"AITA for telling my mom it’s my baby shower, not hers?"
I (25F) am pregnant with my first baby. I am so excited for this new chapter of my life. My mom and I are currently planning my baby shower. My brother and I were primarily raised around my dad’s family. When I was too young to remember my parents decided to spend minimal time with my moms family.
Her family is messy, several of them were drug addicts, they were always fighting, it just wasn't a good environment for kids. Therefore, weekends and holidays were spent with my dads family.
My parents recently got divorced. Since the divorce my mom has really struggled with my brother and I spending our time with my dad's family. I understand how and why it is hard for her. She feels like we prioritize my dad’s family over hers, but we don't have any relationship with her family.
My dad’s family reaches out on birthdays, holidays, for milestones, etc. I didn't hear from anyone on my moms side of the family when I got engaged or married, which is fine, it’s just a testament to the lack of relationship I have with them.
Now that the baby shower is in the works, I made my guest list which had about 57 people on it. I asked my mom who from her family she wanted me to invite. She had me add 17 people, 7 of which are friends she's had for less than 2 years. The rest are her family, who I don't really know. I added all of them with no questions asked.
I had too many people on the guest list and had to remove some of them. I removed 9 people from my list. I then asked my mom who I could remove from her list. She replied to my text and said "everyone I sent you is important I would like you to keep them on the list." I just said okay.
Shortly after, she asked me if I ended up removing anyone from her list. I told her that I removed 3 people from her list, who I haven't seen or heard from in at least 10 years. She told me one of them was already informed of the shower and verbally invited. So, she asked me to send an invite to this person. I did, with no hesitation.
A few days later while out to brunch she said "there were other people I would have preferred you to take off the list than the people you did." I explained that she could have told me this when I asked her who to take off. She explained that since she is paying for the shower she should be able to invite who she wants.
(Side note: I did not want her or anyone to pay for the shower for this exact reason.) I said that the people who I took off from her list are people who I haven't heard from in a decade. She said my milestones are her milestones therefore she should be able to celebrate with whoever she wants.
She said if there is room for 60 she should be able to invite 20. I told her it's my baby shower not hers. Needless to say we never came to an understanding. She just accused me of being inconsiderate of her and I left the restaurant crying. It’s hard to trust my emotions right now between all the pregnancy hormones. I see where she is coming from, but I only removed 2 of her people. So, AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this:
Discount_Mithral said:
NTA. Her paying for this, then lording it over your head is major AH mood. You asked nicely who could be removed, she gave you a non-answer, so you did what you had to do.
Tell her that while you are grateful of her monetary contribution to the shower, if it means she feels entitled to something that should otherwise be about you celebrating a new member of your family, she can take her money and leave. Unless she wants to be surprised with less time with her grandchild due to her behavior, she should learn boundaries now.
Pondering-Out-Loud said:
NTA. Look. Your mom's about to become a grandmother, perhaps for the first time. She's not wrong for seeing it "as a milestone for herself." But! Baby showers are not intended to celebrate soon-to-be-grandmotherhood. It's a celebration for the parents and their soon-to-be-baby. If not, what's next? Soon-to-be-aunts get a say? And uncles? And cousins?
I genuinely dislike that your mother is using her funding as a way to bully you into giving in. However. I'm inclined to raise some...weird thoughts about the party's size? 60 people for a baby shower is a lot. If you don't know some of those initial 57 of 'your list' all that well...
Maybe that's why your mom thought "Well, since she's inviting people she doesn't know particularly well either, I can do the same (since I'm paying for it anyway)?" Obviously, I don't know if this is the case, and it doesn't excuse her trying to hijack your party.
WiseConsequence4005 said:
NTA but give back her money and tell her that she's pushing boundaries and if she keeps doing it she won't be invited to things. You need to put your foot down it's your child and it's about YOUR child and not about her and she needs to accept it.
zannazo said:
If its possible for you, pay for the baby shower yourself. She is making it about her and she will ”blackmail” you to get it her way. So remove her “weapon” and start over with the shower if you have to. Change the date and then only invite the people YOU want there.
BeardManMichael said:
NTA. Her milestones are hers. Your milestones are yours. To me, her not understanding that is a HUGE problem. This might signal a laundry list of problems that are just coming to the surface now. Be inconsiderate of her. The baby shower is NOT ABOUT HER. Please put your foot down now so she is discouraged from being more selfish in the future.
grrlclimber said:
NTA. You've shown a lot of flexibility. It's your baby and your baby shower.
StunnedinTheSuburbs said:
NTA. Tbh I think it’s rude to invite someone to a baby shower (expecting a gift) who you haven’t seen in years. It’s really odd.