'AITA for upsetting my wife so she’ll clean more? When I told my coworkers they judged me.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for upsetting my wife so she’ll clean more?"

Okay so I know the title makes it sound bad, but hear me out. I (28M) have been married to my wife Lindsey (25F) for two years, we’ve been together for 7. Our marriage is great. Despite us both being busy with work, we still make time to go on dates and be intimate with each other whenever we can. I work in engineering and Lindsey is an RN, so I pay for most of the bills and utilities.

We “split the bills” but I pay for majority of the costs because I make more. Lindsey usually fully covers grocery costs and the wifi which isn’t much because it’s just the two of us. I feel that since I make and spend more money, Lindsey should make up for that in housework.

I’m not some traditional wife desiring AH, I think it’s great that she works and has goals for her career, I want her to. I feel like our chores are split fairly. It changes day by day depending on our schedules, but typically, Lindsey cooks our meals (she is much better than me, trust me, you don’t want me anywhere near a kitchen) but it’s nothing fancy or requiring a lot of effort.

She does the dishes and vacuums but it’s not daily. It’s more like an “as needed” basis. I take out the trash weekly and wash our cars about once a month. This has always seemed fair to me, but recently I’ve felt frustrated with her. I’ve been at my current job for 6 years and I’ve developed really great friendships in my time here. There’s a few of us that always get together on break for lunch and whatnot.

One of my coworkers, “John” (35M) has been married to his wife “Claire” for about 10 years if my memory serves correctly. About a month ago John invited me and the rest of the gang + our wives to have dinner at their house. Claire is a stay at home mom so she handles everything at home while John works and brings home the bacon. I know this sounds bad, but I was jealous.

Not because she’s a stay at home mom, I don’t want kids, but because John has a wife that actually puts effort into her food and cleaning. Their house was IMMACULATE, completely spotless, no dishes left in the sink, little knick knacks left out on countertops, nothing! I couldn’t believe it. Claire set the table and waited on everyone.

She was thoughtful and made sure everyone’s glasses were always full and would ask if she could get us more food, etc. She made filet mignon with mashed potatoes and roasted vegetables on the side. It was amazing and I can’t remember the last time Lindsey put any effort into our meals.

It’s always something lazy like pasta, a lot of chicken centered meals, tacos, quesadillas, everything requiring little to no effort. On the drive home, Lindsey made a comment about how Claire is an amazing cook and said she would like to have dinner with them again because they’re great people.

I agreed with her and said something along the lines of “you could also be more adventurous with your meal choices so we can eat good at home too.” She took offense to this and said she didn’t realize her food was so bad. I said it wasn’t, but it’s nothing compared to Claire’s because she puts no effort into it.

She stopped talking to me and was pouting like a child. She went to bed without speaking to me that night. I ended up apologizing the next day when she got home and she forgave me. Fast forward a week later and I became more and more frustrated. She was working 12-hour shifts more than usual and as a result, her house work suffered.

She would leave at 7am and come home at 7pm, and on some nights she went straight to bed without making dinner. I ended up getting takeout on those nights. Dishes were piling up in the sink, the carpets were becoming noticeably dirty, and she just sat in bed scrolling on her phone or sleeping.

I tried to be understanding at first but at this point she’s used to working 12 hour shifts so there really is no excuse. I ended up having a talk with her and was brutally honest. I told her that I’m not satisfied with her level of house work anymore and I want her to do more. I want her to come home and make dinner and I want her to put more effort into it.

I gave her some examples of meals I would like to eat and suggestions for ways that she can clean before going to bed, such as drinking coffee or energy drinks on the way home. I thought she was receptive to my ideas at first but then I realized she looked pissed. She very coldly asked me if I feel this way because of John’s wife and I answered honestly and said yes.

I told her I would be embarrassed if my friends came over to have dinner with us after that dinner at John’s. She started tearing up when I said this and I felt kind of bad for being so harsh. She didn’t say a word to me and just left the room.

I came out a short while later and saw her maniacally scrubbing a stain out of the carpet on her hands and knees still crying. I asked her what she was doing and she screamed “WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE YOU F#$KING AH!” The stain she was scrubbing was pretty much gone but she continued for what felt like hours.

I started feeling sorry for pushing her to that point but then I remembered something …. something that could work out great for me or go horribly wrong. When she was in high school, she was baker acted (I will not disclose details out of respect) and was in a psych ward.

She told me she used to neglect herself when she felt really depressed but after being in the ward, she obsessively cleans when she feels depressed or overwhelmed because of the habits they drilled into her. I almost felt like a DC villain because of the huge smirk that crept on my face.

So, the next night she got home at 7pm. I told her I had something to confess to her and she looked petrified. I told her I was sorry, but I watched p#$n while she was at work because I was lonely. She ended up throwing up from crying so much but just as I thought, she started cleaning. She washed all the dishes BY HAND instead of using the dishwasher.

She dusted everything, every fan, every TV screen, every shelf. I didn’t want it to be too obvious so I started limiting this trick to 4x a week max. Skip to present day, I made a joke at lunch with my coworkers about how I trained by wife to love cleaning.

Everyone was laughing and asked for the secret, so I said “all I have to do is make her cry and she can’t wait to clean!” “Daniel” asked me what I mean, and I told him about how her response to being upset is to clean so I’ve been upsetting her on purpose. Everyone was silent while I was still laughing. “Adam” asked why in a very unamused tone.

I spilled the beans about how Claire made me realize how unmotivated my wife is and I wish Lindsey was more like her. The rest of lunch was pretty awkward and I felt like I made everyone uncomfortable. I ended up texting John to ask if I did something wrong because he didn’t come by my station before leaving like he usually does.

He told me he felt really weird about the way I was treating my wife and idealizing his. He told me I was being an AH and “emotionally ab#$ing her” when I should just communicate. I argued against this because I DID communicate. I told her exactly what I wanted from her and all she did was make excuses about being tired from work and needing sleep.

She even suggested that I should clean more if the state of the house bothers me so much and that I should learn how to cook before criticizing her. We wouldn’t be able to afford the house we live in if it weren’t for me. The lifestyle we live is because of ME so why can’t she just show appreciation by cleaning and cooking better meals??? It’s been three days now and I am now sitting alone at lunch.

When I sit with my usual group everyone stops talking. I feel like I really f#$ked up and want to make things right with my friends, but at the same time I feel like what I’m doing is okay because it’s not for no reason. She’s actually cleaning more and I’m so proud of her. AITA because I want to keep doing it?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

PilotPlayero wrote:

Dude, I had to stop reading halfway through. Paragraphs. But it does sound like YTA. I predict that your marriage won’t last very long, specially with the mind games you’re playing. There will come a time when she’ll realize that you’re a threat to her mental well being, and will have no choice but to leave you. I truly hope that this is just a fake post that you created for fun.

she_who_knits wrote:

YTA. Housework should be 50/50 if you both work outside the home. Unless there is a serious imbalance in the hours worked. If she's working 60 hours to your 40 then you need to be doing more chores, not less. Bills should be paid based on income, if you earn 60% of the income, you pay 60%of the bills. You're also the TA for this totally fake narcissistic ragebait.

OP responded:

I never really thought about it that way, as far as the bills go yes and that’s why I pay more, but that’s exactly why I felt like she should do a bit more than me because of how much I had to work to get to this point. You all make me feel like af4#$ing animal for saying this is fake. There is absolutely no way this is that bad. I’m not narcissistic either but thanks for the internet diagnosis😂

percsonthecounter wrote:

YTA. I would get if she had a different job and I understand she’s “used to it” but f she’s an RN and working twelve hour shifts. You guys should both be helping with housework and doing things as a team as you both have jobs. You can’t expect her to work 12 hour shifts and do EVERYTHING. Also making her upset so she’ll clean is just f#$ked.

You’re taking advantage of her trauma and now she only associated cleaning with being upset. There’s ways to have a nice household together and make cleaning easy. Support and love and communication goes a lot farther than having her to a point where she only associates cleaning with being upset.

Have healthy discussions and tell her that you see her and you value her and that you’re proud of her regardless of the cleaning. Tell her that you don’t want her to associate cleaning with being upset but you would like to work together to keep things straight. You also can’t compare her to a stay at home mom.

They have the time to do those things, her past trauma along with the job she has is mentally taxing, you need to be more supportive of her regardless of the cleaning then maybe she’ll feel valued enough to want to try to help at home.

OP responded:

After all the other responses I didn’t expect for anyone to be so helpful but this is it. I’ll admit, I don’t know a lot about trauma and mental health. That is something I need to learn more about. I honestly have always viewed myself as a loving and supportive husband but now I’m questioning everything. I don’t know why my first reaction to her obsessive cleaning was to use this against her and not comfort her.

I truly do believe I put a lot of effort into making her feel loved but I’ll try to do better. I’m not attracted to Claire and I never cared this much about the state of our house but for some reason I felt less than after that dinner and like I should be embarrassed of my wife. As I’m typing this I’m realizing so much. I think I am the AH in this situation.

I didn’t equate her effort in housework with feeling valued, but that’s something I can try. I don’t know how I could help with the house besides what I already do but I will ask her. The thought of washing dishes disgusts me to the point where I feel ill. I like the idea of us working together though. Thank you so much for the constructive response, I will take your suggestions very seriously.

express-nerve1718 wrote:

Your lack of critical thinking would be astounding if you weren't so publicly obtuse. If you cared, a simple Google search of the effects of mental ab#$e would be a starting point. Caring isn't something you seem capable of. Maybe when that career you're so smug about flatlines you'll consider some introspection. Or just keep trying deflection.

OP responded:

“Feelings of confusion, anxiety, shame, guilt, frequent crying, over-compliance, powerlessness, and more.” You’re gonna hate me for this one and no this isn’t me being obtuse or an AH on purpose, but this is nothing permanent or life-altering. She has been through so much worse, this is nothing in comparison.

She can get that feeling of power back, I am done making her cry, she doesn’t feel guilty about anything (at least that she’s communicated to me), and she’s always had anxiety. She also enjoys the dom/sub relationship so I don’t think the compliance is an issue for her😉As long as I’m not forcing her to do something bad (which I’m not). I do care, so you can screw off.

Alisha_Nat wrote:

YTA & the only decent thing in this post is that at least your work colleagues recognize that YTA & don’t even want to be around you! Your wife is working 12 hour shifts in a physically demanding job & you can’t even bother to learn to cook but want her to cook better food for you!? I’m so glad your wife has a good career & you have no children so she can dump your a-- easily & move on with her life!!

OP responded:

It’s not that I can’t be bothered, I’m just not good at it. I can’t even make pasta well. Why would I be the one to cook if I produce inedible food? It’s just a waste of everyone’s time and money because she would end up cooking anyways, or we would order takeout. I tried to make meatballs for us once and they tasted like burnt plastic.

After being thoroughly called out, OP jumped on with an update.

I understand that I'm the AH now and no, this is not fake. Sorry to bring deprive you of that comfort. It's impossible not to recognize something is wrong with you when a good 80% of the comments are calling it fake or hoping it is. I understand now that I mentally ab#$ed my wife and I do want to fix it.

Thank you to the two people who actually took the time to offer constructive feedback and advice. As much as I hate the thought I am going to seek out a professional. It isn't possible for everyone to be wrong and I'm right, even though that's what my brain is telling me.

I know something is wrong with me even though my brain is saying there isn't. Thank you all for helping me realize it. As per request, I will update in the future if there are any changes.

Four months later, OP shared a major update.

So, hi. It's been a while. I don't have a lot to say, but I was asked to update if I ever decided to try therapy and I did. I didn't like it. I dropped out of individual therapy after two sessions (my therapist was more interested in my childhood than giving me actual advice) but stuck with couples therapy. I tried, I really did. The therapist and my "wife" would gang up on me.

The therapist changed my wife a lot. She went from being kind and soft spoken to rude and brazen. She would snap on me for absolutely nothing and constantly bring up things I've done in the past to use against me in an argument to try and make me submit. Remember how my "wife" is an RN? Yeah, well she was f#$king cheating on me with some ugly c*&t working the same shifts as her.

She confessed to that in therapy and said if I could forgive her she could forgive "all the things I've done." NOTHING I have ever done has been close to this. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED. VOWS MEAN NOTHING APPARENTLY.... she also shared a lot of things she never told me, like her last grandparent passing away. In her words, "he wouldn't care."

Yes I would have if she told me. She had no reason not to. I wouldn't have been so harsh about the housework if I knew she was grieving, but no, go ahead please, don't tell me anything and then use it against me later because THAT makes sense.

I thought couple therapists were supposed to be neatural. Isn't their entire purpose bringing couples together and helping them understand each other? Since when do they call their clients manipulative? How is that allowed? Anyways, back to the b#$ch "wife," I can't forgive a cheater. She is staying with her parents for now as we are separated.

I don't want her back in my house. It makes sense now why she didn't want to get intimate anymore. We stopped going on dates. Our intimacy suffered. All because she cheated. Therapy was a waste of time and money, but I guess it was worth it in the end because I learned what kind of person she really is.

She disgusts me. I did NOT want therapy but I tried my best for her and to change. That is clearly not what she wanted because she cheated. I learned this information last month and I have finally come to terms with it.

As for my "friends," I'm still cool with a few of them, others clearly look down on me so I don't interact with them anymore, but we don't eat lunch together anymore. I sit elsewhere now and it's not too bad honestly. I'm meeting new people. Maybe I'll find love again soon but who knows. My reputation at work in regards to personal matters is kind of s#$t now. Well, that's really it. Thank you for reading.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

new-lifeguard-9494 wrote:

Hahaha karma came to bite you in the a#$. I do not blame your wife one little bit for cheating on you! Good for her! You deserved it because you are an ab#$ive disgusting human being who does not deserve to have anyone love you.

"All because she cheated."

LIES!!

"Maybe I'll find love again soon but who knows."

God, I hope not. Please do not inflict your ab-se onto another innocent victim.

"My reputation at work in regards to personal matters is kind of sh--t now."

Good. You deserve it.

OP responded:

Yeah, glad to see this is how society treats a man working on himself. I can admit my wrongdoings and I did. I committed to working on myself and our relationship because posting online the first time made me realize something was wrong with the way I think and lack empathy. I can see how I was emotionally ab#$ive.

Should ab#$ers not attempt to change? Should I have not gone to therapy and just continued to ab#$e her? You are all here justifying infidelity while ignoring the efforts I made. The reaction would have been the exact same if I didn’t work on myself and just said she cheated, but everyone ignores the part where I tried.

New-lifeguard9494 responded:

"Glad to see this is how society treats a man working on himself."

LIES!! If you were actually working on yourself, you would have continued therapy instead of quitting after two sessions just because the therapist didn't agree with you and wanted to talk about your childhood! Welcome to actual therapy idiot!

"I can admit my wrongdoings and I did. I committed to working on myself and our relationship."

LIES!!

"while ignoring the efforts I made."

LIES!! You made almost ZERO effort! I hope your wife enjoys the new and much better d#$k in her life. She deserves to be able to spend her life with someone who's not a colossal AH.

OP responded:

Yeah because you were there right? You were in the room with us when I was vulnerable and cried realizing how horrible I was. You were there to witness me still showing up to couples counseling despite how uncomfortable I was because I wanted to do better and have a healthy relationship. How is this zero effort?

Even though they ganged up on me I still tried my best. I still internalized everything the therapist said and I put it to use. I changed the way I communicate. I have tools for determining when something I’m going to say is harmful or not, but this is zero effort, right?

thehazeybaker wrote:

You just can’t take accountability for anything, can you? It’s all either your (ex) wife’s fault or the therapists. A therapist wanting to hear about your childhood before just giving you advice, is a good therapist. They wanted to actually get to the root of your issues!

And the marriage counselor didn’t “change your wife” either, she decided she wasn’t your doormat anymore! Good on her! With all the mental ab#$e and manipulation she endured by you, I don’t blame her for stopping being intimate with you and getting it from someone that she obviously felt safe with.

OP responded:

I have taken accountability for my abu#$ive actions. What do you think I haven’t taken accountability for?

Practical_Archer wrote:

I’ve never read a story and had sympathy for the cheater not the betrayed party, until now. I’m amazed she tolerated you for as long as she did. You are still tone deaf and a@#$ive. It’s very hard to feel any sympathy for you.

OP responded:

I was venting when I wrote this post which is why I came off as a-holey as I did…I did improve with the therapy sessions we had. I’m not perfect but I am doing my best.