'AITA for thinking you shouldn’t be billed after a dinner party?'
"AITA for thinking you shouldn’t be billed after a dinner party?"
My (35F) best friend (34F) and her roommate (35F) hosted a small dinner (about six of us). They cooked a full roast. I have allergies so couldn’t eat everything, but they made sure I had a full meal. I don’t drink, so I brought my own flavored water and didn’t have any of the alcohol provided. I also brought a bottle of Prosecco as a hostess gift because I know hosting is a lot of work.
A few days later, her roommate texted asking for around $7.80 as my “share” of the party costs. It’s not a lot of money, so I transferred it straight away. But it didn’t sit right with me. If I’d known in advance we were splitting costs, I would’ve just brought my own food...
...(which I often prefer anyway due to cross-contamination worries and the fact I don’t really like roasts). I only ate what was served because when friends invite you to celebrate a holiday, you say yes and are appreciative.
For context, I’ve hosted multiple parties where my best friend and her roommate were invited, with food and alcohol provided, and I’ve never charged anyone. I’ve also had her over plenty of times and provided drinks and snacks. I’ve never kept track, it’s just how I see friendship. If I invite you, I host you.
I sat on my feelings for months to see if I’d get over it, but I didn’t. After not replying to several of her messages, I finally told her that being asked retrospectively made me uncomfortable and that expectations to split costs should’ve been communicated in the invite. She said it’s the norm within that friendship group but agreed she should’ve mentioned it beforehand.
I said that makes sense if that’s how their group operates, and I’d keep it in mind in future. But that’s not how me and my friends function. We regularly buy things for each other without splitting or charging back. She’s been to my parties and to my home many times without ever contributing financially, so while maybe that’s normal for them, it’s not something I’m used to.
She got defensive and said I was attacking her character. My best friend says she doesn’t want to be in the middle and won’t discuss it with either of us. She says she sees both sides. AITA? And what would you do now?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
HotelOk9725 said:
NTA if you are expected to share the costs of a friend or family member hosting then that expectation should be laid out at the same time as the invite. To ask for money afterwards is crass. It’s a small sum and the bottle of Prosecco you brought likely cost more than the sum requested. Your friend is being cheap.
Natural-Protection44 said:
Billing people after inviting them to your dinner party is wild NTA.
BxAnnie said:
NTA. If a person invites you to a function, especially one at their house, there is zero expectation that guests should pay. If the person presents it as “hey, let’s have a Christmas gathering at my house. I’ll do all the prep and we can split the cost of the food and drink” that’s completely different.
It doesn’t sound like that’s what happened here. Y’all are well into your 30s and should be able to host a party without asking for chip ins. If I were you I’d just limit my interactions with this person/friend group.
anthillfarces said:
Moving forward, just start billing her for her share in everything you do. Just her. Tell her it's because she said you should. You know, because that's how her friends do it, and you're friends, right? But don't accept any of her invitations so she can't do it to you. Your friendship will not survive long, though. Also, I am extremely petty, so there's that to consider.
nattyleilani said:
That’s weird. If I’m hosting, I’m paying. Period. If a guest wants to bring a dish to share, I welcome it. But part of hosting is funding the meal.
Gertrude_D said:
ESH. Any cost need to be negotiated and agreed to up front, period. She even agreed once you said something. But you sat on it for months and then decided to bring it back up out of the blue? And you've been ignoring her messages?
No wonder she kind of felt attacked. Let things go and learn your lessons. This could have waited until the situation came up again - that's when you bring it up and set expectations.