'AITA for telling my mom what her husband said to me?'
"AITA for telling my mom what her husband said to me?"
Dangerous_Grape_5021
My (16F) mom got married a few months ago. She's been dating her husband for 3 years before that. My dad died 6 years ago. My mom and I had a talk a couple of weeks ago. She told me she noticed I'd been a bit more distant and she wanted to check in with me because I was never that way.
She also mentioned how uncomfortable I look sometimes and how she hates it. She wanted me to tell her anything and said it would mean a lot to her if I could be honest, no matter what. So I was honest with her and admitted that it made me a little sad to see her with her husband.
That I'm glad she's happy, and I want that for her. But I can't help feeling sad it's not dad making her smile and thinking it should be him. I told her it's not a big deal but it's still an adjustment for me seeing them being all couple vibes.
Mom hugged me and told me she was sorry she hadn't checked in with me better on how I was doing with that. I told her it was okay and I loved her. She seemed a little upset and I reassured her the best I could so I got another hug.
A few days later my mom's husband approached me and asked me why I had to say that to mom and whether I was trying to break them up or make mom feel like she couldn't be affectionate with him around me. He said on top of everything I made her feel like a bad mom.
Then he said I was old enough to know there are things you keep to yourself no matter what. He told me he'd tried to step in as a dad but I clearly hadn't wanted that. So he stepped back. But for me to have an issue with him loving his wife was too much. I could see he was pissed.
I sort of knew mom wouldn't have liked that but she asked me after noticing some tension in the air so I told her what he said to me. My mom was so mad at him. They got into a fight.
And later my mom's parents got involved and both of them and my mom's husband told me I shouldn't have told mom what he said. That it really looked like I was trying to stir up trouble. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Comfortable-Sea-2454
NTA
"I sort of knew mom wouldn't have liked that but she asked me after noticing some tension in the air so I told her what he said to me. My mom was so mad at him. They got into a fight.
And later my mom's parents got involved and both of them and my mom's husband told me I shouldn't have told mom what he said. That it really looked like I was trying to stir up trouble."
You answered your mom's question honestly and you weren't attacking either her or her husband. Her husband was told and had a tantrum about you being honest about your feelings, then he got your maternal grandparents involved. Your Step dad is acting in a very immature manner.
corvidfamiliar
Your mom loves and cares for you, and she wants you to trust her. As any parent should. She heard you out, believed you, and was right to rip into her husband for his inappropriate behaviour.
It's obvious your mom wants to check in with you and wants to keep you comfortable, but is having issues navigating everything that has been happening in your lives. Her husband has no right to butt into her and yours relationship in the way he attempted to, policing what you're allowed to say or not say to your own mother. He is fully inappropriate, controlling and delusional.
This is why your mom is angry at him. She realized what a massive ahole she married, and that he is trying to drive a wedge between her and her child. Don't stay quiet. Keep communication open and honest with your mom. NTA.
Unhappy-Prune-9914
I agree, I think the mom is starting to realize the stepdad is a problem. Op, do not stop telling your mom what is going on with your stepdad. He's not acting right and your mom needs to know what he's saying to you and how he's treating you.
frickingL
NTA. Your mom is the only adult doing their job. My biggest thing is that you aren't responsible for keeping adults' secrets. Helllllllll no. What? What was all that training in school about? Don't keep secrets for adults. (And I would add for people holding power over you. Keep paying attention to who asks you or pressures you to do that when you're older.)
Also...
A terribly unfair thing happened to you and your mother, and yeah... Things get uncomfy when life moves on in weird and unfair ways. Your stepdad is a jerk for telling you to hide your grief.
He took you having some grief in the situation as an insult. It's a complicated one, and you even say that you don't see it as black and white. You're glad she's happy, and this is incredibly mature, but he still took the broad strokes of the situation as an insult.
He took your mother being concerned and possibly processing some grief she hadn't yet as a threat and an insult. He is being incredibly immature. Guess what? My father passed 23 years ago, and I still grieve sometimes out of the blue.
My mom grieved occasionally up until she passed a few years ago. His ego is in for a bumpy ride if he doesn't grow up. It isn't about him, and I'm sure that's hard for him to fathom.
Dangerous_Grape_5021 (OP)
Thank you. I think the weird thing I have found with grief is how different things can get different reactions. The first time we went on vacation after dad died I was sad, because I thought of how much dad would have loved it.
But the first time we went to our family's favorite food place, it wasn't like that, it felt nice for us to be there and I didn't feel as grief stricken. Grief is the weirdest journey and I don't know if that ever really stops. I'm really sorry for your loss and thank you for the kind comment!
___sea___
NTA — and now tell her what her parents are saying to you. Keep telling her everything as she seems to be the only one on your side.