"AITA for making my brother live in his own filth?"
My brothers are all pigs. We had a very traditional house where girls cleaned and washed dishes from the time, we were old enough to walk and stand on chairs and my brothers never did anything and as adults cannot even turn a washer on.
I very much resenting how I felt like I had to raise my own father and how holidays and weekends were always spent with my brothers and dads laying around and us cleaning. Even Christmas they got to play with their toys and we went in the kitchen.
I do not care about excuses like "I was never taught", we are all adults now and they can YouTube and google whatever they do not know. I learned how to patch walls, change tiers, change oil, etc.
All the gendered stuff I was never taught so I do not see why he can't as well. My brother got put out by his girlfriend after they just had their first kid because he does not help with anything. Since staying with me I have forced him to do stuff. When he first moved in my house went from my tidy, clean utopia to a disgusting mess.
He would spit sunflower seeds on the floor, hide his food and dirty dishes around the house, spit chewed gum behind the coffee machine feet from the trash can, hide snack food everywhere, smoke on the toilet and put cigs out on my floor (which is a slap in the face as I asked him to not even smoke inside because I do not smoke), leave his dirty clothes everywhere even on the living room floor, etc.
Even when he ordered food for himself, he would eat at the table then leave it for me to put away for him. Anytime he took anything out of the fridge he would leave it on the table and would often leave the fridge open.
I am not joking, I found maggots 3 times from his mess. I lost it and told him to change his behavior totally or get out. Well, he started doing stuff but as badly as he could.
He would put bowls in the dish washer so they would be filled with nasty water, mop with the same water for days on end leaving it smelling of rot, do his laundry by putting it in the washer and leaving it for me to finish, put food away by throwing it all over the fridge spilling food everywhere.
The best was when he put the syrup away upside down on the top shelf with no lid on coating my entire fridge in syrup that took hours to clean, etc. Then he would say "I am trying you are just being a b&^%h".
I lost my temper, and I know I couldn't leave him on the street, so I divided the house. The cabinet doors all have locks from the previous owners, so I got him from dishes from goodwill and forbade him from using any of my dishes so he is eating off his filthy dishes.
I made it very clear that anything left on the floors (clothing, etc) gets a one-day grace period then it will be thrown away. Same with the few dishes he has as he would leave them in the sink until they started to grow mold.
I started locking my bathroom door and he has to use the one in the basement which I refuse to clean. If his clothes are in the washer for more than 8 hours and I need to use it, I dump them wet on his bed.
Any trash he leaves laying around goes on his bed. If he orders food and gets up and leaves his leftovers, I leave them to rot, then they get thrown away (though twice the idiot has left food out overnight and came out and started angry eating it whilst glaring at me. Both times the idiot got food sickness).
He destroyed my fridge again putting juice in upside down with the lid barely on once again destroying my food, so I mopped it up with towels and dumped the towels and all my ruined food on his bed then put a lock on the fridge.
He hates me and says I am making his life miserable. I say I was forced to mother him as a child but was never given the parental control to actually teach him how life works. And since my brothers used my childhood to treat me like a maid, I will no longer parent them. My view is, some lessons have to be learned painfully. I will not gentle parent a grown man who cannot close a fridge door. ATIA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Get him out. Why is he even living with you?
I feel you. It's NOT okay for him to treat your house like a pigsty. You've tried being reasonable, but he's being deliberately disrespectful. While your methods are extreme, I kinda get why you're doing it. However, this isn't sustainable.
He needs to learn to be responsible, but this isn't the way. Seriously consider setting a firm deadline for him to move out and stick to it. You deserve a clean and respectful home. This isn't parenting; it's enabling.
NTA. Kick him out. He is an adult. It is not your responsibility to keep him off the street any more than it is your responsibility to clean up after him. Let him live with one of your other brothers.
He needs to leave. He can always go live with the other brothers.
I appreciate your effort. I would kick him out. Weaponized incompetence sucks.
Girl if you don’t make that man homeless and force him to actually appreciate you girllllllll cmon now, you’re worth so much, don’t let him do this.
Putting things upside down and open in the fridge is intentional. Toddlers learn not to do that. Spitting anything on the floor is intentionally being a slob. I could dissect everything you listed, but I think you can see where I'm going from here. He's doing things to make a mess for you, and you're allowing it.
You're spending a lot of time proving a point that will never stick with him. Kick him out. Let him live with your other brothers or your parents, if they're around, who never taught him basic manners, hygiene, or much of anything. Why do you need to keep being his parent when he clearly doesn't appreciate or respect you?
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hello everyone, to start, I know a lot of people seemed incredibly perplexed I even allowed this. To this all I can really reply is that I grew up in a very toxic environment. They are Mormons, and not the modern kind.
When I was a kid, I was not allowed to wear pants. In my childhood if you asked a man to clean you would be looked at like you were insane, and if you got mad at a man being messy it would even be implied you could possibly be corrupted spiritually for attacking the original design.
Obviously after I left the church, I understood that things are different, but I am not as healed as I thought. I obviously need a lot more therapy. I also got a few posts asking why I didn't include that I am autistic in my post, this is just because it is not relevant.
The actual update: My brother is MIA. For anyone who missed it the day after that post I came home to a trashed house and a glass of milk spilt on the floor that had obviously been there for a while. I lost it and lugged the milk jug at his head (thankfully missing) and screamed at him over and over to "get out".
He tried to square up to me, but I screamed so loud it was hard to talk the next day. I think he got the hint then and took off (almost ripped my door in two doing it, I had to replace a hinge).
I know some people wanted to me to sue him but during this whole situation I was confronted with a health scare (just some weird looking moles but I am still worried) so I do not want to deal with that.
He left, get this, and went to the house of his 19 year old girlfriend. Apparently, he met this girl when she went to the bar for her 18th. I had no idea this was going on but all my brothers did. To recap. he had a baby with his GF of 8 years, THIS MONTH.
I told them all to eff off, when mom messaged me crying because "no one knows where your brother is he just left with some girl" I told her I do not care. I did (call me crazy) message the girl to tell her he is bad news but she called me crazy and blocked me.
I also messaged the girls mom who seems worried but basically said she cannot do anything because her daughter is legal. I guess they took off and skipped town and will not tell anyone where they are, outside of worry for this girl I do not care. I am too busy chilling with his EX and my wonderful niece. I am going to take care of my health and focus on my life.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
I hope your two posts are real, that you have actually taken those actions against your brother, and that you will never allow anybody else to walk all over you. Kudos to you and your new backbone!
ThrowRA-Hanshotfirst (OP)
I actually wish more and more that I had been taking pictures so I could prove I am not lying because it is so unreal. After reading all the comments. I kind of woke up and now it's like "girl tf were you doing".
This is horribly sad for OP, the 19 yo, and the girlfriend with a baby. This entitled man child just does whatever he wants and OP gets blamed for it. I hope she never lets him back into her house and goes no contact.