'AITA for telling my MIL why I have vaseline next to my bed? She thinks I'm gross.' MAJOR UPDATE

Oftentimes, the only way to directly shut down a dynamic is to address it head on.

"AITA for telling my MIL why I have vaseline next to my bed?"

Okay, so, my MIL! Or actually I will start with my wife "Tara". Tara is lovely and wonderful. Tara also escaped from her little Midwestern hometown and ran to the coast the absolute moment that she could, and I am pretty sure her mom took that personally. (her mom was born and raised in and around that small town). So my MIL. She is emotionally immature.

Tara read that one book about immature adult parents and she finally understood her family dynamic in a way she never did before. MIL is not a bad or evil person, she usually means very well, but she's kind of, I don't know how to put it, self-centered? Like her first thought process is always "how do I feel about this new information."

Tara and I bought a little starter home last year (f- interest rates but we're hoping they come down and we can refinance, the place was too good to pass up) and her MIL invited herself over last week. This is something that is extremely on brand for her, and we like to pick our battles in this family, so we just let her.

Her mom (who again is not terrible, just has bad emotional regulation and boundaries) shows up and drops her stuff in the spare room and just immediately starts giving herself the tour. Again, whatever, we actually hired a cleaner before she arrived so we wouldn't worry, annoying but that's life.

So she's wandering around and comes to our bedroom. I have a jumbo sized tub of generic vaseline next to my bed because I use a nose CPAP and my lips get chapped so she picks it up and makes this really weird face and says, almost direct quote, "well I know what THIS is for!" And I respond, "oh that's for chapped lips, I don't j3rk off with vaseline."

Apparently my timing was good because my wife laughed but my MIL did not laugh at all. Then for the next three days she kept asking me ARE YOU GONNA BE GROSS AGAIN when I tried to make normal conversation. I said over and over that she was the one who made the joke and her response was always "yeah but that was a JOKE!" like what I said was totally serious?

And I guess it was, I mean, I was telling the truth, but I was only bantering because she started it. I didn't even invite her into our bedroom. Anyways she brought it up over text to Tara and there is subtle pressure from her to just apologize, but I don't think I did anything wrong. AITA?

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

robospammm wrote:

NTA. She was the one who first insinuated it was for s*x. You just said it out loud.

She's got the dirty mind....

OP responded:

So her argument is that it was innuendo and mine was just stating words out loud. I think this might be a cultural thing too maybe idk, I have gotten in the doghouse in this family before for being too direct?

slackerchic wrote:

NTA, she tried to make you blush but then gets mad because you made her blush is what this basically boils down to. The next time she says something about it I would just be like "omg how much do you think about this ONE comment??? The fact that it seems to be at the absolute forefront of your mind is making me almost as uncomfortable as the original "joke". Can we just bury this entire incident?"

OP responded:

Yeah I think I might have been more direct than she's used to. I am mostly worried about my wife, who gets to be the middle-person here. She finds it harder to set boundaries with her mother, I would gladly tell my MIL to just stop and go away if she wants to talk about it. Thank you for context.

mamblepamble wrote:

NTA. I read that book. My mom does this. She wants you uncomfortable so she has the upper hand to step on your boundaries and make you feel dirty. She was going to weaponize your reaction that entire trip if you had one and bring up the tub of Vaseline to get a reaction at every chance she got.

You took that power away, turned the tables and didn’t give her the reaction she wanted (embarrassment) and now she’s pissy because you embarrassed her, she can’t take it, and she has no emotional power over the situation. Let her be pissy. F around and find out.

OP responded:

I mean, context, she does this with Tara a lot, which is why Tara upped sticks at the first opportunity. When you put it that way...it seems really bad though...

A few weeks later, OP shared an update post.

I took the advice of a couple people in the original thread and I talked to my wife about (1) what happened while her mom was there and (2) how we would manage similar situations going forward. I think the commenters were mostly right, and that my MIL was using what i said as a cudgel to get "the upper hand" (I don't know how else to put that) in conversations.

We talked it out and agreed that we would let it go, but if she brought it up again, or if she tried something similar again, we would present a united front and we would refuse to engage with her, I guess, "attention-seeking" behavior? Again I find this all weird and don't know how to really talk about it or phrase it.

Well, you can probably guess what happened. She was on the phone with her mom just catching up and her mom brought up me being "gross" again. I wasn't on the call or anything but I could hear her in the other room. For context, Tara finds it very hard to set boundaries with her mom because her mom will just not let some stuff go.

She will just keep bringing it up and talking about how bad she felt, or WHY would she do X or Y, etc etc. Honestly I am so proud of her for what she did: she hung the f up! She said "mom we're not gonna talk about that anymore" and then "mom, we're moving on" and then I just hear her phone get set down on the bedside table.

I walked in to check and she had this great little "defiant" face on, like she was proud of herself too. I hope that the little rush she got from saying no to her mom is encouraging to her going forward!

The internet was fully invested.

suresignofthefail wrote:

Bro, don’t use Vaseline for your CPAP. It’s dangerous for your lungs. Get Vitamin E oil instead. Petroleum products can cause lung inflammation or even Lipoid Pneumonia.

Gigi-Lily wrote:

I find the first steps are always the hardest but once you start you can maintain those boundaries and they get less scary. Good for her!

mostlywrong wrote:

I just came here to recommend Lanolin for your lips. You can get a tube (or a tub if you prefer) in the baby section because it is sold to be used for cracked ripples from breastfeeding.

I had a bunch of samples from when j was pregnant and started wearing it on my lips. It is the best overnight lip mask I have ever used. It is even still on when I wake up. My lips haven't been chapped since. You don't have to get the name brand either. I just get the Walmart brand because it is cheaper.

Justcouldnthlpmyself wrote:

I’m so proud of Tara! What a bada--!