'AITA for telling my mother she needs to get consent to style or mess with my hair?'
"AITA for using the word 'consent' against my mother?"
I (14F) have wavy, frizzy hair that's always been a pain to maintain whenever it's short (let's say above my shoulders) about 2 years ago now was when my hair was at it's longest and it was easier to maintain, I got it cut because my mom (44) didn't want me to have longer hair, being 12 at the time.
I didn't care so much and got it done.(I was on vacation when this happened) Fast forward to around September 2024 after me and my sister (9) had just gotten haircuts, and I think it's safe to say that we are both responsible when it comes to asking for the appropriate haircuts.
However we noticed that our hairdresser had cut our hair shorter than requested, this was the second time that had happened and I asked my mom if she could ask the hairdresser to not cut off as much hair because both my sister and I didn't want to come off as rude.
That's when she admits that she tells the hairdresser to cut our hair shorter on purpose because she likes our short hair. My sister and I were both livid, and I told her that we were both old enough to ask for a simple trim. Since then my mom has offered to plait my hair after I wash it, and I have politely declined the offer, yet she keeps asking me in particular if she could brush my hair, and I still say no.
But she is still asking, and at this point I'm getting really sick of her requests despite me saying no, so the next time she asked me about her brushing my hair I say "no I don't consent to that" my mom gets upset that I used that kind of language against her.
I told her that I was only using strong language because she wasn't listening to me at first and I said that I have to say what I really mean, but she still gets mad at me. AITAH?
People had a lot to say in response.
Nester1953 wrote:
Your body, your hair, your right to withhold consent to be touched in any way that you don't welcome. Perhaps if your mother hadn't gone behind your back and given your hairdresser instructions that contradicted your stated wishes, you'd be less sensitive in this area. But as it stands, your sensitivity and strong, assertive language are completely justified. NTA.
dryadduinath wrote:
NTA. Consent isn’t strong language. It’s just accurate. Your hair is a part of you, you get to say no, and you get to respond when it feels like she’s trying to wear you down. Actions have consequences. When we betray a trust, we have to work to rebuild it. We can’t just demand it back.
oerisme wrote:
Lmfao your mom only thinks it's strong language bc she wants to push your boundaries and still sees you as an extension of herself rather than your own person. NTA keep defending yourself and if your mom doubles down or pushes harder then you'll know you can't trust her.
Key-Designer-1155 wrote:
NTA. Anyone who gets like this about the word ‘consent’ is TA because it usually means they don’t want to hear ‘no’ and want full control. You’re 14 and entitled to autonomy over your own body (as anyone is at any age of their life).
pfkoxme wrote:
NTA - as a parent, it’s easy to fall a few steps behind when our kids are growing up. Every once in a while we need our kids to remind us that they are growing up. Good for you for standing up for yourself - establishing boundaries, especially with those with authority, will serve you well.
Joubachi wrote:
NTA big time! She is upset that you set boundaries for your own body??? That is wrong on so many levels.No means no. And your mother disrespecting this is horrible. If she was a good mother, she'd celebrate a kid/teen being able to set boundaries in such a firm way. It's really good you stand up not just for yourself but also for your younger sister. It's just sad you have to do so against your mother...
the_evilpenguin wrote:
NTA. I've got two White parents, 4 white grandparents but have a genetic 'quirk' which means I've got Afro hair (really, really Afro). My Mum took me to a salon when I was 11 and they said if they cut it all off it would grow back straight - newsflash...it didn't. After that, I refused to allow any hairdresser near my hair and I would physically walk out the room if my Mum came anywhere near me.
It was only when I went to University which had a much better mix of people (not 100% white in Southern UK) and I started getting my hair braided and finally, relaxed. I go to an amazing Afro-Carribbean salon and have done for over 20 years and my hair is in amazing condition.
It sounds as if your Mum doesn't know how to care for your type of hair? And maybe the salon doesn't either? I don't blame you for saying what you did and if you're happy with how your hair is, that's great. If not - might be worth having a look online or for local places that would be happy to talk to you about how they could tame your hair to a style / condition you'd like?
RandomAho wrote:
NTA.
You may be young but you have a right to an opinion and you should have the right to tell people who try to exert control over your body without your consent that is what they are doing.
"I don't consent to that" does not sound at all rude or disrespectful. It sounds like a young person making a point very, very clear to someone who hasn't been listening to them. Maybe ask your mom to sit down and discuss it with you properly. You can probably get to a compromise that works ok for both of you and removes any need for the disagreement to escalate.