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'AITA for telling my husband's whole family that we can't have kids because he's infertile?' UPDATED

'AITA for telling my husband's whole family that we can't have kids because he's infertile?' UPDATED


"AITA for embarrassing my husband?"

so I (32f) and my husband (35m) have been together for eight years, married for six. My husband has always talked about having kids. We decided we were ready last year. After months of stress and no results, we went to a doctor and found out my husband is infertile. He's always deeply wanted to be a dad so this was a big deal to him. We took a few months to process - and he grieved the loss, understandably so.

To my surprise, he suggested we go to a sperm bank. I was a little unsure if trying so soon would be a good idea, but he insisted that neither of us are getting younger - and he was completely okay with things. He's always been pretty blunt with his feelings, good or bad, so I thought it was alright. At first, it was.

Then we started looking through the book at the descriptions of the donors, and all of a sudden my husband's attitude changed. He demanded to see some samples of sperm from shorter men, because "it's a man thing" and he apparently wouldn't be able to love "someone else's son" that's taller than him, living in “his” house. I stopped the appointment, and we got into a terrible fight on the way home.

He apologized saying he was just emotional realizing it wouldn't really be his son. That the book made it seem real. We agreed to tentatively start the process again - but throughout the week he made comments about how "I might as well just cheat on him" and snide remarks about how my boss would be happy to "put a baby in me" if I asked.

He even got jealous of my BROTHER IN LAW, and made a very rude comment to him and my sister about how we could swap for a night and "all get what we wanted ''. I shut the entire thing down after that, saying I didn't want to have kids with him when he was acting like this, maybe never after that.

With obligations to visit his family for a birthday dinner, we did. It was an alright, if slightly cold evening, until his mother asked me to get him and a few others back inside. I wasn't surprised to find them complaining about me, but the subject matter shocked me. He'd told them our recent marital problems were because I was infertile, due to my "age".

I listened as he told his brother, on and on about how he "just wasn't sure if I was worth the effort" and "maybe he should try to find someone younger while he still could." They joked about the women he could be sleeping with. It was crass, insulting and deeply embarrassing. It also wasn't true.

I was livid. I went back inside and grabbed the car keys, and when asked why I was crying, I told everyone in the room, all adults, the truth. I left him there and ignored his calls.

When he finally came home, we had the biggest argument of our lives about how I shared such a big insecurity and shamed him to his family. That his mother cried. I'm currently staying with my sister, and I think our marriage may be irreparable. He says I humiliated him, and I know that I did. But he was perfectly fine lying to humiliate me and claiming he wanted to leave me. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

lizzyote said:

She embarrassed him? He could have avoided that by not trashing his wife and lying about their situation, or my favorite, openly lusting after the sister. Dude embarrassed himself.

digitydigitydoo said:

As soon as she got to the wife-swapping with the sister and BIL so they could “all get what we wanted,” I thought, I wonder how long he’s wanted to screw his SIL.

ThatNeonSignLover said:

OOP, can you divorce this man twice?

dogninja8 said:

Woooooooowwwwwww, screw that dude. I'm glad that OOP said that she's looking for a divorce lawyer.

saltyburnt said:

glad the dude can't reproduce if this is how he treats his spouse.

And throwawaygremlins said:

I wanna know if STBX husband’s family believed OOP about him being infertile, as he was lying to all of them! What an ass… dang, she wasted 8 years w this guy…

Verdict: A resounding NTA.

She later shared this update:

Not 100% sure how this update thing works - or if any of you will see this. But I'm kind of overwhelmed by the response this got. To address some recurring remarks - my sister is actually older than me, but, in response to this post - she did share with me a few instances in which my husband made her uncomfortable. I'm floored.If you'd told me a year ago that this is where I'd be - I wouldn't have believed it.

Out of love and respect for someone I've spent almost a decade with, I won't go into deep specifics. But I can reflect on the past few months and see a lot of signs of emotional abuse, and perhaps even though I don't want to admit it, before then.

For everyone suggesting couple's counseling - I appreciate it. I'm just not sure I'll ever be able to forgive someone who's embarassed me, and more importantly, made my sister feel unsafe. I contacted a divorce attorney today.

Sources: Reddit
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