'AITA for telling my sister to stop having kids when she is poor?' MAJOR UPDATE

The truth hurts, and sometimes, it doesn't sound "kind" either.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for telling her sister she should stop having kids. She wrote:

"AITA for telling my sister to stop having kids when she is poor?"

My sister (43F) is a single mother to four kids, she recently announced her 5th child. I don't know of the father, never met him, but I knew I was annoyed. My sister lives low income so having multiple kids is too much money in this economy, I have 3 kids myself but I work a good job to provide for them. My sister and I went NC due to personal reasons, made my life a living hell but still wants my help.

This is her second time getting in contact with me, I blocked her number and changed it before but she was able to get it. Half of the family doesn't mess with her after what she did to me and I'm happy about that. The conversation was her on the phone telling me that she needs help with the kids because the father doesn't help or pay child support.

The man she is currently with is a j*nkie and vi*lent to her and sometimes the kid if he is upset. She didn't say good morning or anything, she just jumped into her own conversation. She asked me if her kids can stay with me and I no so fast, I don't want her boys anywhere near my daughters. They're weird!

Why I say this is because my sister's oldest son (16M) went around schools touching girls inappropriately and went into the girls bathroom but my sister didn't do a thing and defended her son. That's why half of my family doesn't talk to my sister because she doesn't take accountability so everyone moves away from her. Her son also talked about my daughter's body, they are not allowed over here.

But I told her there was nothing for me to do and she should figure it out because she needs to stop having kids when she knows she's poor. She didn't like this and said I was bragging and didn't like to help. I love to help, just not for her.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

SophieHatter372 wrote:

NTA after you added some info, your sister is failing to parent effectively. There are many factors at play here including her ability to make informed choices; she may well have substance issues herself (there isn't always choices here as it can be viewed as a disease); her ability to access contraception; the ethos of the culture you live in; and whether there is adequate, cheap or free medical assistance.

You are 100% right to be NC when there is a need for it, and certainly don't need to take in children you don't want. Exactly how are they weird though? If you are concerned for them you have a moral obligation to report. Then walk away, don't look back as it's not your problem. Edited to change my vote.

OP responded:

When I say they're weird I've meant the things they've done, her oldest son (16M) went around schools touching girls inappropriately and went into the girls bathroom but my sister didn't do a thing and defended her son.

That's why half of my family doesn't talk to my sister because she doesn't take accountability so everyone moves away from her. Her son's also talked about my daughter's body, they are not allowed over here.

emjkr wrote:

NTA. But call CPS, tell them about the DV.

RedsRach wrote:

NTA. Her children are her responsibility. If you’re worried about them though, and there are definitely some causes for concern mentioned in your post, then you should call CPS. Physical abuse, potential exposure to drug use, and concerns over them being ‘weird’ would be enough for me to call, regardless of how I felt about their Mother.

We all have a duty of care to report suspected ab*se of all children, even if they are not directly our responsibility.

waste0331 wrote:

This should have been the first thing you did OP. The information about the j*nkie would have been enough for an investigation in all likelihood but a junkie that b*ats the kids will definitely cause a visit. I would also suggest you tell them to send an officer with the social worker to protect them so they get the point the dude is dangerous to everyone.

eccatameccata wrote:

My three step-grandchildren grew up with a mom who lived on the state and child support. They were so poor that they got gifts from charity, used clothing, food pantries etc. None of the adult children talk to their mom. The youngest has cPTDS from the chaos of poverty. They hate that their mom brought them up in extreme poverty and do not forgive her.

waaasupla wrote:

NTA she’s free to have as many kids as she wants IF she can AFFORD to raise those kids on her own. Even basic livelihood is fine but she should be able to provide that. One can’t give birth to 5 kids and ask everyone around to fund, help, raise & support as they are failing at it. That’s not how it is.

The moment she asked, she has opened up the path for others to question her choices.She sounds like a never ending toxicity. It will never stop. Stay away from her. If they are ab*sing the children, call CPS ANONYMOUSLY. Don’t get pulled into that.

Eight hours later, OP jumped on with an update.

Little backstory and update, I see everyone feedback and I am thankful. I just want to make a few things clear, for everyone saying I knew then you guys are wrong. I've been NC with my sister since I was 17 when she let her husband r*pe me and blamed me for it, after that I didn't care about her life or what she did.

I already knew her two kids but I don't know her other kids and I don't know who their father is. My family has been calling CPS on her since 2013 because the kids would always fight at school, touch girls inappropriately, and had dirty clothes on. My family gave her resources to help her, gave her clothes for the kids but sold them to buy groceries or whatever she brought.

She dumps people and uses them for their money so that's why half of my family cut her off, she isn't invited to any family gatherings. CPS knows her but does nothing, I see everyone keeps saying to calling every time but it's not working. When CPS doesn't care then they won't do anything, if the kids are not starving CPS won't do a thing. She has a record with CPS! CPS knows but does care.

I found what my sister said kinda strange because she is known for lying, she said she is 4 months pregnant so I'm guessing she's been with her boyfriend for some time but why all of a sudden she calls me? After years? It doesn't make sense to me! And yes her son's are not allowed over my house with my girls, her son is 16 and already has a record for harassment in his school, his third school I remember.

I don't want that predatory behavior around my daughters, no matter if we're blood or not. I don't know if she is considering adoption for her 5th child, I don't know because again she is blocked. Everyone is asking me to take the baby in, sadly no I will not. I don't have a right to take a child away and I know my sister won't stand for that, I have kids and they're enough.

The internet had a lot to say in response to the update.

DecadentLife wrote:

I absolutely understand the frustration of knowing that something is very wrong, and thinking that something could be done about it, yet the needle doesn’t move. But I have to say the same thing that many have, please call CPS every time something happens with the kids. If you don’t keep calling, if you’re not giving information for them to investigate, how on earth can help come?

Most CPS workers care a lot. It is a crappy job, it pays so little, and has so much heartbreak. Their hands are tied. Please tell other members of your family to keep calling, too. If you are aware of the kids going without food, at any point, please call CPS and tell them exactly that. I wish you the best in every way. I would also not allow your nephews around your daughters.

It is sad, but you have very good reason and you’re looking out for your kids. If your sister (&/or your family) wants you to take her baby in, perhaps there’s a small chance that she would consider adoption.

OP responded:

I don't think the other members in my family still call because my sister is hard to deal with, you can't help someone that doesn't want her is what they took to heart. My sister has done bad things to people so I understand why they stay away from her. I don't even know what my sister says is true, I don't have enough evidence to say. She is a huge liar and would lie just to get something.

DecadentLife wrote:

Doesn’t that make it so much harder, knowing that you can’t even trust what you’re hearing from her? I don’t doubt that she’s highly manipulative. I am so sorry for your own private pain, regarding what her husband did to you. I would never, ever trust someone like that, again. It’s sickening.

If she was capable of her behavior surrounding that event, I’m sure she’s done a lot to burn other bridges within the family, too. The info you have shared about your nephews, and their inappropriately s*xualized behavior is very sad. Someone has hurt them. I feel terrible for them. But you are absolutely right to look out for your own children, that is your priority.

OP responded:

It does make it harder because one time she lied about having cancer on Gofundme, she raised 5,000 dollars but it was shut down when one of my family members found out about it and posted it on Facebook saying that my sister was lying.

She lies about the most disgusting thing, that's why I don't know what she said is true. I don't know if the boys were abu*ed but if they were I hope my sister owns up and helps her kids because she is ruining their future.

facforlife wrote:

I was an attorney at a public defender's office for a bit. Worked in the juvenile division. People have no f#$king clue how bad it needs to get for CPS to start actually doing s#$t and holding parents accountable. I saw dr*g addicted parents being given so many chances because at least in my state there was just so much deference given to biological parents and the child-parent bond.

EL-Kabongg wrote:

Idiocracy was a documentary, not satire. Honestly, I feel for those kids who grew up in an environment that was so crazy, it warped their minds completely and probably permanently. Your FIRST AND ONLY priority (and I'm glad you're taking this position) is protecting yourself and your children. You owe your sister LESS than nothing.

Dont-Blame-Me333 wrote:

You can't save your sister's kids when she refuses to do anything different. Apart from the risk to your daughters, there is also the risk she & her kids will steal anything not nailed down. If you have family giving her your contact details, go nc with them too. NTA protect your own, sis has broken that for herself & her kids.

Hungry-Composer644 wrote:

I don’t subscribe to the “blood is blood” “family is family” “family comes first,” blah blah blah. There are far too many “chosen” families in this world for that philosophy to have credibility. Never do anything you don’t want to do for anyone who treats you like s**t just because you share DNA.

Certainly not something as monumental as taking in several troubled — and possibly ab*sive — children — when you already have kids of your own. And it sounds like even if you gave needed items and essentials to the kids rather than giving cash to your sister, she’d just confiscate the items and sell them to support her lifestyle.

You owe her nothing, truly, and I’m glad to see you’re not entertaining the suggestions you adopt her baby, if there really is one coming. Reading your posts, it seems like you’re handling this just as you should.

It seems like OP is simply doing what she needs to do in order to keep her and her daughters safe.