'AITA for telling my sister I am not the golden child I just wasn’t a pain to raise?'

Sibling fights can quickly escalate.

In a popular online post, a sibling asked if they were wrong for telling their sister she's not a scapeboat, she's just a pain. They wrote:

"AITA for telling my sister I am not the golden child I just wasn’t a pain in the a**?"

My sister is a god d*mn mess, she was a lot growing up and each week some issue would appear. The could be as simple as a tantrum, or mom/dad getting a call from the school. I’m short she was a lot. Not to mention therapy for her basically drained the family dry. I was given more freedom since my parents trusted me.

I could go to mall by myself and they knew they wouldn’t get a call from security about stealing. That happened before. So they trusted me and gave me more freedom to do stuff. I have literally watch her get a chance to prove our parents can trust her and then f#$k it up. Our relationship isn’t good. My dad gave me his old car for my last year of college.

I need it for an internship. My sister made a comment that of course the golden child gets a car. I snapped and told her I am not the golden child I just wasn’t a pain in the a*s. That the family has drained themselves dry for her multiple time and to keep her mouth shut. She called me a jerk and ran to her room.

The internet kept it real in the comment section.

rebootsaresuchapain wrote:

I’m almost 50 and my older brother calls me the golden child. He spend his childhood playing truant, getting picked up by police, stealing from family and ending up in boarding school. Our mother wasn’t the best, she was a very self absorbed person and my brother has the same personality. (Our dad was always at work but did his best when his was home).

I have told him that I am the golden child. Not because they actively favoured me, but because I wasn’t in trouble every single day and as an adult I’m the responsible adult helping them, no just turning up when he needs something. NTA. Hard truths need to said.

OP responded:

I don’t get why she doesn’t understand that her actions greatly affect how she was treated. Like seriously she will give an example and my first thought is didn’t you do something sh#$ty a week before that.

COLGkenny wrote:

NTA. "She called me a jerk and ran to her room."

She sounds like she perpetually makes herself the victim no matter what happens. Stick to your guns and go LC with her. She is clearly a toxic person.

venturebirdday wrote:

Our family has a sociopathic brother (who was a vi*lent teen dealer), a sister who lived under his spell (she was not totally out of control but she was not nice), myself (a very self-contained person), and a younger sister who to this day is kind and gentle. My mother LOVED my little sister.

My older siblings still woe about how nice my mom was to her, mind you my mom has been dead for decades, and I reminded them of how evil and cruel they were as teens. YUP, just like in your home, they see no connection between their bad behavior and my mom's preference for the kind kid.

fabrico_finsanity wrote:

I think the thing that gets missed in the “golden child/scapegoat” narrative that goes around these days is that just cause you were punished more =/= being the scapegoat. I was the scapegoat for my mom out of my siblings.

I got great grades, never partied until college, went to a college honors program on a combined athletic/academic scholarship, graduated with honors, went to graduate school, and hold multiple professional licenses in my STEM field where I’ve been successfully climbing the ladder for 9+ years.

My younger sibling failed senior English, stayed out late partying, got caught driving friends in the car while under a learners permit (USA), and broke the wheel of their car texting while driving. My older got a DUI, smoked copious amounts of weed, and often partied until late at night in high school.

I had a curfew of 9 pm while my siblings had (flexible) curfews of midnight. I had to do all the major household chores (mopping, dishes, dusting, vacuuming) while my siblings were let off with keeping their rooms clean. To this day, my mother bemoans how I’m the hard child of the family and how difficult I was, when she never got called by the cops about me unlike my siblings.

It really pisses me off when truant or misbehaving kids talk about being the scapegoat of the family because that is an actual real thing, but acting a fool and getting punished accordingly is not it. Being a scapegoat is where you are a great kid (or even just a normal one!) and you get treated like a miscreant regardless.

jrm1102 wrote:

NTA - ah, the “golden child”. This sub loves this term. I personally think more often than not its just used as a scape goat for the other child’s insecurities and jealously. You could have been a bit nicer about it, but you were simply defending yourself.

beeeeeebee wrote:

NTA! I’m in a similar situation with my deadbeat brother who is convinced I’m the favorite/golden child. When in fact, I’m just the easy, self-sufficient one. We had the exact same opportunities and support growing up.

But clearly me being the “favorite” is the only way to explain the different outcomes…the fact that he’s unwilling to hold a job or make any effort to build/maintain good relationships must just be a coincidence!

HUNGWHITEBOI25 wrote:

LOOOOOL NTA. You should point out to her, that if her definition of “golden child” is that your parents are giving you stuff, then you could make the case that SHE is the golden child since your parents spent tons of money on therapy for her.

You did nothing wrong, your sister is a spoiled brat and personally i’m sick and tired of bratty children who hide behind the “my sibling is the golden child” mindset. Good luck OP.

Zafi1013 wrote:

NAH- I think you're missing your sister's perspective, so let me share mine. I was the scapegoat kid, and from the age of 5, I got to see my younger golden child brother treated very differently from me.

This only ever fueled my "outbursts." I was regularly pushed to my emotional breaking point by my mom and brother after being taught no emotional regulation. They would wittle away at my patience until I snapped, and then I'd be blamed for my reactions (usually cited as poor behavior/overreaction/tantrum) and punished with neglect.

For sometimes weeks at a time, sprinkled nicely with "are you ready to apologize" repeated throughout the "grounding" (literally just not allowed to go outside and left to my own devices) followed by more insults and neglect.

I was labeled a liar at 7 years old. I was behind in my classes with very poor grades despite understanding the material by 10. I got no help with homework and even less with social interactions.

I was suspended at 11 due to biting a b*lly who'd been harrassing me physically for weeks. No one helped me even though I'd been complaining about the bullying the whole time. It was assumed that I lied or started it. I didn't. By the time I was a teen, I had more than learned that I would never break out of my role in their eyes, so I let myself fall into it.

Any "chances for trust" I was given were always made very clear that they didn’t think I'd prove myself anyway, and I never did. There was always some confrontation or issue that had me feeling hopeless and falling back into my role. I will fully admit I was a pain in the a*s. I stayed out late, skipped school, skipped therapy, threw tantrums, and just in general, by the time I was 15, I acted like an a*s.

I also felt completely alone and like they only looked at me when I did something wrong. Let me be clear: I hated my brother with every fiber of my being. He got all the help, all the praise, and all the chances while I was left to scrape by and be responsible for myself. I was made to get a job at 16 to help pay bills while he was told to focus on his studies.

That's when I really disconnected from my family. As soon as I graduated, I moved across the country and built myself a better support system. My personality did a 180. I didn’t even try. I just didn’t feel alone and angry anymore because I had people who were understanding and willing to help me where previously I had felt like I only had myself.

When I went home years later with fiance in tow, my family didn’t recognise me. I was praised for how mature I'd "gotten" and told how "tough love really works." That familiar anger at being left to the side my whole life came flooding back in an instant.

I snapped on everyone, citing that I had always been this way they just never gave me any chances to show it, and they had nothing to do with my life even back then, so the credit was all mine. My now husband had to calm me down and got us out of there. We went NC with everyone after that, and my brother still says I'm just stubborn and overdramatic for it.

Now, my story is not your sister's story, and this may not be the case for you, but I'd be willing to bet that it's similar. You may feel like your sister is a hellion who was given every chance, but she clearly sees this differently. You don’t know how your parents speak to her behind closed doors.

You can’t know how she feels or reacts to those things without asking. She may be genuinely suffering, and her perceived only way to communicate it is to lash out at the one person who gets everything she doesn’t. Support, true emotional support, is so important to a healthy outlook on life, and it sounds like you get plenty, and she gets very little. I don’t count therapy here.

For years, therapy didn’t do anything for me because it didn't change the fact that my home life refused to see my progress. It never changed how I was treated by my family. Which unfortunately, only stagnated my progress. Roses can't thrive with no sunlight. They become a wall of thorns. It is easy to give up on getting better when you feel like there is no point in it.

I think you need to have an open talk with your sister. This back and forth is toxic to both of you, and I've seen too many people cut contact with each other over these kinds of things. I doubt she'll be the one to reach out about feeling alone, so balls in your court, golden child. Truly, I wish you both luck, love, and understanding.

lillyhatelife responded:

This made me emotional because I had a similar upbringing and I was upset reading all these comments saying that some kids are bad kids so they got treated accordingly because I’m sitting here wondering was I just born broken? Why was I considered a bad kid who acted out when all I wanted was to be good. I had hopes and dreams I wanted to accomplish. I still do.

But I feel so alone. I am still living at my parents house and being a leech who just does dr*gs and I feel horrible about it. Reading your comment makes me feel better I can change though so ty, the NTA comments I understand but they did hurt a bit.

It sounds like OP and their sister have a long ways to go before they reach mutual understanding.