'AITA for making my drunk MIL leave a family gathering after what she said?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my MIL to leave our family gathering after she broke boundaries?"

I (31F) can’t have kids. PCOS*. When I met my now husband (33M), I was very upfront about it and told him that I never wanted kids nor could I physically give him one. He understood and didn’t want kids either so we are on the same page.

My husband is the only male child out 7 siblings. My MIL was furious when she found out we weren’t having kids. We tried setting boundaries with her on this and other topics but she’s stubborn. After 4 years of her behavior, we slowly cut off most contact except for family gatherings and such. She was, for the lack of a better term, third wheeling our marriage.

This past Father’s Day, the siblings and SO’s got together to celebrate at our home. Husband and I hosted because we have the space to gather safely. MIL and FIL get here. It was going fine until dinner. She had been drinking some. One of my SIL is pregnant and we were all talking about baby names.

MIL was making a few small remarks about how Husband and I would never hold “a little bundle of joy” like it was a joke. Then MIL said something like “Give the baby your last name so at least someone might pass on our name” to SIL while looking directly at my husband. He told her to stop and she did for a while.

Then we were cleaning everything up. I was in the kitchen with pregnant SIL and MIL came in and asked how we were. I said “Fine, how are you?” And she had the audacity to say “Not that great since [Husband’s Name] married you.” SIL told her to stop and that she needs to go back outside. But I said “No, you need to leave, go home, I don’t want you here.” I didn’t say it in a rude tone or yell, just firmly.

I know she had been drinking and influenced what she said. And I know I was upset and what I said was in the heat of the moment. But she had never once before attacked my husband’s decision to marry me to my face. She did eventually leave with FIL after making a big scene in front of everyone about how I was throwing her out.

Husband was on my side after SIL and I told him what MIL said. But FIL is pissed at me for kicking MIL out and how it made her feel unwanted by her family. A few of Husband’s sisters took their parents side and think we (mostly me) are a$$holes.

I don’t feel like I was in the wrong for telling her to leave. But after a week and a half of sitting with it and talking to his siblings, Husband is feeling iffy about the situation and thinks MIL was wrong but maybe I should have just let it go because we don’t see them often. AITA for saying what I did?

Edit: Every case is different and every person’s body is different. For me, my doctor told me I was not able to have children at all. I can’t have them, no chance at all, and my doctor said it was from the PCOS. But it’s not like this for everyone, this is just my case.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

anabolic_beard said:

Made HER feel unwanted in the family? A baby from her son won't fix whatever hole she has inside of her. NTA

callmeishmael517 said:

LOL she feels unwanted after she told you she wished you weren’t part of the family? Too funny.

cultqueennn said:

Nta. Your fil has the audacity to guilttrip you for making his wife feel unwanted after HER WORDS?

lostlonelyworld said:

NTA. But your hubby slight is because hes allowing his family to openly disrespect you. This is probably a good time to put your foot down with hubby and state that if he will allow his family to openly disrespect your marriage and you they cannot come into your home nor will you attend future family gatherings.

And andreaak88 said:

Holy hell, you're completely NTA it isn't even funny. If my MIL came to my home, and made snide remarks at dinner and then told me off for marrying her son, she would never see me again.

Your MIL is a piece of work, but I think it's clear your husband needs to step in and have a conversation with her. He needs to tell her HE does not want kids, and it is not just because of you. I don't think that distinction has been made and this is why your MIL is saying it's all your fault. Which is obviously dumb, but here we are.

Termination4 said:

Definitely NTA. Alcohol doesn't change your morals just your decision making. She has always thought that of you just never told you to your face until now. You have every right to do what you have done. Good for you.

Commenters agreed: NTA.

Later, OP shared this update on the situation:

After my last post, MIL called me and asked if we could sit down over coffee and talk about what’s been going on. I said how awful it is hearing her belittle me and Husband for not having kids, especially when it isn’t possible and that our decision won’t change. I explained that her attacking my marriage was uncalled for. Especially in my own home to my face.

She gave a non-apology by apologizing for how I felt and said she would make the effort to not say rude things about my marriage or stance on children, so that we could have a relationship with her. She followed this apology up with “You need to understand that I just want what’s best for my son.”

A few days later, Pregnant SIL called and told me that MIL called one SIL, saying if my husband didn’t marry me, she’s have a grandchild from him and she still didn’t agree with us not having kids.

I was hoping she’d be able to change but she didn’t last two weeks. I was angry but I sat with it and read over what some of you said. This is a losing battle with her, there’s no forcing her to like me or finding that solid footing. Plus, some of you mentioned that this isn’t my battle to fight with MIL. That’s on my husband. And you’re right. They’re not my parents, they’re his.

I talked to Husband about it and he talked to his parents and had a firm conversation with them. I wasn’t there for it, but FIL showed up the next morning to see us. He apologized for his behavior on Father’s Day and his part in it.

He went on to say that MIL feels strongly that her son should be having children, that everyone should have children, but that it’s not any of her business what we do nor is it his. It was a genuine apology. He said she made me feel unwanted in a family where I was very much wanted. We cried a lot during our talk.

As for my MIL, she has not reached out to me at all, and I don’t expect her to. Husband and I decided we will be No Contact with her. We will talk to FIL, have him over sometimes, but we won’t be speaking to MIL. We’re going NC with her, including not going to gatherings that she’s attending and excluding her from those that we host.

I felt awful even having this convo with Husband about NC, not wanting to alienate him from his parents, but he brought it up first which shocked me. A few of you suggested that it was because he was so used to the treatment and he agrees. It’s been second nature to him for so long that he just brushed it off. He sees this now and he’s firmly on my side which I’m grateful for.

As for the sisters, one of them is still firmly on MIL’s side but the rest of them, on varying levels understand why we’re going NC. I think having a third party here give some insight helped me see that this isn’t a situation where I need to just roll with the punches. And I appreciate those of you who helped us on this!