'AITA for telling my MIL she made her bed so lay in it after she disrespected me?'
"AITA for telling my MIL she made her bed so lay in it?"
My husband and I are in our early 30s, married for a few years but together for 11. Throughout this time we often argued due to my ILs behavior but specifically MIL.
There are many examples I could make, but to sum it up she has been controlling not only to my husband but also me, even going as far as pressuring my husband to make me do what she wanted regarding situations that didn't concern her at all, disrespectful towards me, overall invasive and demanding. You name it. The only thing she has not done is directly insult me to my face.
I kept telling my husband I was over their behavior and to put a stop to it, but he never really acted decisively so MIL never really stopped. Time after time I would put up a happy front and bite my tongue not to cause drama, but because everything just keeps piling up I'm always on the verge of blowing up whenever I'm around them.
I told my husband I'd like to limit contact at least for a while but he insists we go visit. My husband is also aware of much I'm affected by this. Anyway we meet up and MIL starts with her usual antics, I stay quiet until I've had enough and start talking back to her.
I did not insult her but I wouldn't let anything slide like I usually do and highlighted every inappropriate or invasive comment. She is surprised and asks me what came onto me, I never acted like this, and so on.
In a fit of r-ge (I wasn't yelling and I spoke calmly and slowly, but my emotional state was crystal clear, you couldn't mistake it for a lighthearted remark) I told her she's been disrespecting me for years and this is what she's getting now, and she made her bed so she should just lay in it. Things got tense and we left. I'm upset but finally feel liberated for standing up for myself, husband seems torn, MIL is obviously livid.
Husband has now said that he agrees and understands my emotional state on the matter but also wants to keep the peace and to just apologize. I refused and said I would only be open to revisit the relationship if I see some change and effort to at least be cordial and mutually respectful and I absolutely will not apologize for anything I said because I mean it and would do it again.
I reminded him that he had many chances to stand up to them and that I also said no one involved would enjoy it if I had to stand up for myself, and he never took me seriously. I also said I never insulted her or yelled at her, so apologizing for my reaction to her comments sounds incredibly backwards. AITA for what I said and for not budging on this?
Commenters had a lot to say in response.
Howlpen wrote:
NTA for this moment, but you’ve been treating yourself poorly for years by staying with a man who is willing to sit by silently while you are being treated disrespectfully, and asks you to take the poor treatment to keep the peace.
Why did you marry him before this got resolved? At least at this point you don’t have kids. If he does want kids, then find a good counselor and insist on establishing boundaries with the ILs before you bring a baby into this toxic family.
OP responded:
Because he promised things would be different after marriage. She's a difficult person and often resorted to insulting the son so it was never easy for him.
Ok-Conference4266 wrote:
NTA - You're a saint. Your husband needs to step up and be better. If he cant stand up for you with you present, i highly doubt that he does behind your back. Makes me wonder what MIL says when you are not there, and why she's comfortable enough to say it to him...
OP responded:
That has been an ongoing issue that I brought up to him many times. I kind of know what he says to her when he "stands up for me" behind my back and is often to the tune of "don't do this going forward". She justifies her behavior and the following time she is more sly about it. No matter how many conversations I have with my husband things are never really resolved so that's where we landed.
Individual-Ad_9213 wrote:
NTA. If anyone should apologize, it's your husband. He should apologize to you for not having talked to his mother about her inappropriate behaviors as soon as they started. And also, he might consider apologizing to her for not informing her that what she was saying/doing was inappropriate. He knew this all along, and rather than do/say anything, he let it fester. That's all on him.
OP responded:
He has brought up some issues here and there throughout the years, it just felt like he gave her ammunition to hurt me while being more sly about it.
nythnggs4590 wrote:
NTA. Your husband didn’t stand up for you so you did it yourself. He needs to realize as a husband his wife comes before his mom. I assume father in law is still in the picture to take care of MIL.
OP responded:
Yes, FIL seems to be extremely attuned to what's going on and often appears concerned.
KnightofForestsWild wrote:
NTA That would be the most public non apology I could make. Stand up from the table at Christmas and say "I'm sorry I allowed you to be such an AH to me for so long that it actually came as a legitimate shock to you that I wouldn't let you do it anymore. Suck it."
OP responded:
Your comment made me giggle. Definitely not a me thing but it would be funny to do something like this for once.
NKedLifeCoach wrote:
NTA and congrats for finally setting some clear boundaries. The next step is enforcing those boundaries. By enforcement, I mean communicating clear consequences if she refuses to treat you with respect.
For example, I have a brother who was going off on a rant about my business, saying knowledge should be free, etc. I told him, "I love you, but I'm not going to let you talk to me that way, so I will no longer discuss this topic with you. If you decide to berate me about my profession again, (consequence) I will hang up on you."
I suggest starting small with consequences, such as hanging up or leaving the room/house/event, or asking her to leave if it happens at her house, but communicate an escalation clause each time.
"I've warned you what I will do, and now I'm doing it. Next time, I will also ______." And I will keep taking it further until you start treating me with the bare minimum of kindness I should be able to expect from my family members."