'AITA for telling my sister’s boyfriend to not propose to her?'
"AITA for telling my sister’s boyfriend to not propose to her?"
New_Yogurt7297
I (28F) have a fraternal twin sister who is dating my fiancé’s (34M) younger brother (29M). My fiancé and I are getting married in September. My sister has made several comments about how awful my new last name will be.
She has also said similar things throughout her relationship. She told me that should could never marry her boyfriend because she just can’t have this last name. I told her that she doesn’t have to take his last name.
There are plenty of women who keep their maiden name when they get married for various reasons. She disagrees and said that she doesn’t want to keep our maiden name, she wants to have a traditional marriage where she takes her husband’s last name.
Last weekend she went with me to buy clothes for my honeymoon. While we were out I asked her what if her boyfriend proposed to her? They’ve been dating for 3 years now and my fiancé told me that his brother was looking at engagement rings.
I didn’t tell her this but simply brought it up in regular conversation since we were shopping for my honeymoon outfits and she kept saying “I can’t wait to try on wedding dresses one day” and the like.
She told me she would say “only if you change your last name.” I told her that was really selfish of her to give an ultimatum like that to someone who loved her and wanted to marry her. She rolled her eyes at me.
So I said “seriously, would you really turn him down because of his last name?” And she firmly said “yes, I just can’t have that name.” So I asked why she was even with him knowing it won’t lead to marriage and she replied “I don’t know”. I just dropped it.
Yesterday, her boyfriend came over to hang out with my fiancé and pulled up photos of rings to ask my opinion on which one my sister would like. I told him the truth. She won’t marry him. That she will say no if he asks because of his last name. He asked me if she told me this and I told him yes.
He broke up with her today. He didn’t tell her why but my sister knows it was because of me. Now my aunt and uncle (who raised us) are upset with me and said that it’s going to be really uncomfortable at my wedding for everyone. But, wouldn’t it still have been if he asked and she said no? Should I have just let it play out?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
fallingintopolkadots
So I said “seriously, would you really turn him down because of his last name?” And she firmly said “yes, I just can’t have that name.”
Oof. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't think there really a way to win in this scenario. Especially if he was hoping to buy the ring and propose before your wedding. Maybe if you could have persuaded him to wait until after the wedding... but then he still may have wanted to go ahead and buy the ring.
I guess it's better for him to know that she wouldn't marry him because of his last name (damn... she's petty. And clearly doesn't love him that much) before he drops a pretty penny on a nice ring.
Whether they broke up now, or when he proposed and said "no" (especially if before your wedding), your wedding would always be awkward. Sorry for the drama that's happening now, and that the taint of drama that will consume the lives of being married to her ex and them always being attached. Oy. NTA.
TheSecondEikonOfFire
I seriously can’t imagine being willing to throw away an entire person over a god damn name. Like sure, some last names are goofy and it would kind of suck to be stuck with one, but that just seems so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
I would have done the same thing as him and dumped her, because it means two things: one is that you know the relationship has an expiration date, but two is that you now know how shallow she is.
Trespassingw
NTA. It's not about last name. It's about disrespect. She does not accept him as a person, but like a cartoon character judging him by his last name. IDK, it could be also genuine childish idiotism, which is not better. I hate such statements behind person's back, he deserves to know.
namesaremptynoise
I'm gonna go with ESH. Your sister's being pretty petty about this, and clearly she never talked to him about it, which means either she was lying to you about this for some reason, or she was leading him on. - AH
On the other hand, it was absolutely not your place to just flat out tell him not to propose to her and then repeat something your sister had told you like that. Whether this was petty or not and she was leading him or on or not, she said that to you in confidence and you just popped out with it the second he started showing you a ring.
The right thing to do would've been to tell him he should talk to her about this and see where her head's at in regards to marriage rather than just straight up ambushing her with the ring, and then let her work the situation out for herself. You made a decisive move to insert yourself into their relationship, and it resulted in the relationship ending. - AH
WTF did I just read? She wants to be traditional and take her husband's last name but only if he changes his last name to something she prefers? This has to be the most illogical thing I've read today. NTA if this is true, which I seriously doubt.