'AITA for telling my mother that I’ll never fully love my sister because of my resentment?'

"AITA for telling my mother that I’ll never fully love my sister?"

For context: My parents had me when they were in high school. Personally I don’t think that they were prepared for a child, but they decided to keep me. When I was young, my father left our lives, and I still don’t fully know why. I just know it was a mutual understanding, and there was no court involvement, so I’ve never had much closure.

Then, 13 years later, he suddenly comes back into the picture. I was obviously confused and felt like it was too late. I’d been fine without him, and I didn’t need him, but I eventually accepted him. Shortly after, my parents got back together, my mom had another baby with him- a girl. I love her. she’s sweet, innocent, and I want the best for her.

But deep down, I can’t shake this resentment about the circumstances of her birth. I feel like my father came back into my life just to start over with her. What about me? He’s just going to waltz back into my life and then get a retry with a new kid? What about me?

That's why don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a “normal” relationship with my sister, because I can’t escape those feelings of resentment and anger towards my father. Tonight, I tried to talk to my mom about how I was feeling. I wanted her to understand that my feelings aren’t about my sister—I love her, but the situation just feels so complicated. Instead of hearing me out, my mom exploded.

She started attacking me, saying things like how badly she raised me, and even threatening to kick me out. She won’t consider my suggestion of therapy, won’t listen to my texts, and now I’m left feeling even more alone. I’m worried that if she follows through on her threats, I’ll have nowhere to turn. What about my future? I need to go to school and I have a job I want to keep! So, AITA?

The internet swooped in with all kinds of thoughts.

Internet-Dick-Joke wrote:

I mean, your mother is right about at least one thing: she has done a crappy job as your mother. Your feelings are your feelings, and they aren't exactly 'wrong', and trying to talk about them and requesting therapy rather than bottling them up and letting them fester was absolutely the correct thing to do, so obviously NTA and your mother is TA for how she responded.

I do just want to say that, regardless of your feelings towards your father, there is a pretty significant age gap between you and your sister, so you simply won't have the same relationship or dynamic with her that you would have had if you had been closer in age.

Your relationship with her won't look the same as what your friends with similar age siblings have or what gets shown on TV. So don't get hyper-fixated on whether your relationship with your sister is "normal" if what you're comparing it to is smaller age-gap sibling relationships because they're always going to be different.

Aggravating-Pain9249 wrote:

Your feelings are natural and appropriate. You probably should get therapy as your sister is innocent, but you father is not. I can't explain why your mother exploded at you, other than she may also have feelings of guilt that she has not addressed, either.

The age difference between you and your sister will also make it harder to bond with her. You sound like you are in high school. Do what you can to hold it together. Try to go to a school where you do not live at home. When in college, there is often a chance from free or minimal mental health services. Take advantage of them. NTA. Good Luck.

Shelaughsatthefuture wrote:

NTA for feeling that way, but it's good to know that while it feels permanent now, it probably isn't -as you rightly understood it's due to an entanglement of unprocessed feelings because the situation is complicated.

Your father abandoned you and has tried to waltz back into your life after thirteen years as though it's no big deal, you tried to deal with it and accept him and then they had another kid and clearly your mother expressly feels this new baby is a chance for them to 'get it right'.

That is enough to mess with anyone for a long time. It really sucks that your Mum reacted that way when you asked for therapy to help process the situation.

I'm sorry she wasn't more understanding and supportive. It sounds like an emotional reaction where she isn't able to think clearly about the situation or the impact of their behaviour on you and isn't a good person to talk to right now. If she's never made these threats before, and she's postpartum still, I wouldn't take them too seriously, but wouldn't talk to her about it for several months.

Sounds like she needs time and space to process too. You do need an outlet to process now though. Can you journal, and know it will be private? Write about each member of your family, their behaviour, how it's made you feel. What you feel they are to be blamed for or not?

How you want to relate to them in the future? How can you behave and act in line with those goals? Can you seek help through school -a school counselor or nurse? Go to them, give a brief outline of the situation, tell them your mother is too upset by your struggle to cope to give you access to therapy. I'd be astonished if they didn't try and help. Can you go to your Dad?

I know you probably don't feel like you know him well enough to share vulnerable things with him yet, but saying 'you rocking up after years and you and my mum then getting together again is a lot to process, can I see a therapist please?' is not unreasonable. I'd stick to being firm about sharing minimal detail. Just emphasising that is a big change and it's not an unreasonable request.

If he's at all inclined to take responsibility, he should fork out easily enough. Failing that, is asking your Mum again in a couple of months an option? All the hugs OP. It's a crappy situation, and while you might not come through it not being able to resent your parents for their crap, I hope you can one day have a wonderful relationship with your baby sister.