I (36) and my wife (28) have been trying hard for a baby and finally got lucky with one. Although now that she is pregnant it seems like she is using it to her advantage. She recently adopted a cat (which I'm allergic too) and said “think of the baby” or “the baby needs a buddy” I gave in but kept my distance around the cat.
Whenever I ask her to help with some chores around the house she always said she can't because of the baby. I tried communicating to her that I don’t want the baby to be an excuse for everything, she began to yell at me screaming saying I have no idea what it’s like to be pregnant and to get over it. It hurt me I will admit. I stayed quiet and did everything she asked.
I needed a break no doubt, I had cleaned the house everyday, went to work, took care of the cat she wanted while she quit her job and stayed home doing nothing but watching tv and ate. I did her makeup for her like she asked, rubbed her feet, massaged her but it never seemed to be enough.
One day I asked her if I could just go hang out with my friends for a bit and she got mad and started screaming at me saying that she needed me here. What about the baby? I was so tired and fed up that I told her to stop using her pregnancy as an excuse to get away with things. I cared about the baby, but I will not stand for this. She called me an AH and I walked out. AITA?
Waxinghalfmoon wrote:
It’s an odd choice to adopt a cat during pregnancy. Tox-plasmosis, which lives in cat poop, is pretty much only a risk for healthy people if it is contracted while a woman is pregnant. (Not usually a problem if it is contracted prior to pregnancy or after.) That is why pregnant women are advised to not scoop litterboxes for the duration of their pregnancies. NTA, her choices don’t make sense.
OP responded:
Thanks for informing me of this! Definitely going to get rid of the cat though.
[deleted] wrote:
First off NTA and secondly.
"I did her makeup for her like she asked."
Bro...she's pregnant not disabled. Now if she was 8-9mo that is a different story in regards to pampering and house chores, but make up. Get ready for a long ride my dude.
OP responded:
Already prepared. The only thing about it was she acts like it’s a high risk pregnancy that she can’t do anything, she isn’t though and is 6 months pregnant. Not to mention that our finances have been going more to her than the actual baby.
True-Mousee4597 wrote:
NTA. If she is healthy and not high-risk, there's not much she really can't do. She is using this as a manipulation tactic.
OP responded:
Luckily, she is not high risk. I don’t know what I would do if she was.
[deleted] wrote:
NTA. Unless the Dr says otherwise she doesn't need to change her normal routine. For example, if she used to run every day before getting pregnant its actually recommended she keep doing that (unless complications arise, again that's why you see the Dr regularly).
Getting a pet your allergic to is a hard NO. Unfortunately the cat will need to be rehomed, and you should stand firm in your boundaries with that one "The cat goes, or I go". It was incredibly disrespectful of her to do that.
Also, you're still allowed your own time. As is she. It will be important when baby comes that you two still make time for yourselves and for eachother. Baby is important, but you have to take care of yourselves and your relationship too. Can't help baby if you haven't helped yourselves first.
bmyst70 wrote:
NTA. The first thing --- adopting a cat that you're allergic to --- is a huge red flag already. From the long list of things, it seems she's absolutely the AH here. How is her makeup related to caring for the baby, for example? Definitely go spend time with your friends. And honestly I'd seriously consider divorcing your wife, if she's being this controlling.
anoncommenter wrote:
Is your post even real dude? Why did she quit her job? Why would you need to do everything? I can’t believe you did her makeup and all that after it too. This can’t be real.
OP responded:
I’m not sure why she quit her job, but I can assure you that the post is real. If you don’t believe me that’s fine too. But the reason why I feel I need to do all of this stuff is because she’s pregnant. All I ever wanted to do really was to make her happy and make her comfortable during this time. I don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant. Nor have I ever really been around people who were pregnant.
It was a completely new area for me. Since she was the one who is going through all of this, I just went by what she said. I trusted her and what she told me. But overtime it became more difficult, more demanding. And overall couldn’t be happy. I am luckily seeking a personal therapist now and I have a an appointment in a week."
I recently talked to my wife about couples marriage and personal therapy. She agreed that personal therapy was a must, as I apparently been having all the issues in this relationship since she got pregnant. Although she said that couple therapy was not something she wanted to do.
When I ask her reasoning, for this, she simply replied by saying “Too much stress for me and the baby, why are you making this such a big deal?” When I simply tried explaining how other mom’s suggested it being good and healthy she blew up on me again saying “why are you talking to other girls? Do you not trust me?”
I am not sure how the conversation went immediately to that. I was adamant about the couples therapy as I wanted to see our child grow up together and didn’t want our relationship to fail.
To this she responded “I’m afraid our relationship is too far from saving” I’m completely devastated about how the conversation played out. I’m not sure what to do but she barricaded the bedroom door and I’m forced to sleep on the couch. I called my friend to stay the night at his place and hopefully things will change in the morning. I’m sorry this didn’t go the way we all hoped for.
Mochaluvr1 wrote:
OP- I'm sorry about this. But please continue to pursue therapy for yourself, use your friends as a support, and consider seeing a lawyer to get some advice. Your wife escalated this to maintain control.
OP responded:
Thanks, will do.
Status-Pattern7539 wrote:
You stop doing everything she asks. You take time for you. You can stay with a friend and consult a divorce lawyer and stay strong when she comes crawling back when she realises she can’t fund her lavish lifestyle with no job and won’t have time to enjoy a stress free lifestyle as a parent.
When speaking to the divorce lawyer ask about custody arrangements and the house, sort it out before baby is born or it will be impossible to get anything (house wise) fairly while there is a newborn there.
You get on top of this, and speak to friends and family about how you aren’t allowed to do XYZ and do all chores and housework. Tell them you are being abused and ask for their support. Just fyi- this could also be a tactic to scare you into forgetting about couples counseling, and begging for her forgiveness so she can continue to mistreat you.
OP responded:
I’ll definitely consult into adult divorce lawyer but honestly I do feel very guilty for what I did I said, I felt as though I've been gaslit. She kept trying to turn the whole subject around, basically blaming me that this was my fault. That I didn’t do enough or I should behave better. I don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant.
I never been around pregnancy and I hate using an excuse. But I honestly have no idea what I’m doing or what I could do better. All of this is the first time and I figured since she was going through it, she would be the most helpful person. Although turns out it was the complete opposite.
OverDramaticAngel wrote:
Honestly, I would really be very, very cautious about couples counseling right now because doing it with an ab-ser (and she is currently being ab-sive) tends to just make things worse. Focus on individual counseling.
My wife’s sister went to talk to her and she got back to me, apparently my wife wasn’t acting like her normal self. They way she described my wife was paranoid, upset easily and speaking nonsense. I don’t quite understand but her sister told me that we should definitely speak to the doctor about it. I’m afraid and fear the worse.
I asked if I should come over, she said that might not be the best plan and she will take a week off of work to help take care of her sister if anything was to happen. That she doesn’t seem able to take care of herself. I agreed it would be the best course of action for right now. I’m not sure what to do now. I’ve never been through this before. Any help?
psipolnista wrote:
You need to get in contact with a doctor before she becomes a risk to herself or the baby. Call the damn paramedics if you need to if she becomes completely resistant to speaking with medical professionals.
In DMs I mentioned how she might be suffering from a prenatal form of PPD/PPA and I know you can’t get in contact with her OB but any doctor you speak to will be able to contact them for you if you know their name. There’s nothing more you can do but get her help.
OP responded:
I’ll definitely see if her sister can help me get in contact! Since she is there, I’ll ask her to send me contact information and I’ll call them immediately.
Felice60 wrote:
Hi. I’m so sorry that pregnancy for both of you is not what either of you envisioned. I will tell you that it is very, very important that you get her to her obstetrician soon as you can and go with her. Your wife cannot be relied upon, and maybe isn’t capable of, describing the changes in personality that you have observed.
Her sister should probably be present, if possible, or brought in by conference call or separate communication with the doctor before the appointment. Why? Because serious mental health problems including perinatal psychosis (rare, but it happens) can emerge during a pregnancy. In the case of psychosis, it’s called perinatal psychosis. If these problems occur, they endanger both wife and child.
Physicians can be dismissive about women’s health in general, especially chalking symptoms of pregnant women (or women who have delivered a baby) to pregnancy hormones or the stress of being a new mother. Your wife and baby may need you to be their advocate by insisting that what you observed is given serious attention and relevant evaluations - including by a psychiatrist - are considered.
Be careful of internet information. Lots of uninformed junk and lies out there. Go to sites like medical journals on sites for professional organizations like JAMA, NIH, NIMH, APA or reputable hospital sites like Mayo Clinic or Johns Hopkins.
Good luck to you both.
CoffeeHobgoblin wrote:
I agree that it's a good thing your wife's sister is able to help her. If your wife is resistant to medical help, let her know that her getting help is the best thing for the baby. Mom's mental health struggles not being regulated can have an effect on growing baby.
I know a lot of women are nervous to take medication if they need it, but the risks are greater to baby if you don't. As long as the medication is safe to take during pregnancy, if that's a step that's needed, then it's the best choice. I hope things get better!
So I will keep this short but straight to the point. My wife went to the doctors and she has something call Postpartum Psychosis. I got the information from my sister in law. I’ve been doing my research about it as I know little about this diagnosis, I’ve came to ask for reliable sources and what to do, how can I help her?
Any help is appreciated. Whether you’ve been through it, have experience, or just know anything about it. I thought postpartum happened after pregnancy but this is a whole new concept.
Cesa-BUTTERFLY12 wrote:
I'm not a doctor, but I know sometimes pregnancy can induce/"activate" underlying mental illness symptoms. How you can help is to keep up on research.
Make sure she is still seeing doctors about it, cause it is a medical emergency and anti-psychotics in pregnancy can be iffy due to withdrawal symptoms in baby (2nd generation isn't too bad, latuda is a gentle one that I used to take). Also, give support in written form.
If she doesn't want contact, write a letter for your sister in law to hold onto until your wife is ready to hear from you. You should probably also, if you haven't already, consult a lawyer about potential custody issues if her psychosis becomes extra dangerous after the baby is born. Just a thought and totally not something to jump on right away if you're uncomfortable with that idea.
[deleted] wrote:
To add, please start building a support network because this likely won’t be resolved once the baby is born. Her postpartum depression (PPD) may be especially severe. Have a meeting with y’all’s family and closest friends and come up with a game plan of support for after the baby arrives.
Come up with some standard procedures in case Emergencies A, B, or C occur and make sure everyone is on the same page, whether this means a sister coming in to relieve the husband or a caretaker coming in to care for the baby while family ensures wife’s safety/well-being. Talk to her doctors about resources as well. Also, please read as much as you can about pregnancy and the first year of parenting.
Read about postpartum depression and psychosis. You’re going to be the captain navigating this ship to calmer seas so you must be prepared for anything. Talk to your work about taking time off and see what resources are available to you. Discuss FMLA, borrowing leave, etc. Save as much money as you can.
The baby barely needs anything new and fresh out of the box beyond a car seat. Save some money by getting second-hand products. Ask members of your family if they can do the shopping so you’re free to focus on other things. If you’re part of a church or other community, they can also help.
And please don’t burn the candle at both ends. You need space, you need a chance to breathe, you need your friends, a break, a beer even. Best of luck, and please don’t hesitate to turn here when you need it. There are a bunch of family/dad/baby/PPD/etc subreddits that you should utilize.
According to a lot of comments and chat messages I received it’s actually called pre-partum psychosis which I am very grateful for the correct term. As I was never really in the doctors office when this was spoken I was just referring to everything that my SIL told me. Thankfully, I have the correct term which I’m going to be doing even more studying about this diagnosis.
Thank you all for your support, help sources etc. etc. I also realize that I have a lot of typos which makes my story seem a little unbelievable. Which is true I don’t blame you. In all honesty. I never proofread so I’m going to have a lot of typos.
If you also see some lettering space together, that’s because I was trying to save as much space as possible to write, as I am only limited to a certain amount. Not to mention, because some of them are space together, and create a new word. So I do apologize in advance. And I do thank everybody who has been helping me.
Plastic-Jelly6627 wrote:
Maybe you should apologize to the internet and your wife for making everyone believe she was this huge AH.
Arquen-Marille responded:
It may seem he did that, but he wasn’t doing it on purpose because he had no idea this was far beyond normal. He was only describing what was happening. He doesn’t need to apologize to anyone.
OP responded:
Hello! I was just curious, and it wasn’t my intent, but could you possibly explain on how I made people believe she was TA? Thank you.
Arquen-Marille responded:
Your very first post can come across that way to some, but it’s obvious you weren’t doing that on purpose, simply explaining what was happening. Don’t worry about it. Focus on your wife.
Reign-Morningstar wrote:
I had peripartum psychosis my S/O noticed changes but thought it was just hormones & still fighting my depression. 2 times I tried to off myself. The 1st, they thought it was just my medications, making me act this way. So they changed it, but I got worse lashing out verbally & physically. My S/O would have to hold me down until I calmed down.
The second time, I tried my neighbors to get to me in time. I ended up diagnosed with peripartum psychosis. I spent a week inpatient and had three therapy sessions a week throughout my pregnancy, sometimes more depending if I was having a harder day. Don't give up. I know you guys can get through it.
It’s over, officially over. We got a divorce and I would like to say how incredibly grateful I am for everything. The divorce and custody was a huge pain but we got through it. I so desperately wanted everything to work out for the best but there was too much damage and wreckage. Lots of stress and fighting.
I will do whatever I can as a father to protect and raise my baby. Thank you everyone who has been with me throughout this journey and I’m grateful to say, I’m in a happier place.
Initial-Plaintain5943 wrote:
I'm glad you are happier and have more peace in your life. You will be an excellent dad. I hope you have full custody.
feelinggross99 wrote:
All the other crazy stuff aside, getting a cat while pregnant (and partner having allergies) was a huge red flag to me. My OB immediately warned me about tox-plasmosis and told my ex that he had to take over the litter changes. I know there's probably a ton of women who have to because they don't have a choice.
But to get a new cat while pregnant? Knowing your partner can't help you?
I'm glad OP and baby are safe. I do wonder how often she was getting OB checks though, and how often he was going with her if at all. I feel really sorry for the ex.
CatmoCatmo wrote:
Man. I wish he elaborated on what happened. To go from crazy hormones - to peri-partum-psychosis - to hopefully getting her help - to BOOM a baby and divorce. I had peripartum depression and postpartum anxiety with both of my kids. We didn’t understand what was happening when the peripartum depression was happening with my first. But once the PPA reared its ugly head, the pieces fit together.
We had a handle on it for our second and were able to stay ahead of it. Totally different situations. I know my peripartum depression wasn’t easy on my husband. But what’s most unsettling is that I had no idea it was happening. I was a totally different person and didn’t know it. That is scary. I can’t imagine what peripartum psychosis was like for either of them.
When I told people I had peripartum depression, every single person had no idea it was even a thing. No one ever heard of it. There isn’t enough education for partners/family about these things. Symptoms have a wild range making it hard to pin down. Everyone has an idea based on media, but it almost never happens like that. She’s only a year out and likely still dealing with postpartum depression.
I wonder what will happen when the hormones completely calm down. Will she go back to her normal self? Will she regret everything? Either way, I’m glad OP prioritized himself. One can only take so much before they break. I feel for the dude and I sincerely hope there are brighter days ahead for him and his daughter.
mischievouslyacat wrote:
I wonder what is up with the wife, almost sounds implied he got main custody but it's too vague.