Woman rejects identical twin's demand; says, 'I won't be your surrogate?' AITA? (TWO NEW UPDATES!)
"AITA for telling my sister I won't be her surrogate?"
4dagoodtimes
I, Celeste (30F) have an identical twin sister, we’ll call her Stacy for the sake of the story. Our mother unfortunately passed in child labor and we were raised by our father. Stacy has been married to Jeff for 8 years, I have been in a relationship with Mike for 3 years now.
One thing I’ve always known about my sister is that she wanted to be a mom, even when we were children she was always thinking about wedding ideas, nursery themes, baby names, etc. I was always more focused on books and having fun.
I am now a flight attendant, I am also attempting to become a published author. My sister has not worked, ever honestly. When we graduated high school we went straight to college, she met her boyfriend in college and once she graduated became a stay at home girlfriend until she became his wife.
I have known for a while that my sister has been attempting to become pregnant, unsuccessfully. She has experienced a single miscarriage and has been unable to become pregnant again after thousands and thousands of dollars being spent on IVF and pretty much anything they could do because she wanted to experience pregnancy.
After 5 years of no success, they have started to discuss other options. My sister isn’t interested in adoption and is very adamant on having a child that has both of their DNA (her words not mine.)
About 3 weeks ago she came to my house and we were hanging out as we usually do, just chatting and watching Modern Family. She told me she had a serious question and needed to ask me while she still had her nerves, it scared me but she asked if I could be her surrogate.
I was frozen for a second and asked what she meant, she told me that I know what a surrogate was- she needed me to be her surrogate. I expressed that she knew that I wasn’t interested in having children, this could definitely be due to how we came into the world.
But I’ll be honest and say I have NEVER found the thought of having children appealing in any way. I told her that I would have zero issue with donating my eggs to her, how ever many she needed she could have them all, but I could not carry her child.
Upon hearing that, she became so angry. Her face was so red and she was just yelling about how it’s obvious how jealous and hateful I am because this is a small task. I didn’t want to bring it to her attention that she has always spoke about having more that 4 kids, would the expectation be for me to do this every time?
I don't know, Im starting to feel so bad. She ended up telling me that if I couldn’t do this one thing for her how could I ever call myself her sister? She broke a picture of us I have sitting on my mantel and stormed out.
Since then she’s only texted me pictures of her diaries from when we were kids, and all of there vision boards saying that I’m stopping her from creating a family for no reason and to think about the bigger picture.
My boyfriend refuses to give me advice saying that it’s my sister and he doesn’t feel comfortable attempting to sway me in either direction because it’s such a touchy subject. Honestly, this is the longest I’ve ever gone without communicating with my sister and I am seriously on the verge of giving in.
EDIT: I am reading all the comments, and I want to say thank you so much. I feel so much better knowing im not the villain, but I would be lying if I said I am not leaning towards just doing it, this disconnect with my sister brings me immense discomfort in ways I cannot verbally express, but I see 2 frequent questions I want to answer to hopefully get different answers.
Money- My mother did not die of natural causes, it was provider error- my father sued the hospital and my sister and I have sizable trusts with that money. So money is not an issue for either of us, and her husband is financially well off as well.
So not working for 9 months, or paying for the egg retrieval process etc isn't an issue in any way. Its more so her stubbornness for the baby to share our DNA and for one of us to be carrying it.
Since we're identical, if she can't have a baby, how can I? Her lack of being able to have a child is due to a car accident we were in, which is also the source of the miscarriage she experienced. Due to her being in the front seat with our father, they took the brunt of the crash unfortunately.
Her body is now unable to carry a child and she has had extremely complications with egg retrieval, I'm not sure about the details of how that has gone wrong, just that it is not working and not an option. It is hard to get her to discuss non viable options so I can gain a better understanding.
Doctors will not allow me to be a surrogate due to me not having a child, thank you so much for this information. We have family dinner this upcoming Thursday because we always watch football with our dads and significant others, im sure this topic will come up if she decides to attend- Im hoping I can bring this up to her.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Duck-Duck-Goose1
Most doctors would refuse to allow you to be a surrogate as you've not previously had children. She'll be hard pressed to find one that would. Not to mention, she's asking her sister to sacrifice her body and potentially her life to fulfil her dream... that's not fair at all. If she can afford IVF, she can afford a surrogate. NTA.
Sir-HP23
I'd also add that her losing her temper in this way screams she's not stable enough to enter this sort of relationship with. NTA.
seductiveNormaa
NTA. You are not the ahole for refusing to be a surrogate for your sister. It's your body, and you have the right to decide what you do with it. Your sister's reaction is unreasonable and manipulative, and you shouldn't feel pressured into doing something you're not comfortable with.
EntertainmentOk6284
Nta. Pregnancy is hard. Your body never ever goes back the way it was. There are risks involved, especially with surrogacy because of all the hormones you would need to take. Recovery takes ages and again, your body will not be the same. Plus, you don't know how attached you will be to the baby.
It's an extraordinary ask and unless the surrogate feels "hell yes", it shouldn't be done. It's not fair of your sister to ask this of you if you don't want to. It's not your obligation to solve the crappy hand she was given. If she can't see that you don't owe her your body, she is the selfish one. She can be disappointed, she can grieve but she can not put the burden of her dreams on you.
tiny-pest
NTA. But any reputable facility will outright deny this being and option. Almost all places in the US require you to go through therapy to make sure you are 200 percent on board. You have to have already have kids.
What she is asking will be shot down, and the places that would agree to it are places that are not caring but about money, so your health and any child you carry are at risk. This isn't a small thing.
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
4dagoodtimes
So I promised an update tomorrow, but my dad actually ended up calling me while I was hanging out and told me to come over for dinner yesterday night so we could talk.
I want to start by saying thank you so much for all the comments and advice, some of you were jerks to not only me, but my sister and boyfriend as well. I still appreciate the help. I didn’t even ask about what when my dad called, I figured he had spoken to Stacy. Based on comments I know you guys won’t be happy, but I spoke with my boyfriend about where his head was if I were to go forward with it.
He told me that he loved me and would support me through any and everything, but he would not continue to sit by why my sister made me feel like trash and if I was doing this under coercion he would not be able to support me- which I honestly completely understand.
When we went over to my dad’s for dinner my sister and BIL were already there. I spoke to them both when we walked in but only my sister replied, my BIL gave me the most disgusting look and greeted my boyfriend only.
My dad sat us down at the table and there was just this awkward silence and tension I could cut with a butcher knife. He said, “somebody talk, we need to get this resolved before the game tomorrow night.”
My dad LOVES football lol. I started off the conversation by telling her that I did some research and atop of my initial concerns I now had a few more and needed to know exactly what she needed from me. I first asked her what being a surrogate would look like, she just said, “Are you agreeing to it?”
When I told her no, I just needed more details she broke down crying. I asked her if she knew that a doctor would deny me from being a surrogate given that ive never successfully carried a child to term and she said she knew that and she would just send my BIL and I to a “center of excellence”.
We can pretend we’re a couple and once im successfully inseminated then I would request a transfer from that provider to her OB/GYN for the continuation of care.
My father intervened and said that asking me to do something a doctor wouldn’t sign off on was a terrible way to attempt to begin motherhood. You could tell he wasn’t on board with any of it but didn’t want to pick a side,
He asked her why she was so uncomfortable with the idea of a surrogate, and that's when my BIL interjected and said, “don't try to berate my wife with these stupid questions, talk to your selfish bitch of a daughter about why she can’t help her sister.”
That immediately shifted the mood. My boyfriend started to yell at him for calling me a bitch, my dad told him he could not disrespect his daughters in his home, everything just went up in flames. My sister was crying asking me to “do her this favor” practically begging.
I told her that if I could trade places with her I would, but I was scared and just didn’t want to die. I think that was the first time I had said that out loud ever. We couldn’t get more solved after that, my dad asked my BIL to leave because he couldn’t control himself and refused to apologize.
When he was walking out my sister told him she would meet him in the car, asked me to come and talk to her on the porch, just the two of us. I went out with her and she apologized for her husband calling me a bitch, said that they were just on edge and it’s been stressful.
I told her that she shouldn’t apologize for him, and that we’d figure something out. She asked me to reconsider and just kept saying “You don't get it, you don't understand.”
When I pressured her for more she admitted that her in laws made a cruel ‘joke’ at one of their dinners recently about how she was a murderer. (Referring to the child she lost.
She said she asked him why he didn’t stand up for her when they made the joke and he said because it was true. He made some weird comments about her not being able to make up for it and how he was so excited to see what ‘their child would look like.’
And how he would never be able to look into a child and see pieces of them both, so she had the idea of me carrying the child and he was super on board. But the way she said it was like he planted a seed and she seems to believe it.
t was her idea. She said she hadn’t seen him that excited since the baby and she just needed my help to get everything, ‘back to normal’. I tried to explain to her that nothing would ever be normal again and that what she was trying to do was the WRONG thing.
But he just started blaring the horn rushing her to the car and she said she’d call me later. I feel like I may lose my sister but I now am not even willing to donate my eggs for her to have a baby with him. I took your guy’s advice and looked up the egg donation process and… wow!! Not at all what I expected.
I want her to divorce him, I am never going to help her procreate with that man. I genuinely think I’d be a surrogate for her to be a single mom before I’d ever allow her to place his child in me or take my eggs to even create a child with him. I had no clue that his family was pushing so much guilt onto her.
I have literally been jumping at my phone every time it rings because I know she’ll be calling soon and I’ll have to tell her that…. I’m terrified I’ll lose my sister but I can’t and won’t do this. Probably won’t update anymore, but thanks for all the help! I’ll probably create my own reddit now because I’m kind of obsessed with the site lol :)
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's first update:
Dimirag
Your sister should divorce and stay away from her in-laws, no wonder that man is that way, he needs therapy as soon as possible.
Boeing367-80
OP showing some healthy backbone, about which there was some doubt in the first post. Assuming this is real, it's a super stressful situation but she appears to be rising to the occasion.
Roughly a week later, the OP returned with their final update.
4dagoodtimes
I know I said I wouldn’t update anymore, but so much has happened and I can’t explain the weird relief I feel typing my madness onto this website. My friend did say that I could just have this page, which relieves so much stress because lord knows I wouldn’t have made one if I had to do it myself.
I had to watch a YouTube on how to properly use this site and what some of the things mean because people kept commenting that I was ‘Karma Farming’- thats neither here nor there, on to the update.
A lot of you suggested that I be more careful around my BIL for fear that he would become violent. I did not listen, and I kick myself now for not doing so. I thought I knew my family well enough and this was just a bump in the road- how extremely naive of me.
My sister called me back the next morning (the day after he called me a witch), I unfortunately missed the call because I was in the shower. When I called back, no answer.
It was a normal day until we got to my father’s house that night for football. Kick off had just happened when my sister walked in. She asked my dad if he could come outside and talk to her husband , my dad said no because the game was on, and he could either wait until the commercial break or he could come in and apologize like a man in front of everyone who witnessed him disrespect me.
She took a breath and told him how he wasn’t being completely fair. She tried to bring up a previous situation drawing likeliness and it infuriated my father, he told her how he didn’t raise her to be make herself small and weak for a man, and said whatever he did that made her think this how you have a healthy relationship he was sorry for failing her as a father.
Her eyes started to water and she just stormed out without another word. When I went out to my car after the game was over I had 2 flat tires and a broken passenger front window.
My dad put 2 donuts on the car, used his truck to tow the car into his garage and told me to take his other vehicle and he would get the car fixed and I could come and get it whenever I had time but not to worry, he asked if I wanted to stay the night, I declined.
I called my sister, she didn’t answer- so I texted her and said a lot, but for the sake of some of it staying private it was just a “I can’t believe this is where we are. Loving a man should never call for destroying your family in the process.”
She responded by saying “That’s the problem, my family is already destroyed and you aren’t willing to help me put it together.” I again, tried to call her after that- no answer.
On the drive home I noticed a car following me, when I was able to get a better view I realized it was my sisters MIL car (I know this only because she has a very distinct car decal that I have literally NEVER seen anywhere else.)
I freaked out and called my boyfriend asking him to meet me back at my place, when I pulled up at home into the driveway the car pulled in behind me, luckily my boyfriend was turning down the street, by the time my BIL got out of his moms car and tried to walk to me my boyfriend was running out of his car yelling at him.
Jeremiah immediately started yelling, “I just wanted to apologize! I just wanted to apologize!” Him and my boyfriend got into a small scuffle before he got into his mom’s car and sped off. He did hit my boyfriend’s car in the process, it didn’t appear to be intentional and his car is still drivable.
After this, I obviously didn’t feel too comfortable at home anymore, I packed a bag and went to my boyfriends house and haven’t really been back home sense. My dad did add a camera and flood light to the back door and driveway, but I’m honestly not too sure I want to go back although I know I will have to at some point.
Yes I reached out to my sister, no she did not answer or respond at all that night or the day following. After that, I would notice that on 1 day a red car would be following me, the next a black one.
I know you may say I was scared and just thinking people were following me, but I would notice them- begin to drive to the police station per instruction from my dad, just for them to then turn once the station was in sight.
On Sunday I went to brunch with a few friends to celebrate one’s upcoming wedding and discuss bridal shower details. The waiter came to me and told me my husband was up front and it was an emergency- thinking it was my boyfriend and she was just mistaken- I go up to find my BIL.
I approached him in an attempt to not make a scene speaking low asking him to leave or I would call my dad, he told me that everything just went too far and he just wanted to apologize. We were kind of in the doorway and it was just awkward people funneling in saying excuse me, so I suggested we step out to get out the way.
When we went outside, he apologized for calling me a witch and said he didn’t feel that way. He told me I didn’t understand how hard it was for him, and I cut him off there saying that how hard it was for him didn’t matter to me because his behavior was becoming too chaotic and abusive to not only my sister, but everyone else.
He told me that he understood how I could feel like that but asked me to again ‘reconsider’. He reached for my stomach and I instantly stepped back and told him he needed to leave and we could set up a time to talk with my dad but him stalking me was an issue and we could talk later or I would call the policy.
He grabbed a fistful of my hair as I was walking back into the restaurant saying “Dont you fucking walk away from me”. Honestly, I dont remember much after that. Everything just went really quickly and a few bystanders got involved- he ended up fleeing before the cops could come. A report was filed.
2 days ago he tried to come up to my airport terminal, telling them he was my husband and there was an emergency- same BS he bulled at the restaurant, he was arrested after refusing to leave. He was of course bailed out and has since taken to messaging me the most vile messages.
My sister did ‘leave’ after the show he put on at my job, she is currently staying with our dad but has been asking me to drop the charges, making excuses for him and has been very adamant that he didn’t hit me at the restaurant despite my literal scalp bleeding because of how hard he yanked my hair.
The small scratches I have on my neck and arms from him continuing to escalate aggressively when strangers tried to help. Some of the texts are him telling me the vile things he’s going to do to me.
How he’ll get me pregnant and I’ll be stuck with him for the rest of my life, how he knows that im the woman who is going to bring him a son and if I dont make it easy for him we’ll both die before he gives up… Just really concerning.
I blocked his number so all of these are coming from random ‘text now’ apps, told the police and they said there’s no way to prove its actually him, so until he acts on it- nothing can be done.
I am literally scared all the time, my boyfriend drives me to work and on top of the regular precautions I take more and I can barely sleep now. I send my sister a screenshot every time her husband messages me and she has taken to no longer interacting.
My dad has asked me to stop doing this because its beating her down but I told him that I can’t even believe she defended him during some of this and she needs to see the harassment that her husband is committing.
I feel defeated, I dont even know if me and my sister can come back from this. I feel like I’ve basically taken over my boyfriend’s life, and I feel terrible about it. He hasn’t said anything but his regular gym visits are cut sometimes if he has to pick me up or drop me off when I have to work or go anywhere else because I’m scared.
Being gone for a day due to flights, I know allows him to do more of his routine, but now we’re basically forced to live together- which I enjoy, but im not sure that he does. We got into an argument the other day about the AC temperature… I feel like my life is slowly devolving into madness and I can’t breathe.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's latest update:
Actual-Apartment4368
I would unblock him and silence his number so you don’t get notifications. That way the police would know he’s the one sending messages if he uses his number again. And for your sister, your relationship will never be the same again. Even if you find your way back to each others it still will be different.
And even though your father is helping you, if he says something again about you messaging your sister what her husband is writing to you - make him remeber that your BIL actually threatened to rape you and your sister is still with him.
CapOk7564
i wouldn’t even say potential, this is a future rapist. he’s completely unhinged. you’re so right, OP should unblock and mute his number. i wonder if a lawyer would consult with her on actions she can take to make a legal paper trail.
Cops will still likely not intervene until he causes psychical harm, even with threats. I agree with absolutely everything you said, quite literally took the words out of my mouth.
JazziR1
Your BIL is stalking you, and his delusion is that YOU will have his baby. Let that sink in. Because it's time for NC. Idk for how long, but long as it takes. Your BIL is violent, abusive, and delusional. Your sister is beaten down because her husband wants her sister to have his baby and is stalking her like an episode of You. You can't reason with violent & delusional.