before we had our baby, and always dreamed of a little family.

Sensitive_Middle wrote:

Please don't feel discouraged OP, I suspect this is a newborn to a few month old baby. You both are tired and stressed, your body is still adjusting and healing both physically and mentally. Having a baby is hard and it takes a lot of trial and error to figure things out. <3

OP responded:

Thank you, she’s only 4 month and going through that sleep regression so I do admit we’re probably not in the best state to be super kind.

aventurine_queen wrote:

NTA. I'm confused on why people are saying E S H...the fact that your husband is treating you that way after you trying to just tell him what has already happened in her day sounds concerning. Literally antagonizing and poking you and being patronizing is absolutely not an honest effort of teamwork and parenting. That sounds really hurtful and isolating and I'm sorry you are going through that.

Significant_Cat_3 wrote:

NTA. How has he not figured this out at least somewhat, if he’s supposedly home 3 days out of the week? Even when he comes home from work, he should be taking over. Unless he’s working like a 12-hour shift or something crazy long like that.

He’s upset when you give him tips, but apparently doesn’t know what to do if left to his own devices. Women don’t automatically know how to take care of a baby, but boy some men will act like it’s a completely alien thing to them alone like no one’s business.