'AITA for telling my parents they are no longer allowed to stay at my house?'
"AITA for telling my parents they are no longer allowed to stay at my house?"
So backstory: I'm from the UK, but moved to the US when I married my spouse. We have kids and my parents are very keen to have a relationship with them. My parents are still "together" but don't get on, so they refuse to come at the same time as each other.
Since I moved over here my parents have stayed here for around a month EACH every year. We do have the space in the house but I still am never comfortable when they're here. My parents are very high strung people and I did not have a pleasant upbringing, I was always on edge and I do not feel comfortable around them.
They don't get on with each other and for example my dad (who is staying for a MONTH) expects to borrow a vehicle to be able to get around (we live in a very rural area). And was very irritated this morning because the car's battery died and I refused to let him take my car.
Every time I broach the subject of them not staying here any more they say things like "you're going to bar me from seeing my grandkids?" This is more of an issue with my mother than my father.
As she's more vocal. Or the fact that it was me who decided to move 5000 miles away and therefore I need to accommodate their needs. They stated they can't afford an air BnB (no hotels in the area).
I DO live in a very rural area with no real amenities apart from a few AirBnBs. So their argument is that if they cannot stay with me then they are barred from all contact. When they're here they expect me to feed them, and cater to them. My dad is a type 1 diabetic and is very set in his ways so he is very picky.
They expect it because they're my parents. I don't visit my home country very often and so have rarely stayed with them and would 100% get a hotel if it was the other way round.
I am just exhausted. They say it's only a few months a year and they are there to "help" but taking my kids to the park 3 times a week and doing the dishwasher every day isn't the help I want or need. I just want to keep my routine and feel safe and comfortable within my own home.
ETA: I do have a fairly massive house with a lot of empty space (not fancy, but large as my husband's a builder) which is the main reason I think that my parents are so frustrated at my action. And why I am receiving backlash if I ask friends around me if I’m being unreasonable.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
OnlyWatrInTheForest said:
A slightly out of the box suggestion. You say you are rural and your husband is a builder. Would it be possible to add a "cottage" or a mother-in-law unit? That way they could visit without being underfoot all the time.
Wild_Ticket1413 said:
NTA. It's your home. You are allowed the final say in who visits, when, and for how long. You have every right to set limits on visits, especially if those visits place a burden on you. It doesn't matter that they're your parents. They are still guests. You are an adult and, frankly, you owe them nothing.
The fact that you moved away is irrelevant. You have no obligation to accommodate their needs. They, however, do need to respect your autonomy and your space, and they're not doing that.
Decide what you are willing to allow and enforce it. Maybe they can visit for a week, but no more. Maybe they can visit, but must find other accommodations. Visiting you and their grandkids is a privilege, not a right. Ultimately, if they want to see their grandkids at all, they need to do it on your terms, not force you to meet theirs. Don't allow them to guilt trip you.
GodsGirl64 said:
NTA-tell your parents that you have enough children and are sick and tired of having to babysit them and their petty tantrums! They know that they want to come and see the kids so they need to budget for it and save up for an Airbnb and a rental car throughout the year. If they cannot afford that then they are allowed to stay with you for ONLY ONE WEEK!!!
Let them know that if they are staying with you they need to show you proof of their return flight having already been booked so you will know they will be gone by the deadline. Your parents are being ridiculous and you do not have to keep stressing yourself and your family in order to cater to them. When they snap back with their crap about being barred from their grandkids, tell them:
“I have told you the conditions for your visits and would love for you to see the kids. If they are really as important to you as you claim, then you will make saving up for your trip a priority. If you don’t, that’s on you, not me. You are choosing whether or not to see them by your behavior.”
Euphoric_Travel2541 said:
NTA. I know you feel an obligation to let your parents get to know your children and to put them up while visiting. But you are very drained by each of them and upset by them. They clearly stay too long. You are tired out by them. You have the right to restrict their visits. Protect your peace.
I might suggest, only if you want to, that you allow a one week visit for each of them, once a year. And six months apart, so you can count on peace in between. As the children get older, perhaps these visits can change to you visiting them in the UK for a week, or alternating visits. This allows some but limited contact, and more on your terms.
Suspicious_Thanks_89 said:
NTA. If you are not comfortable with them and are always on edge they should not be in your house. And if they wanted to be active grandparents they should have been good parents first.
I guess there is a reason you live 5000 miles away from them. Just tell them No. You can not stay at my house anymore. You don’t need to explain any more. They can do the airbnb and see their grandkids on YOUR terms or not at all.
asamue16 said:
NTA, this is your home, not theirs. They do not get to tell you what to do or how to live in your home. When they are planning on buying their tickets the next time tell them that they can stay for a max of 2 weeks or not at all. Don’t let them guilt trip you into staying longer. You are grown, act like it.
VivianDiane said:
NTA at all. Your home should be your sanctuary, not a source of stress and obligation, especially when that stress stems from people who made your childhood difficult and continue to impose on your adult life.