'AITA for telling my SIL that I love my niblings because they are my brother's kids?'
"AITA for telling my SIL that I love my niblings because they are my brother's kids?"
Hi. Last weekend we were having coffee with my SIL and 3 of the my nieces classmates moms. We are all kind of "friends." While I don't have kids normally, I am the one who takes my niece to dance classes and her performance/presentation and all the dance related things while my SIL stays at home with my nephew because he is still a baby and is kind of disruptive in these situations....
(The dance teacher is really strict). One of my niece's classmates (actually her BBF) goes to dance classes with her and that's how I got close with that mom (let's calls her Laura). And even if we are not like close friends we hang out some times and when the 4 moms reunite they includes me or invites me.
While we were having coffee, one of the moms (let's call her Olivia) actually mentioned a story she read online about how a widow doesn't allow her kid's aunt (the dead husband's sister) to see the kids because she doesn't treat the kids of her new marriage the same way. And she asked me as an aunt my opinion.
Well the first thing I said was please to forgive me because as I am not a mom I can't sympathize at all with the mom of the story, but that I feel really sorry for that aunt because the other kids are not her family.
Then I say, let's put an example if my brother and SIL get a divorce or my brother die, in that moment my SIL put a face like OMG!!! (here I can also be TA) and look directly at my SIL and says: I know you tend to misunderstand words so I am NOT saying I want or wish that to happen, I am just setting an example.
The other mom (Nella) laughs and says something like: We know how she is, don't worry, this is just an example. Then I continue, saying that in a case like that if she remarries and has more kids, then they won't be my problem at all and it's not my responsibility at all to take care of them or provide for them or love them.
Because my niblings are my niblings because they are my brother kids not hers. Then my SIL ask me with a straight face: If it's the opposite? Well if my brother has kids with another woman they are my brother's kids, they will be my niblings. So of course I will treat them like that.
And I asked her: Like you mentioned if it's the opposite do you expect your 3 sisters to love or provide or whatever for the kids my brother has with another woman? If looks could k*ll, I would be in funeral right now. Since my SIL sisters don't even care for my niblings right now.
And then all the other 3 moms agree with me, Olivia even says that her sister is married with a man with 2 kids and in 5 years, she had only met them like twice a year she doesn't even consider them niblings. And we just stayed for like an extra hour. But the rest of the time you could see my SIL was upset. So AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
anothertypicalcmmnt said:
NTA. As another aunt, I agree with your feelings. If my sister and BIL got divorced, and he had more kids, I probably wouldn't even see them that often if at all. I certainly wouldn't put in the same energy I do for my sister's kids.
HowlPen said:
NTA but you missed some nuances to this conversation and made it harder than it needed to be. Your SIL has a relationship with you too. She may have been listening for you to express your support for her- as in “If anything happened to my brother, my SIL would still be my family...
I would still be there to help her.” She will always be the mom to your niblings and it helps everyone - you, her, kids, brother- that you have a cordial relationship with her. That would still be true if she was widowed, and even if they divorce.
Cursd818 said:
NTA. You are their aunt through your brother. Your SIL isn't your sister, she's your sister in law. Why is this so surprising to her? Your primary connection is your brother. Any child of his is your nibling. Any child she has with someone who is not your sibling is not your nibling. If she's mad about it, tough. You're just stating biological facts.
LittleFairyOfDeath said:
YTA. Not necessarily for not considering her hypothetical kids with someone else as your niblings (even though i can’t relate to that since i like my in-laws), no you are the AH because you knew she was getting upset. You knew and you still carried on. Hell she didn’t even like to think about the hypothetical and you still continued on. That's so incredibly rude.
That9OsKid said:
YTA. As someone whose family consists of people who are both blood and not blood related, I can't stand people who put so much emphasis on genetics.
Srvntgrrl_789 said:
NTA. You were specific, and you were honest. If your SIL was upset, it's because she probably never even imagined this scenario, and really, has no business being upset, since you gave her a clear boundary.