'AITA for vetoing putting an offer on my wife's 'dream house?''
"AITA for vetoing putting an offer on my wife's 'dream house?'"
My wife (34F) and I (38M) are shopping for our first house. We both put together lists of needs, wants, and deal-breakers for our desired home. We both had similar lists in terms of needs and wants. Multiple bedrooms and good schools for when we have kids, fenced in yard for our dog, no major renovations needed, etc. I only had one real deal-breaker.
I told her I would refuse to even put an offer in on a house that has an HOA. My parents lived in an HOA when I was a teenager and I saw the amount of BS they had to go through all the time. There's no way I want to spend a huge amount of money and have to deal with that kind of thing for who knows how many years.
The house could check every single box in our need and want list and I would still refuse to even try and buy it. Well, our search has not been an easy one. We have been priced out of a lot of areas that we were hoping to live in. And the houses that are more within our budget are not exactly what we're looking for. We've toured dozens of houses. Had offers rejected. Had sellers try to get us into bidding wars.
We've argued, disagreed, and fought. It's sucked. Last week our realtor sent us a home that was just hitting the market. She was excited because she thought it was "exactly what we are looking for." My wife fell in love with the pictures and wanted to set up a tour. But as I was looking at the listing, I saw it has an HOA. I told my wife that I don't even want to go look at it since I don't want to put an offer in.
She decided to set up a tour with the realtor without me. She viewed the home without telling me about it, then came home and was all excited to submit an offer. She spent an entire evening trying to convince me that it's her "dream house" and that we need to submit an offer before it's too late. She said there's no harm in submitting an offer just to see what the sellers say.
I told her that she knows an HOA is my #1 deal-breaker and that I find it pretty upsetting that she would go behind my back and do this on her own and then try and convince me to compromise my stance. She tried to downplay how much of an impact an HOA would have on our lives and told me that "a little inconvenience from an HOA won't offset how much we enjoy our home."
But she's never lived in an HOA. She hasn't seen first-hand how nuts they can be and how stressful it can be for a homeowner. I reminded her that when we started looking, that we both agreed that this had to be a 2-year decision. Meaning that if one of us vetoed a house for whatever reason, we wouldn't pursue it. And she knows that an HOA is my #1 veto reason.
She's now super pissed at me for vetoing her "dream house." She's telling me we will never find a house that checks so many of her wants and needs and that I should just let go of the HOA thing and submit an offer. I told her she's letting her frustration with the process cloud her judgement and she's taking it out on me.
People had a lot to say in the comments.
ahknewb wrote:
You're allowed to both have deal-breakers. So, regardless of what your deal breakers are, you are NTA here. That said...I knowthe internet is a hate filled ragegoblin when it comes to HOAs. And there are ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE ones out there. But, there are also perfectly harmless ones. And there are even really nice ones that do a good job WITHOUT being obnoxious.
Want to know how to tell? Go take a walk in the neighborhood on a Saturday. Say hi to people you meet. Pet their dogs and talk to them about the neighborhood and the HOA. If it's garbage, people are going to be itching to tell you their horror stories.
WestCovina1234 responded:
This is a great answer. Despite all the rage talk about HOAs, I’ve lived for over 30 years in two different neighborhoods with HOAs and both of them were great. They’re definitely not all horrible.
SquallkLemon wrote:
"I reminded her that when we started looking, that we both agreed that this had to be a 2-yes decision."
Finding a place to live, to settle down, to potentially raise a family, is absolutely a 2-yes decision.
"She's now super pissed at me for vetoing her "dream house." She's telling me we will never find a house that checks so many of her wants and needs and that I should just let go of the HOA thing and submit an offer. I told her she's letting her frustration with the process cloud her judgement and she's taking it out on me."
I get the feeling that perhaps she's just ready for this process to be over. She's moved into "good enough" territory, and in trying to convince you it's her dream house, she's also trying to convince herself.
I would ask her why she even bothered making the agreement with you if she was just going to throw it out? And what if you found a place and she vetoed it, or vetoed something else in your marriage? Do you no longer have to respect when she says "no?"
Have a deeper conversation about what's really going on here and what is driving this. Also, remind your wife that you two aren't looking for her "dream house", you're looking for the dream house for both of you.
NTA. Edit: This is now my most upvoted comment. Thank you.
betovetoaita wrote:
"I would ask her why she even bothered making the agreement with you if she was just going to throw it out? And what if you found a place and she vetoed it, or vetoed something else in your marriage? Do you no longer have to respect when she says 'no?'
This actually happened with another house our realtor found for us. I loved it. Checked all my needs and wants. But it was a further commute than my wife wanted.
I WFH but she's a dental hygienist so she has to drive to work every day. She didn't want to spend that much time in a car every day, so we didn't pursue it even though I really wanted to. I brought that up during the argument about this HOA house and she did not appreciate it.
liquidmccartney8 wrote:
NAH because buying a house as two people is a tough process and it can make AHs out of the most non-AHish among us. My partner and I just closed on a house that we both love but involved major compromises on both of our parts.
I found that it was very difficult to treat things that were important to her but not to me as legitimate parts of the decision rather than obstacles to a decision that satisfied myself. I think both of you may be having trouble with that as well.
My suggestion would be to get your realtor to give you a copy of the rules for this HOA, do some research, and see if it’s really as bad as you fear. My old neighborhood had one on paper but in practice it did nothing. Either way, your wife will appreciate your willingness to consider compromising on this issue.
SnooPets8873 wrote:
NTA unless you live in a place where your deal breaker of no HOA knocks out all but a lucky chance of finding a home. Where I live, if you want new construction, there will be an HOA but you can find pockets of existing neighborhoods that don’t have one, so with patience, it should be possible. Where my parents live?
Good luck. There’s no way you’ll find something without an HOA unless you buy land and build where there is no existing structures/residences and to do that, you have to go fairly rural. From your post stating you guys did make offers that just didn’t work out, I’m guessing that’s not an issue where you live and therefore she is just getting frustrated and trying to renege on the agreement.
While I think no agreement in marriage should be permanently tabled (as in her raising the issue to see if there is some movement on your side now that you’ve experienced some setbacks should be ok) she can’t just unilaterally insist that your dealbreaker gets dropped.