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'AITA for telling my mom and stepdad the real reason I'm upset about my new baby sister?' + UPDATE

'AITA for telling my mom and stepdad the real reason I'm upset about my new baby sister?' + UPDATE

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'AITA for telling my mom and stepdad the real reason I was upset?'

I am a teenage girl and was born when my mom was 18. I see my dad like 3 days a year at Christmas. My dad doesn't want me as much as he wants his other kids but I try not take it personally.

My stepdad (been in my life since I've been 4 years old) is really nice to me, but I don't think he would care if I didn't exist, but he makes my mom and little brother (my mom's and stepdad's bio kid) so happy and does a lot for me, and for that, he means everything to me.

My mom's pregnant again and this time I get a little sister!! I'm just a little nervous, but my stepdad hasn't said anything about having his "first" daughter, so I really do appreciate him being sensitive to me, even though I don't think he considers me to be his daughter.

My mom is excited for another daughter too, and has been shopping for clothes and been putting together a nursery with me, because I am really good at art and am painting a mural for my sister.

She keeps saying things to me like "I am so grateful to be able to give all this to the baby that I wasn't able to give you" and that she is blessed that she doesn't have to do it alone, and that she's really excited to see my stepdad be a dad again.

I know I am being selfish so please don't think low of me because Ofc I want my mom to be happy, but when she says things like this, I feel like I am worth less and that I am burden. And then I feel bad for feeling bad because I want my mom to have a good life, and she at least stuck around because she could have left me like my dad did.

Painting is really therapeutic to me so I've been hiding away painting the nursery. At dinner today, my mom asked me why I've been so quiet and I told her about my feelings, and she got sad and my stepdad had to comfort her. I told her that I love her and was so grateful that she is my mom and for all that she's done for me, but she was still upset.

I feel like the a$$hole because I knew she would get sad when I told her my feelings but told her anyways. I think that hurting someone's feelings on purpose is the worst thing you can do, but I know its important to be honest so I am really conflicted. Can you guys tell me, and if I am being one, I will make my mom and stepdad breakfast in bed to make it up to them and finish the nursery at night to surprise them.

Commenters weighed in on whether or not they think she's the AH.

annrkea said:

Honestly, this is probably the nicest thing I’ve read on this sub. You have a loving family (aside from the stepdad aloofness?), but they hurt you, and you expressed your feelings. Nobody lost their sh!t, nobody threw anybody out of the house, nobody invalidated your feelings;

you were hurt and your mom was hurt but everyone just talked about it, at least so it seems? This is how it’s supposed to go. If that’s how it went, NAH. Not everything is going to be easy in complicated families, and it sounds like everyone is doing their best. Good on you all.

GreekAmericanDom said:

NTA. Your mother needs to hear this from you. Her words are knives in your soul. She is basically saying that this child is going to get a better version of her than you got.

These statements come from a place of insecurity and doubt. She feels that she could have done more for you and likely feels like a failure I. The life she was able to give you, BUT that doesn’t excuse saying these things out loud where you can hear them, because she is making you feel less.

She is the adult here. You should express how you feel, even if it makes her feel bad. She needs to remember that you still need her to do her best with you. She doesn’t get to have a do over with her newest daughter and not continue to do her best for you. If she tries to turn this around on you, ask for family therapy for the two of you.

SmartPlant7 said:

NTA! no one here is. You love your family and they love you, it can't be stressed enough. You are not a burden, based on what you're doing for the baby already says quite the opposite. However, it sounds like you feel guilty for being born when your mother wasn't as well off.

Try to remember that you are very important to her and none of it is your fault. I would recommend therapy if you still can't shake the feeling, happens to the best of us.

OldKindheartedness73 said:

Honey, you're nta. You probably don't realize this, but your mom poetically feels guilty herself. She probably wanted to give you all that your siblings have. No one is the ah here. Also, remember this, woman cry over the silliest things when pregnant. You did right by telling her and not letting it eat you up. You're not a burden. You're not a hassle. She loves you. I bet your stepfather does too.

Verdict: NTA / NAH.

OP later shared this very wholesome update:

edit 1: I went to talk to my mom but she was sleeping. My stepdad asked to talk to me. He said he never wanted to put this on me but it was the time. He told me that he loved me and that I am his daughter no questions asked. He said he didn't want to talk to me about being my dad because he didn't want to bring up bad feelings for me about my real dad.

he wants to adopt me but didn't want to pressure me and if he did my bio dad would have to sign away his rights. he was worried that my bio dad would 1. not put up a fight and that it would hurt me or 2. fight but still not want to see me more and hurt me so he was avoiding the topic. I said i want him to be my real dad and that I want his last name.

He said we will see what we can do and if it doesn't work we can try and hyphenate, and I can still use his last name as mine on my jerseys and stuff for soccer, and that as soon as turned 18 we would change it. He told me he would take care of me forever and that he is so proud of me and that I have never been/never will be a burden.

he said I don't need to be so nice all the time and if Im an evil teenage girl he'd still love me as much as he does now. He also told me that he never wants me to feel pressurized to babysit because even though they are young parents to me, they are still my parents and its their job to raise us all.

She later shared this second update:

I talked to my mom this morning and she said she wasn’t mad at me and just mad at herself. She told me she wishes she could have given me more and I told her that she gave me more time with her and that was enough for me. she said she had no idea how to he a mom when I was born and doesn’t know how i turned out to be so good but she is happy.

She told me that i better be selfish today because she wants to go shopping and buy me lots of things. She said I have never been a burden and that I’m the best that happened to her. She said I should go to therapy because being a people pleaser is bad

also my mom and dad called my bio dad this morning and he agreed to sign away his rights. I got a little sad and cried a lot and idk why because I wanted him to sign them away but my mom and stepdad hugged me a lot and we are going to have a party tonight with both my moms family and dads family.

my dads family especially my grandma and grandpa are really excited that I finally am going to have their last name and grandma has sent me pictures of gold necklaces she wants to have made for me with my new last name!!

I'M NOT CRYING. YOU'RE CRYING.

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