'AITA for turning down a free wedding?' 'They offered to pay for EVERYTHING.'
"AITA for turning down a free wedding?"
I (29F American) met my fiancé (28M British) while traveling, and we have been together for 4 years and engaged for 6 months. I've always been ambivalent towards marriage (but open to it); however I knew from a very young age I didn't want a wedding.
It's just not something I'm drawn to at all. I hate the idea of wearing a wedding dress, being the center of attention, participating in wedding traditions, etc. My fiancé knows this, and my family and friends have also always known this about me.
My fiancé and I planned to elope and travel for several months on an extended honeymoon, but his family (mom and step-dad) wanted us to have a small wedding in the UK. They offered to pay for everything. I explained that it's not about the cost for me at all. I just don't want to have a wedding, even a small one.
I think they are well-intentioned and believed paying for a small wedding with just close family and friends was a good compromise, but I didn't want to do something I've never wanted to do, even if it was free.
Since my fiancé supports this, we turned them down (this officially happened last month), but now it has caused some tension with his family. AITA for turning down their offer to pay for a wedding?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ACrackBandit3 said:
NTA. Ultimately, it's your marriage and your final decision. However, there could be some room for compromise here. How about instead of a wedding, you let your in-laws host some sort of marital celebration/party?
That way you don't have to deal with the wedding dress and the traditions and the logistics but your partner's family can still celebrate your marriage in a small, intimate setting. Just some food for thought.
TemptingPenguin369 said:
NTA. Unfortunately, you should have actually eloped and not told anyone of your plans (that's what I did). Then if your fiancé's family wants to throw you a small celebratory dinner party afterward, they can do that and you can avoid all of the planning, traditions and attention of a wedding (that's what I did).
softcurvezX said:
NTA. You've been clear from day one, and it sounds like your man has your back. People need to stop acting like a wedding is a requirement for a happy marriage. It's a party, not a life sentence. Besides, you're a grown woman and you get to decide how you celebrate your relationship.
IamIrene said:
NTA. You don't have to submit to a wedding you don't want to have in the first place, even if someone else is paying for it. If there's tension, it's not your fault. You and your SO have been transparent about all of this and they still wanted to maneuver you into going through with it. They didn't accept your answer, which is pretty disrespectful if you ask me.
International-Fee255 said:
NTA. And it's absolutely wonderful that your fiancé is on your side here and backing you up. My friend had a huge church wedding because that's what her fiancés parents wanted. We watched her wedding video together and she looked miserable at every turn. They can throw a party for you on your return from honeymoon, it will be a much more sedate affair.
Alli4138 said:
NTA. This isn't their marriage it is yours and your partner's. You two decide are the ones that decide if you want it to be a wedding or not.
ScarletNotThatOne said:
NTA. But maybe offer a compromise of a wedding reception or party there?
Later, OP updated the post to include:
Thanks for all the comments, everyone. Many people have suggested a party/dinner in lieu of a full-on wedding as a compromise. While I still do not love the idea, I do think it could be a good compromise, especially if it's something we do after returning from the honeymoon when it has had time to blow over.
There have definitely been some cultural differences as well as family differences involved here. I come from a very open and informal family, while his family is a little more traditional and formal.
We live in the UK currently and see them about once a month, but he does not talk to his parents on more than on a weekly basis and that's just how their family is. This has given me a lot to think about and some time to plan next steps.