'AITA for telling my son not to invite my wife to his graduation? It's more important his mom is there.'
"AITA for telling my son not to invite my wife to his graduation?"
I (36m) have a son (17m) that is graduating high school this year. His mom and I spit up when he was young, and I got married to my now wife (37f) a few years ago. His mom doesn't live super closed, so my son mostly stays with me, but he'll call her a few times a week and go over to her house on long weekends.
My son wanted to invite me, my wife, his mom, and his brother (19m) to his graduation, but each student only gets up to 3 tickets. My son tried asking if he could get one more, but they told him that since the school auditorium wasn't very big, they wouldn't have enough seating if they gave students extra tickets.
They did tell him that the school usually does a raffle for extra tickets if they have any open spots, but the tickets aren't guaranteed. My son talked to me about it, and said he didn't know what to do because he wanted both his mom and my wife to be there.
He said that he could just invite my wife if it was easier, and celebrate with his mom separately. I know that my son is still close with his mom even though he doesn't see her as often anymore, so I told him that unless there was a specific reason he didn't want her there, he should probably invite his mom first, and put his name in for the raffle to try and get one for my wife.
He seemed happy with this idea, and called his mom to tell her. Earlier today, my wife was asking my son about the graduation, and he told told her that he didn't have enough tickets for everyone, but was trying to get an extra one for her.
She asked who he had given the tickets to and he said me, his brother, and his mom. She seemed a bit surprised but didn't say anything else. Later she said if I could ask my son to give the ticket to her instead of his mom, and I told her no because it was his choice, and he had already told his mom.
She said she didn't understand why he would give it to his mom when he doesn't even see her that often, and that he should have just given it to her. I told her that I told him to invite his mom, and even if he doesn't see her as often it doesn't mean that his mom doesn't matter to him. She got upset and asked why I would tell him that, and wouldn't I rather spend the day with her instead of my ex.
I said that it didn't matter what I though because my son is really close with his mom, and just because I've had issues with her doesn't mean that he does too. Now my wife is mad at me, and accused me of just wanting to see my ex. I do want my wife to come to the graduation, but I think that it's more important that my son has his mom there. AITA?
The internet had a lot of thoughts to share in response.
QueenHelloKitty wrote:
Info: does the 19yr old want to go? Some siblings care, others don't.
OP responded:
Yes, I'm pretty sure he does. They're really close, and he was happy when my son asked him. He moved for university, but he's planning to fly back for the graduation.
IndependentMindedGal wrote:
YTA. You suggested a solution to your son, but then put it on him to explain “his” solution to your wife. That was your job, and should have been done long before your 17 YO had to take the heat.
What planet your wife is on, thinking she comes before his own mother, is anyone’s guess. But doesn’t sound like son didn’t expect it.
Next time, please have your son’s back.
OP responded:
I was planning on talking to her later tonight. I would have spoken up when she had asked my son, but I had just gotten home from work when they were taking about it and had only caught the end of the conversation. My son told me the rest after.
spring13 wrote:
ESH. Having your son's mother be at his graduation is the right thing, even if you've had issues with her yourself. It's her son and if he's close with her and wants her there, then that's what to do.
But you should have talked to your wife about it and explained that your son was forced to make a decision that he didn't want to have to make, instead of waiting and letting her find out like that.
The fact that you essentially kept it a secret makes it sound shady even though it wasn't. She's overreacting by claiming that you're trying to spend time with your ex, but you likely could have prevented the drama by being honest about the situation to begin with.
OP responded:
Yes, I realized I should have talked to her about it, but I wanted to wait until my son for sure chose his mom. He called his mom yesterday so I was planning to talk to her tonight, but she had already asked by then.
MamaH1620 wrote:
Most definitely NTA.
"She got upset and asked why I would tell him that, and wouldn't I rather spend the day with her instead of my ex."
Your son’s graduation isn’t about you or your wife or your ex. It’s about your son, and his actual parents (assuming they’re both involved in his life & it sounds like you both are) should get to see this milestone happen. Your wife is being incredibly insecure here; it’s not a contest to see who looks more important to your son. She should be ashamed for making his big moment about her instead of him.
Goodwin7889 wrote:
NTA, your wife is asking your son to do the “pick me”. It’s his Mother, she’s still in his life. If the roles were reversed and he was living with his Mom and a Stepfather would you be okay not being invited to the graduation so the Stepfather could go instead?
Your wife is making this about her. It’s not your son’s fault there are only 3 tickets and he shouldn’t be made to feel guilty. Please talk to your wife and ask her to try to focus on your son and his day.