'AITA for telling my parents to just get a divorce already? I'm not sure if it was my place.'

"AITA for telling my parents to just 'get a divorce already?'"

I don't know what to do from here on out. When I was in year 8, my parents moved us from our home town. Since moving, they would yell at each other over things as simple as what's for dinner, my dad would threaten to divorce and my mum would end up crying so much so I wish he really went through with it.

I tried to tell my parents my own struggles on various occasions but was always too scared to tell them in person as they were almost always ready to snap at me or each other. So I wrote them a letter, I put it on their nightstand and I expected them to take me to therapy. Nothing changed. I assumed they might have lost the letter or thrown it away by accident, so I wrote an email.

Weeks passed and nothing changed. One day I was just curious, maybe my mum hadn't seen it. But to my horror, when I opened her gmail, it had been read. I was mortified. A few months ago, I told my school counselor in tears what I had been going through. They contacted and explained to my parents I was struggling with mental health and they suggested I go see a psychiatrist.

My parents finally agreed. Except, after a few weeks of sessions my psychiatrist suggested I get diagnosed for both depression and ADHD as I show many of the signs. Since that comment I have not been back to the psychiatrist.

My parents stated that it was ridiculous I struggled with any of that as I had never brought up my struggles or showed symptoms to them. At that point I snapped, I was crying and barely could contain myself and said, "you should just get a divorce already. I feel like you don't even love me." I ranted through tears.

My dad said back, "your mother and I are working through our own issues, we don't have time for your self-diagnosis." At this point I was so done, I called my older brother and am now staying with him. I feel bad, I still love my parents. I have some good memories with them and I don't want to believe they would intentionally hurt me. Should I apologise and go back?

The internet did not hold back.

Kyatto_Kun wrote:

NTA They are actively ignoring your well being and focusing only on themselves. You did not self diagnose, you were told by a DOCTOR that you should be tested. For your parents to say that is so gross. You sent them multiple messages saying how you feel and they ignored you. Is there anyway that your brother could help with this? Has he seen the fighting? Don’t say you’re sorry. They should be saying sorry to you.

OP responded:

My older brother always speaks highly of our parents but I dont blame him. He graduated and moved out before the move and has therefore avoided majority of the fighting. I haven't had the heart to talk to him about it since they are kind to him and he hasn't had any issues with them as far as I'm aware.

AlwaysAnotherSide wrote:

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling and feel unsupported by your parents. While they may have their own issues they still have an obligation to look after you and seem to be failing at doing that. How old are you? How are things with your older brother? If you are safe and happy there I would stay for a week or two just to get some reprieve from the situation at home.

Doesn’t have to be forever.

Don’t worry too much about what you said in the moment. They have been dropping the ball for a long time now, and honestly sounds like they might be happier apart. NTA.

OP responded:

I am almost eighteen- my birthday is in a few weeks- I planned to move out once I could find a place. But my job doesn't pay super well and I'm having a hard time finding one that does. Until then, I planned to stay with my parents but will now hopefully stay with my brother.

My older brother and I have a good and solid relationship. My only concern would be for my younger brother who is still at home with my parents, although they love him to bits so I'm not super worried there.

Teenysod wrote:

Your parents are so focussed on their own conflicts/issues with each other that they are ignoring you, their child, who has to listen and observe it all. Your father telling you they don't have time for you is shocking.

They may not "need" to get a divorce, they certainly need to wake up and smell the coffee about how their actions are affecting you and perhaps get some therapy around their toxic behaviours to each other.

Sometimes depression and anxiety don't really have causes. Sometimes they do, and living in a toxic household like that and being unable - as a minor - to escape would give anyone depression and anxiety. Sometimes these can present similarly to ADHD because, SURPRISE, when you are depressed and anxious you find it hard to focus and have reduced executive function.

Manage or heal the depression, and the ADHD symptoms might reduce or go away. Don't accept an ADHD diagnosis until you have had some proper counseling and support around your depression for a while longer: a counsellor might be more helpful to you than a psychiatrist while you work some of this out.

If you were posting about a partnership relationship where people were behaving like this, there would probably be an almost unanimous response of "leave them." Sadly, you can't leave your parents just yet: I'm glad you can stay with your brother for now.

Get some rest and space to breathe, catch up on sleep, and be a bit kind to yourself. Don't feel bad about 'abandoning' your parents - you haven't abandoned them, they are adults who can look after themselves. You are making some distance to protect yourself from a house that they have turned into a war zone between the two of them.

LadyGhoost wrote:

I have more or less been in that situation. My parents eventually got divorced and first then did they pay me attention. At that time it was more a competition over who could get my attention the most, ignored them mostly. I have an okay situation with my mom today, even if there are things she said or did/didn't do when I needed her that I cannot forget. I barely speak with my dad today.

Many parents don't understand the damage they do when they stick together while it is evident that they should get a divorce. And if you want to apologise because you will feel better go for it, but in my experience it won't change anything from your parents' side.

They may never understand this, or it needs a lot of work, work that you shouldn't have to do. You are the kid, they are their parents. They are allowed to have their own problems, but it should never affect you! You are NTA, stay with your brother if you can and try to get back to therapy, it will help. I wish you the best!

onlycatshere wrote:

I am so sorry your parents are choosing to be emotionally unavailable to you. What they're doing is laying the foundation for potentially lifelong resentments. Unless they suddenly pull their heads out of their asses, you aren't going to get what you need from them to grow and develop healthy coping skills.

You'll need to build your own family by surrounding yourself with friends and family that actually support you. NTA, but please make sure your brother covers his ass legally, in case your parents also have a petty streak.