'AITA for telling my stepfamily they're not my real family? They're so loud and chaotic.'

"AITA for telling my stepfamily they are not my real family?"

I/27f have 3 stepsisters-Jen/33, Kate/31 and Anne/30. My dad Chris married their mom Pam when I was nine and adopted them.

I have never felt close to that part of the family-they are all extroverts, and I honestly always hated staying with them and the chaos of a full house. I'm more of a homebody and like to be with my circle of people. My parents' custody arrangement was me with my mom all year except summer and alternating school breaks.

My dad tried his best, but I never meshed in their lives. My mom died in 2020 and in the last few years I have worked to be closer to my dad and we pretty much talk at least once a week and I try to visit them so he can be in my kids' lives. My dad and Pam recently decided to update their joint will and make Jen their POA. They decided to split everything four ways.

My dad owns the house next to what was my grandparents' house, and after they both past, he inherited their home, so its basically two homes on 1/2-ish acre of land. Currently Kate is living in my grandparents' old house with her kids. When he told me that I would get 1/4 ownership of the houses and land, I told him I would rather be bought out so I wouldn't be tied to the house or the sisters.

My husband and I are much closer to his parents and are set to inherit his parent's home, and they live in our preferred area. My dad asked me why I didn't want part of my family's history. I told him that after he was gone, my husband and kids would be my only immediate family and I probably wouldn't be maintaining a relationship with them.

He tried to comfort me and told me I had Pam and her girls as part of my family. I told him they didn't count because they aren't my real family. I didn't know he had me on the car speaker, so Pam heard me. Pam got upset and told one of her daughters who told the other two and now they are all upset.

They were literally calling and messaging me non-stop so I had to block them and are now posting subliminal messages about me on social media. I have other family members reaching out pressuring me to reconcile with them. My dad is pretty much taking their side and we haven't spoken in a week and a half.

My husband is insisting I should keep the peace and just apologize and do what I want later. But I'm of the mindset of the truth hurts but at least I'm being honest. If I knew Pam would be hearing me, I wouldn't have been so blatant but I don't think I'm wrong by expressing myself. Am I being TA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

SalesTaxBlackCat wrote:

NTA. Your dad and stepmom didn’t think this through. Sharing property with stepsisters sounds like hell on earth - you’d be outnumbered in every decision. That’s not fair to you.

Vast-Ant-9699 wrote:

Why would OP want to own part of 2 homes that the step sisters she is not close 2 are living in? Your feelings on seeing people as family or not is only something you can decide. Does it suck your step mom heard you say it...yes. NTA unless you knew she was listening and said it on purpose. If you didn't know she was there they can't fault you for your feelings.

Your dad got remarried and brought step mom and sisters into your life you had no choice on that . You didn't live with them or see them super frequently so a relationship didn't form. Also your step mom and dad are kind of jerks because why would they tell the step sisters unless they wanted to hurt them and drag them into the discussion.

It seems like the relationship was fine and surface level which could have likely remained that way if this didn't blow up. You can apologize for hurting their feelings if you want to but honestly apologizing isn't really going to change how you feel about them in the end it's kind of setting them up to get hurt again when your dad passes.

Slightlysanemomof5 wrote:

Your father married Pam and her daughters and they became a family and included you. That doesn’t mean you signed up to join this family, it also means though in name they are family and that might be all. Your father has an emotional connection to step mom and sisters but that doesn’t mean you also have a connection.

Though I have trouble believing that no one noticed you really didn’t fit into the family and are surprised you are emotionally invested with step mom and sisters. You don’t owe anyone an apology for your feelings, and it’s really not your fault you had a private conversation and were on speaker phone.

You might say you are sorry their feelings are hurt but there is nothing emotional connection. Professing to try to accept them sees unfair to you and cruel. Just go LC and live as you have been living. NAH.

jajbliss wrote:

NTA. You are not required to adopt your father's wife and her children as your family however your dad is a massive AH though. He should have had that conversation about his will privately or at least told you that the phone was on speaker.

Outrageous-Ad-9635 wrote:

Not being told when you’re on speaker is a real pet peeve of mine, and your dad’s a giant AH for not telling you that. This situation is exactly why those rules of etiquette exist! But you’re NTA for speaking your truth.

Sure, that truth might have hurt for others to hear, but you didn’t intend them to, and they wouldn’t have if your father had applied basic etiquette and common courtesy. It’s not on you to keep the peace here. You’re not the one who acted badly.