'AITA for telling my wife that she should stop constantly expecting appreciation for being a SAHM?'

"AITA for telling my wife that she should stop constantly expecting appreciation and just get on with her job of being a SAHM?"

I (36M) work full time and my wife (32F) is a SAHM looking after our 2 year old twins. When we got married, we both agreed that my wife would be a SAHM, especially since we don't have any family/grandparents nearby. We were both in agreement and my wife made it clear she wanted to enjoy seeing our kids grow up (we don't plan on having any more).

I make a good wage so we are comfortable. I don't give my wife any spending limits (obviously we discuss big purchases) so she is free to buy herself things, I make sure she has access to money and she takes care of everything around the house.

I work from home and a typical day for me is 7am - 5pm. Once I finish work, I go and spend time with the twins while my wife makes dinner. We put them to bed together and my wife usually clears up in the kitchen. She is great at her job and the house is spotless. I am happy with this arrangement and I thought my wife was too.

Recently, she has been coming to me and saying that she feels burned out, unappreciated and taken for granted. I asked if I could do anything to help and she said that it would be nice if I did something now and again to show that I appreciated her. E.g. buying her favourite bar of chocolate when I go to the shop or something small, just as a gesture of appreciation.

I'll admit that I didn't do this, purely because I am not in the habit to be honest. We recently had a massive argument because my wife got completely fed up with being "treated like a servant". She basically said that her working hours are 5am - 9pm, 7 days a week and that she feels like I take her for granted. I told her that I understand it's a tough job but we both get on with our respective roles.

I never ask her to thank me for making money, I think that's cringeworthy. I get on with my job because I have to provide for my family whereas she wants presents and treats for doing her job.

I essentially said this to her and now I'm wondering if I am the a$$h@le - looking after kids and the house is tiring and she does work hard and takes care of everything. But at the same time, do I need to thank her on bended knee and buy her things just for doing her job? AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

YTA. Jesus Christ, it's really too much to ask to occasionally buy your wife a bar of chocolate or say "thank you"? It sounds like she is working harder than you, but that isn't even the point. Appreciating her and showing her you love her is part of being a decent husband. If you're a robot who doesn't need appreciation, that doesn't mean she has to be too.

rak1882 said:

YTA It's amazing- it's like your wife wants to treated like a wife and partner, instead of an incubator/nanny/housekeeper. Your wife is telling explicitly what she needs- she needs you to show her that she's appreciated. You are told- in a variety of ways at your job- that you are appreciated, I have no doubt. Your wife expecting that low bar to be met is reasonable.

woman_thorned said:

to note: nannies and housekeepers get told thank you and get bought special recognition rewards at times. literally everyone gets thank yous. OP gets shown and shows gratitude at work daily. he is treating his wife worse than he treats his most hated coworker. everyone deserves recognition and appreciation.

big_dickslap said:

YTA: correction her hours are not 5am-9pm her hours are 24/7. You don’t get a break from being a mom and you seem not to realize how exhausting it actually is. As a SAHM myself, let me tell you something, a lack of appreciation= a lack of intimacy. I pack my SOs lunch, I get a thank you, he sees me doing laundry or dishes he says thank you. Is it every single time?

No, but it’s enough that I know hey he actually does appreciate what I do for him. And guess what? When I feel appreciated and cared for it makes me want to do more for him…

Why can’t you run her a hot bubble bath? Why can’t you get her a snack or flowers? Why can’t you do the dishes or cook every once in a while? She keeps that house spotless so when you come home you can relax and not lift a finger. When does she get a break? Does she ever get to sleep in? Does she get even an hour alone a day?

rorank said:

Yikes. You’re gonna get ripped apart for this. And I’m gonna contribute to that. First of all, why is it such a bad thing to appreciate your wife? She’s not asking for you to do anything that would take more than 10 extra minutes for you. Why are you married to someone that you’re so against going out of your way for? Moving on, it seems like you’re looking at this exceptionally defensively.

She’s not telling you that you’re a terrible husband and father for not appreciating her. She’s asking for you to do something small for her once in a while. The only reason this is a problem is because you think that you shouldn’t have to go the extra mile for her. I’d ask again, why would you marry someone who you would not go the extra mile for? YTA.

And Proud_World_6241 said:

You get praise and appreciation at work. You always get more than money. Your wife doesn’t. She’s telling you what she needs, doesn’t sound like it would cost you much effort to make her feel appreciated. Why won’t you put that effort in? YTA

Verdict: A resounding YTA.

Edit from OP:

Ok, you can all stop tearing me a new a$$hole. I get it. I do get to relax at the weekend whereas my wife usually does her normal routine and gets on top of the cleaning etc. Just for the record, I do thank her for everything she does - I say thank you all the time but I understand that this may not be her love language.

Hopefully he learned something.