'AITA for telling my MIL to stay out of things that don't concern her?'
"AITA for telling my MIL to stay out of things that don't concern her?"
My husband and I took some time out from his mom last year because she was interfering into my personal business that had no impact on her whatsoever. The gist of what happened is; I was contacted by some biological family members of mine, my late father's parents and two of his siblings.
They had reached out to say they regretted letting me and my younger sister go into foster care when we were 6 and 2 after our parents died. My sister died in foster care and then I was left totally alone with no family. So having these people reach out now that I'm 29 and haven't seen them in over two decades, it pissed me off.
The reason for them not taking me is I was my father's affair baby. He was married with kids when he and my mom started an affair and his marriage to his ex wife only came to an end when my mom was 6 months pregnant with me. The fallout meant my father was hated, understandably, but so was I and so was my sister when she was born.
I have very vague memories of his older children and none of them pleasant. My father's parents and siblings all sided with his ex wife and the children once my parents died and decided foster care was the only place for us since we had nobody on our maternal side (my mother was a foster kid herself).
I saw my grandparents and aunts and uncles at my sister's funeral but she was buried by the state since none of them claimed her body and I was just a child myself so I couldn't.
I had no desire to welcome them into my life or to "forgive" and form a relationship. My MIL started making comments that I should give them a chance or I will regret it. She said how am I ever supposed to know "my siblings" if I don't make the effort. My husband told her to stop.
I even told her "my siblings" weren't part of the group who reached out and from the limited info I heard they have no interest in establishing anything with me and it sounds like they feel like I should have died with my sister. MIL said it didn't mean I shouldn't try and then she wanted to know their names so she could talk to them. After her not letting up despite my husband telling her multiple times.
We decided to take that break from her. Then a little over a week ago she showed up and told me she found them on FB and was waiting for them to accept a message so she could talk to them and "fix things for me." I lost my temper and told her to stay out of things that don't concern her.
She told me not to curse and she was trying to help. My husband was furious with his mom when he got home. They argued and then his brother got involved and basically said I should have just shut the door in her face and let my husband deal with her. So now I'm wondering if he's right and I was wrong to engage and say what I did. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Red-Octopus91 said:
I can’t stress this enough: NTA. She kept meddling in your business and doing things against your will, which she has no right to do. And you’re absolutely right to want no contact with your bio family after what they did to you and to your sister. I am very sorry for what happened to you and your MIL needs to learn to respect people’s boundaries.
ghostbuster1349 said:
NTA. Your MIL crossed a boundary and clearly doesn’t respect your wishes. Not knowing the relationship you have with your MIL, she seems to be having the boomer thought of blood is thicker than water and families members can’t be toxic and cut out of one’s life. The way this woman would NEVER see me again is it was me.
GoreGoddezz said:
NTA. She really should mind her own business. Id give her a choice...Either she stops right now, or you will cut her off 100%. If she doesn't respect you...You have your answer. I'm sorry you had a painful childhood.
Unfortunately... Way to many people blame the affair babies when stuff like this happens, and its never the child's fault. I've seen so many people on this subreddit alone blame the children, or egg on people telling them they don't have to do anything for the affair babies or the "parents should have thought of this" before having affairs. Maybe now, after reading your story, they will rethink that attitude.
November-8485 said:
NTA. That was a big boundary crossing and trauma you have. It wasn't her place.
wittlefinn said:
She needs to learn what happens when she pushes beyond boundaries that have already been addressed, she probably thinks her expertise is above yours because “she’s a mother," she needs a reality check. Always stand up for yourself, NTA.
KronkLaSworda said:
NTA. You and husband will need to reinstate the no-contact break from MIL for the foreseeable future. She will very likely share your contact information with as many people in your old family as she can. You'll have to block them, too. This is not her "problem to fix."