'AITA for telling my SIL to 'stop overstepping' after she called out my husband on my behalf?'
"AITA for telling my SIL stop overstepping?"
For some background/context: I, 30F, and my husband, 36M, have been together 10 years, married for 3 and have a beautiful daughter, 9 years old. I love my family, my daughter is so amazing, funny and just generally amazing to be around. My husband dotes on me and our daughter. There's never a day we go without laughter in our house.
My husbands brother, 46M, is married to Elle, 35F, also for 3 years, together for 8 years and I can't say their marriage is an equal or happy one. My BIL works 12 hour days and plays video games when he gets home and that really it.
I can't remember the last time he took Elle out for a date or even complimented her or even spent time with their kids. When Elle talks about her husband its always with a strained smile and the usual, "Oh, you know how he is. Men, am I right?"
2 months ago I found out I was pregnant. Dran and I were overjoyed and our daughter was over the freaking moon. We did try to hide it so we could tell friends and family later on, but the morning sickness was too much and too hard to hide so we just told family. Elle was bringing me pamphlets and snacks etc. It felt nice to have a support system since most of my family are out of town.
Unfortunately, two weeks ago, after finally being able to get an appointment, we had our first scan and found out that my pregnancy was ectopic, my life was in serious danger due to the size of our baby. My tube was about to burst, I had to be rushed for an emergency surgery.
I had to be transferred to another hospital and I told Dean to stay home with our daughter and give her comfort, she needs her daddy. Dean was reluctant but went home to look after our daughter.
Morning of my surgery, Elle was with me, comforting me to help keep my mind off of things. We were talking about our kids when they were little, I got a little teary eyed and Elle said, "Dean should be here."
I told her that Dean is where I need him to be, getting the house sorted for my "long comfortable stay in bed" as he'd put it. I told Elle I do appreciate her concern but Dean is doing what I've asked him to do and is supporting me the best way he knows. She didn't say anything more after that. And left soon after Dean came to see me after the surgery was done.
I was sent home with a long list of do's and dont's which Dean took seriously. After being home a while, Elle came to visit to check on me. We weren't talking for very long before Elle huffed. "I can't believe your husband left you alone in the hospital. What kind of husband does that? I told him off for you, us women have to stick together against sh!tty husbands.”
I told her to stop overstepping where it doesn't concern her. Dean IS supporting me. Yes, it would have been ideal to have him by my side but our daughter needed him. I told him to be home with her until my surgery was done and I was able to go home. I told her I don't appreciate her comments at all, that it's not her place. I asked her to leave and I haven't heard from her since. AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
EmploymentLanky9544 said:
It sounds like Elle is projecting her marital woes on to you. She paralleled what her husband does, with what she perceived yours as doing. When she said, "Your husband should be here doing this" it was spillover of her own frustration with her own marriage with someone who seems to do very little at home.
Which doesn't excuse what she said. It does make her insensitive, and she crossed the line by repeatedly giving you judgement, and advice, when you clearly told her Dean was supportive, and organizing the home for your arrival and convalescence. Of course you're NTA.
OP responded:
It really does feel like she's projecting but I didn't want to assume. I haven't spoken to husband about this yet because we're still going through the motions right now and he's not letting me lift a finger for anything lol. He's taking on a lot right now, taking care of me and our daughter andni don't want to burden him with anything else.
Frenchie_in_the_am said:
NTA. You and you husband seem to have communicated and agreed on the best way to take care of your daughter while you were in the hospital. Unfortunately, Dean cannot clone himself to be at both locations so him taking care of the child makes the most sense.
Elle being there at the hospital with you is very sweet and that's what family does for each other, especially since Dean was with your daughter. That should be it. Or Elle (or another family member) could've been with your daughter and Dean with you, but I have the feeling Elle would not have been happy with that either.
It seems she is projecting her unhappy life onto you and trying to make you feel badly about the situation.
OP responded:
Dean did suggest calling some other family members to watch our daughter but we don't have a lot of family living close to us. My dad has a heart condition and needs a carer, his parents were out of state as well. We also didn't have a lot of time to ask around so I knew the best thing for us was for him to stay home with our daughter.
I did feel like she's projecting but I didn't want to assume and thought maybe there was an underlying issue I wasn't seeing. I'm so all over the place right now and since she's been radio silent I thought that maybe I went too far in what I said.
IamIrene said:
"I can't believe your husband left you alone in the hospital. What kind of husband does that? I told him off for you, us women have to stick together against shitty husbands.” Wow. NTA. That was so uncalled for her to do to your husband.
I can only think she's imagining herself in your shoes and what she would say to her husband about it. Still - that's not your situation, and even if it was she would have zero right to have a go at him like that. I hope he also put her in her place.
And OP responded:
I haven't spoken to him about this yet. I think I will once I'm mobile and healed enough. I want to make sure he's okay.
Stay tuned for any updates!