'AITA for telling my sister-in-law to get out of my daughter’s baby shower?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my sister-in-law to get out of my daughter’s baby shower?"

I (47F) have a daughter (25). She is currently 26 weeks pregnant with her second child (a girl). Her first child, Phillip, was stillborn two years ago at 38 weeks (a little boy).

When she lost him, she asked us to take apart the nursery before she got home and “get rid of” the baby equipment (she saved his baby book, his ultrasound photos, and the outfit she planned to bring him home in, along with a lock of his hair in a memory box).

She’d had a baby shower for Phillip when she was pregnant, but her grief around his death was so strong that she couldn’t handle having the nursery and baby things.

We offered to return the baby shower gifts to the givers, most kindly refused and asked us to donate the items…except my husband’s sister, Rachel (43). She made a HUGE deal out of my daughter being “hysterical” and constantly, loudly talked about how “ridiculous” it was to take apart the nursery.

We kept her away from my daughter and only allowed her to return to family functions when she promised to stop bringing it up. We recently held a baby shower for my daughter’s new baby girl. Rachel (along with the rest of my husband’s female relatives) was invited.

She kept making quiet remarks to everyone that we were “tacky” for having a baby shower for a second child, but since she didn’t get near my daughter, I ignored it. When my daughter began opening gifts, it hit the fan. She loudly said “if you hadn’t torn Phillip’s nursery apart and gotten rid of everything, you wouldn’t be here begging for presents for this baby.”

My daughter froze and just stared off into space. Tears started running down her face. I just said “Rachel, please leave.” She refused and started arguing with me. I took her present out of the pile, walked to the door, and threw it out.

I yelled “Get out, NOW!!!” and my husband came into the room and asked what happened. His mom told him and he physically picked up his sister and put her down outside the door. Now the family is divided over whether I should’ve yelled at her to get out and thrown her present. AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

pleasant_test_6088 wrote:

NTA. If anything, you were overly generous by trying to ignore her cruel, thoughtless remarks prior to the final horrific outburst. Your daughter's welfare was your priority and must remain so. I can't imagine how heartbreaking the loss of her baby was and to reminded of that so callously is unbelievable.

Your SIL took a joyous occasion; one full of hope and promise, and poured acid all over it. You and your husband both should be commended for your restraint. I hope your daughter enjoys a healthy pregnancy and that your granddaughter brings you all much joy.

OP responded:

Thank you. Your kindness is so appreciated.

TemptingPenguin369 wrote:

INFO: Why was Rachel even invited after the way she talked about your daughter's behavior when she was grieving?

OP responded:

The family agreed to keep her away from my daughter until she apologized and agreed to stop talking about it. She did so a few months after Phillip’s death, and had been invited to several events since without bringing it up.

13surgeries wrote:

NTA. And since Rachel has proven she can't keep her toxic views to herself, I certainly hope she's banned from family functions for many, many years.

What is this woman's problem? Why was she so outraged by dismantling the nursery and returning the gifts in the first place?

Has she always been such a b*tch? The remark about "begging" for more gifts sure says this is about more than the nursery and gifts. Is she jealous of your daughter? I hope your daughter was able to get over that unwarranted attack quickly, and I hope she has an uneventful pregnancy and that she and her new baby are healthy and happy.

OP responded:

Rachel is infertile and cannot have/never had children. My daughters were already tween/teenagers (11 and 13) when my husband and I married, and he has no biological children of his own (though he’s been a wonderful stepdad). She’s never liked it that the “only kids her brother got were another man’s.” I’ve “robbed” her parents of having “real” grandchildren, blah, blah.

60andstillpoir wrote:

What a great mom you are! I don’t know how your husband held it together with his sister. Best wishes to you and your daughter on the upcoming blessed event.

OP responded:

Everyone tiptoed around Rachel for years because of her fertility struggles (she never had children and two husbands left her to start families). I’m truly sorry for that for her. But she went too far this time.

Anxious-Routine5562 wrote:

NTA. I commend your restraint because SIL needed to be laid the fuck out. I don't know or care what's wrong with her, but clearly, she has no sense of compassion, empathy, or decency. What disgusting and cruel behavior.

It's well past time to cut her out and off from your family. I'm sorry about your daughter's loss and even more so that she's had to deal with such a vile excuse for a human being on top of it.

bygeez wrote:

How is the family “divided” about this? What she said was totally unacceptable and you 100% did the right thing by asking her to leave. She is a piece of slug s#$t to argue it. Thankfully Your husband also did the right thing by physically removing her. NTA don’t ever invite her to anything again.

Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.

UPDATE: we are having a family meeting (without Rachel) while my daughters and their partners are away at Hot Springs this weekend. Will update again after the meeting.

Three days later, OP shared a bigger update.

UPDATE 2: The meeting went well. My husband and I gave a brief summary of what happened, backed up by witnesses. The relatives that couldn’t make the shower are now aware of what happened. The family consensus is that Rachel is unequivocally to blame and should not be allowed to be around my daughters or their kids.

Other people in the family brought up issues they’ve had with her in the past along similar lines (especially involving pregnancy and kids). Rachel will no longer be included in large family gatherings.

Those who want to continue a relationship with her will do so on their own, and have been informed that advocating for Rachel to be forgiven and included or feeding her information about me, my husband, or our kids and grandchildren will result in us going no contact with them as well.

My mother-in-law has apologized profusely for making the remarks about being sad that she won’t have “both of her children” under her roof for the holidays anymore. We have accepted her apology because her feelings are valid and this is sad for her. Thank you so much for all your support. I will update when my granddaughter is born, if ya’ll would like?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

sportsfan3177 wrote:

Seriously, I don’t understand. I am an aunt and I would be absolutely heartbroken if this happened to my niece. How can she treat her so horrifically? What an ugly person.

OP responded:

We found out this morning from a cousin that apparently Rachel also criticized us for having a funeral and burial for Phillip…because “it wasn’t like anyone actually got to bond with him.” we never knew that or she would have NEVER been allowed to apologize and come near our little part of the family again. She showed us the texts. Rachel can’t deny it.

doobaa89 wrote:

OMG I love your husband. This made me cry that your family could be reasonable and rally around your daughter.

OP responded:

I think it helped that almost everyone in the extended family with kids had a “cousin Rachel” horror story. The meeting wasn't really a consultation, more of a “this is what happened at the shower” for the family that wasn’t there (mostly the men and few ladies who had to work) and an info session on what we’ve decided.

Lozzanger wrote:

As a woman in her 40s who has suffered miscarriages and likely won’t be having children I very much wanted. F Rachel. I can’t even imagine having a stillborn and to be so cruel is beyond next level. My inability to have children isn’t Carte Blanche to be cruel to a supposed loved one.

OP responded:

I’m so sorry for your pain. I’m also grateful that you made this comment. I think it’s where a lot of the resistance from the family is coming from regarding cutting Rachel off for her behavior…their sympathy for her situation. I’m sure it must be hard for her to watch my daughter’s marriage recover from a stillbirth, and see them go on to have another baby after what happened to her.

I’m sorry that she couldn’t have children, and I’m sorry that both of her husband's abandoned her as a result. That in no way, in my opinion, gives her the right to try to destroy my daughter’s happiness.