'AITA for telling my mom she’s not my kid's mom when she tried to overstep? She cried.'

"AITA for telling my mom she’s not my kids mom?"

So for background I 28f and my husband 30m have two kids. 7m and 4f. My mother is actually a great grandmother. She lives the kids and is very helpful but she has this habit of overstepping. So both our kids do chores. We give them things to do that they’re capable of doing. Like my son does the dishes sometimes after dinner.

My daughter will help set and clean up the table afterwards. Those kinds of things. My mom came to visit us recently and I’ve been noticing she’s being doing this thing. She stops my son from whatever chore he’s doing and does it for him but if she sees my daughter doing something she won’t.

At first I thought she just didn’t want her grandkids to do work because she often calls me a cold mother for making them do chores. But then I figured out the pattern and it rubbed me the wrong way because I remembered she used to do the same thing to me.

My brothers would do nothing while I did everything so I started correcting her and making my son finish his chores himself which made her really agitated. Yesterday we were having dinner and my daughter and husband were clearing up the table because it was my son’s turn to do the dishes.

She tried stopping him but I told him to the dishes and took her outside. She told me I’m so cold for making my son wash dishes and why couldn’t I do it, I explained to her that we like to split chores evenly in the house and if he’s capable he should(it was like 5 plates and cups and a few spoons).

She kept going and she called me lazy (something she would often do whenever I asked my brothers to help me out with chores). Here’s where I may be an AH. I told her ‘she’s one to talk after making me clean up after everybody my whole life. 'I told her I’m not going to enable my son to be ‘fcking’ losers like her sons.

My little brother literally had to be spoon fed until he was ten because he refused to eat if my mom didn’t feed him. I was apparently ill treating my son by making him do all these chores. I told her ‘I’m teaching him to be independent and that she may have raised two boys but she’s not my kids mom so she should f#$k off when I’m trying not turn my son into an incompetent AH.’

She left crying. My dad called and told me she’s moping around. My husband says it was deserved but he really doesn’t like my mother because he’s seen over the years how she treats me compared to how she treats my brothers. Did I go too far and any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

The internet did not hold back.

Zookeepergameold3851 wrote:

You know the most annoying thing about reading AITA everyday? So few people have the self-respect or the spine to stand up for themselves and what is actually right. I was raised exactly the same way. Girls do everything, boys do nothing. My brothers are still inept in their 40s, and, frankly, thoughtless.

Not once have they brought a single thing to Christmas/Thanksgiving/Easter dinner, for example, and they downright ignore my mother's birthday last week. THANK YOU for committing to raising both kids equally and to pay attention to the sexism seen so often when raising a boy and girl.

NTA Your mother needs to step into this century. Her misogyny is deeply sad. You say she "often" calls you cold or lazy. Why exactly do you need to invite her over or see her regularly when she speaks to you so ab#$ively?

Heartbernmira wrote:

NTA and good on you for whoever your children end up with. Their partner will be lucky to have someone who splits chores, and if they choose to be by themselves they will be able to take care of themselves. As a parent it’s your job to prepare them for real life.

Radiant_Bee1 wrote:

NTA. You saw the behavior and the pattern and took action. I assure you the daughter would have eventually seen it as well and wondered why she never got a break. You are 100% right. They are your kids, and you don't want your kids to be shown favoritism, and you want them to be independent and able to do things themselves.

She can be unhappy about it. It’s her right and privilege. She can have her own feelings.

But she cannot tell you or your husband how to raise your kids.

whynotbecause88 wrote:

NTA. Your mom is really s*xist, favors your son, and should not be allowed to see either kid until she cleans up her act. That kind of favoritism is damaging, both to the favored as well as the unfavored child.

SadFlatworm1436 wrote:

She’s actually not a “great grandmother” if she treats your kids differently like she did you and your brothers. There’s absolute nothing great about that behaviour. Goodness knows what else she says to them. You reached your limit NTA.

Rohini_Rambles wrote:

Your mum treats you like crap, FYI Sounds like you don't even realize howw much she talks down to you after a lifetime of it. A good husband would hate your mother. You've found a good husband. Way to go for finding your backbone and your voice. You deserve soooo much praise for breaking the negative cycle your mother started. She wronged you and she wronged her sons too.

She can stay home and mope.

And also fyi if she's undermining you and your parenting, she's NOT a good grandma.

StAlvis wrote:

NTA.

"My husband says it was deserved but he really doesn’t like my mother because he’s seen over the years how she treats me compared to how she treats my brothers." Well yeah, of course he doesn't. He has all the evidence.

outrageous-banana905 wrote:

I don’t think you went too far. I think your son will appreciate learning how to be a capable person. Your daughter will appreciate being treated fairly. Rock on mom. You’ve got this. 👍