'AITA for video-calling my sister's fiancé while she was actively cheating on him? UPDATED
"AITA for video-calling my sister's fiancé while she was actively cheating on him?"
So I kinda went nuclear on my half sister, she's 23 and been with her boyfriend for just under a year and they decided to get engaged, due to be married early 2025. Throw away because I like to keep my online & personal stuff separated, and I'm also just incredibly paranoid/shook up.
I live with my half sister and her fiancé. My sister and I are only 6 months apart in age and apparently, surprise the apple didn't fall far from the tree with this situation, I'm sure our age gap is explanation enough. I'm currently very wound up as I type this so excuse any tangents or if I seem all over the place as I'm still running off the rage and panic this whole ordeal has put me through.
Yesterday afternoon I had come home from my grandparents house for an Anzac day lunch, due to not feeling well I came home earlier than expected, I guess my sister hadn't heard me come in because I was greeted to very suspicious sounds from her bedroom.
At first I didn't think much as her fiancé had been away the past couple of weeks in another city at a different branch, and figured she was just enjoying some alone time while I was out of the house, and decided to go about my day. I've heard weirder sh^t in our lives together from sharing a wall with her half my life, and seeing her exes come and go.
It wasn't until I heard another voice that I realized that she was very much NOT alone.
I don't even know what came over me as I was just instantly in a blind rage, it felt like I was watching myself from afar or through a fish bowl is how I could describe it, but I shot her fiancé a message to see if he's available to call real quick, we chat often and he's the main handy man of the house so it's not uncommon for us to call him when he's away for dumb questions.
I dashed upstairs quickly and proceeded to shout- "Wanna say hi to sister?" and kicked open the door with him on video. By the time they were in view they were already scrambling apart, my sister immediately screaming.
The poor guy looked confused by the situation and startled by my intrusion and fell backwards off the bed, it all felt like a blur after that, lot's of yelling, screaming, "what the f-" doors slamming, sisters phone/house phone ringing etc as I'd hung up on her fiancé during it all.
By the time I was fully aware of everything again properly I was in my room, my sister still screaming outside, and the guy yelling as well, I slightly recognized him from a few parties we'd been to, but couldn't put a name to the face if I tried.
After a bit I heard everyone leave, and within the hour her mother was calling me to lecture me about how I had gone too far, and I should be ashamed of myself for going about it this way instead of talking about it first, she accused me of being resentful of my sister and lashing out at her for what happened to my mother.
As she is the affair baby after all and wanting to absolutely humiliate her. So I guess she stayed with her mother for the night as she never came back home.
Prior to this, my sister and I have had a fantastic relationship, we've shared a house every week since we were born, grown up together, become best friends, helped each other out, but when this situation came up something in me just snapped, I threw her under the bus with out hesitation.
My father may have been a scumbag to my mother, but all our parents co-parented us very well over all with minimal issue (or atleast they hid it from us really well otherwise).
Now I've had time to calm down, I think maybe I did take it too far by video calling him, and can see how that would be rather cruel of me to subject them to that. Our dad, my mother and her fiance have tried to call me a couple of times now this morning, but I'm too scared to talk to them currently after her mother ripped into me over it already and all the yelling that went on when the situation broke out.
I just want to run away from it all, and haven't left my room outside of locking the house up when she left. So...AITA? Did I take it too far? I don't even know how to handle this going forward in all honestly it all feels so surreal.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Outrageous_Spray_863 said:
NTA you reap what you sow and you saved the fiancé from your scumbag sister. Better he ends it now then gets married to her and she cheats anyway.
Melodic-Skin9045 said:
Hilarious. The fiance can do what he likes with the information. NTA.
HarlotteHoehansson said:
NTA. If you had just told him she was cheating he might not have believed you. You gave him proof.
lonelyboredalone said:
NTA, she would have been caught one way or another. Also, if she really cared about her fiance, she wouldn't have cheated. Plus, fiance may not believe without evidence, and you gave him that.
At least he knows now, then later down the road. Also, with you guys living together, she wasn't very secretive about her cheating as well. I mean, fiance could have come home early as well and may have wanted to surprise her, so she did it to herself.
BudgetAttention9268 said:
NTA...You saved the fiance a lot of heartache...More than he has now...On top of attorneys fees.
OP responded to a comment with this info:
We had a talk, he wasn't surprised about the cheating, but he was surprised about how directly it was confirmed for him.
idk if I have pre-existing issues in all honesty I'm back and forth on it, like cheating is s*&^%y, maybe I am bitter I don't know over all, but practically since I was born everyone was separate, all my life I've known going to mums one week, dads on the other, dad's on holidays more than mum to spend time with sister.
Her mum has been more like an auntie, or a step mother despite not being with my dad so I'd see her periodically, and vice versa with my sister sometimes coming to my mums and any major life event both of them have been there.
It's a weird dynamic to others, but it's my life, and I've personally never had issues, it's just this situation that's ripped open everything.
Though maybe the family gossip has impacted me more than I think, I'll have to ponder it a bit more, but it doesn't feel as heavy. Now I think about it, that s^%$ must've been f&^%$#g hard on my mother, they hid any drama really well from us, this whole situations making me way more aware of their drama now
Then, in a separate post, OP came back with this wild story:
This is killing me, I recently busted my half-sister for cheating in a very humiliating way, opting to go nuclear on her and called her fiance in the midst of her tryst with a guy for him to get front row seats to the ordeal.
They have been together just under a year, and we have known him through mutual friends much longer but really only got close during the past year and a bit.
The fallout that occurred on my half wasn't anything spectacular outside of my sisters mother (we have different mums and all parties opted to co-parent as positively as possible) going off on me for how I decided to reveal the affair. Along with the loss of contact with my sister who was essentially my best friend.
Due to my sisters-mothers own involvement with my father cheating with her, I later came to find out she was mildly projecting her fears onto the situation, ie "What if that's how I had been found out" as she was a semi-innocent party to my fathers shitty behaviour- a situation I recently got to know the full scope of from both her and my mother.
She had essentially slotted herself into the shoes of the guy her daughter was sleeping with at the time and was upset at how humiliating the situation was. She has since apologized sincerely to me for what she had said to me in the heat of the moment- but this isn't about that.
My sister's fiance at the time was in another city for work, and due to the situation he got his trip shortened significantly and was home a couple of days later, and has been here in the house since, while my sister has been at our fathers (her mother was furious with her and refused to let her stay with her). I've posted elsewhere about the initial situation that occurred if you're curious.
Now this is where things get messy, I have 0 idea if I have some how led him on to react this way, if it's a way to get back at my sister, or if he's just emotionally unstable, or a combination, and I just don't know what to do about it.
Usually I tell everything to my sister, but for obvious reasons, she has not spoken to me the past 2 weeks at all, going as far to collect her stuff while I wasn't home to avoid seeing me (which is understandable).
This whole past week I've been a huge source of comfort to my sisters now ex-fiance, and I've stayed up late with him while he cries, rubbing his back while bent over the toilet throwing up from drinking (I've urged him to stop but he refuses to), and just trying to help him out in general and stop him from doing anything drastic.
He's been a wreck, while he handled the initial situation eerily collected as he'd suspected she'd been cheating for a while, I guess reality caught up to him, and the situation from his side is pretty messed up- the guy my sister slept with was someone from his past who he had formerly outed for cheating (why can't people keep their genitals to themselves?
It's genuinely so disheartening how much cheating goes on around me that I was blissfully unaware of prior outside of my parents odd dynamic), so needless to say his mental health has been absolutely fucked with by this guy and my sisters actions.
I don't know if through many of the comforting hugs, long talks, re-assurances that he's maybe gotten the wrong idea about my behavior, or if it's just 'cause he's going though a hard time, but today he'd been drinking, and through a fit of tears he'd reached up and kissed me.
I froze for a brief moment before I shoved him away startledly saying "Kaleb (fake name), what the f&^%?" he looked at me confused for a second, before bursting into tears again and getting up. He's since locked himself in his room upstairs, and I haven't heard much between the occasional resurgence of his crying.
I don't know what to do, I can't tell my family because I don't even know what to make of this situation, and I can't talk to him because he hasn't responded to me when I try to approach his door.
Usually I'd talk to my sister about this stuff, and all of our friends are mutual and I don't trust that shit not to spread like wild-fire, so the only place I can think to go is here. He's been like a brother to me so far, but I think this whole issue has shown me I will likely be losing him along with my sister if this is how he is handling things.
Do I tell anyone? Do I act like it didn't happen? I'm wondering if maybe he was too drunk and he's missing my sister, we do look alike with minor differences (more squared jaw vs round, more tanned vs freckled, lighter eyes vs darker), is it my fault if I was too comforting and should I be apologizing?
I feel like I've betrayed my sister despite the fact she's the one who's cheated and put him in this state to begin with, I also feel gross because I've only ever kissed one other person in my life and it just feels ick (I'm just not into people like that), it's all overwhelming and I'm finding it difficult to process.
I just don't know what to do, any advice on how to handle this would be helpful, as right now I just can't think and it's taking all of me to not just selfishly go hermit mode and seal myself away as well to escape it all. I just do not cope well with emotional stress at all, and I'm dreading a shut down when I feel like I owe it to this guy for turning his life upside down due to my sisters actions.
Here'swhat people had to say to OP:
Honestly, you’re wayyyy too involved with this s^%$. Step 100% back from your sister’s ex and take some time to breathe and rethink your priorities. Right now, everything you’re doing is just prolonging the family meltdown. Find something else to occupy your time while the dust settles.
TerrifiedOfLife42 OP responded:
It's kinda hard not to be, as we all essentially live/lived together, I also feel a sense of obligation to look after him as it was my family that's kinda done this to him/me who rather abruptly forced this information on him.
Though I'll be talking to him today about possibly spending some time at a mates place if he's up to it, but it's a hard spot to escape from when you live with it.
I’d just let it be. The ex-fiance is understandably upset due to your sister’s cheating. I wouldn’t read too much into a drunken kiss.
Considering your half-sister is the same age as you & you mention your father being a cheater, I suspect there’s a lot of family drama in the background here.
TerrifiedOfLife42 OP responded:
Pretty much what I'm thinking is the best course rn unless he brings it up when he's sober, I think he's fallen asleep now as I haven't heard anything for a bit, but I think I'm going to urge him to talk to some family or friends tomorrow to see if he can crash there and out of this house.
I think he needs space that's not my family or anything resembling my sister after this. I don't think he has any family nearby, but maybe a friend will be able to help him out even for a few days.
I want to see the movie of your family drama.
TerrifiedOfLife42 OP responded:
Speed run of drama -
Mum & Dad have falling out in marriage while pregnant with me, dad lies to co-worker about it being over, co-worker pities him & they sleep together, gets pregnant with my sister.
Co-worker tries to tell father about pregnancy, is met with my pregnant mother at the door and breaks down crying realizing she was lied to and that she was the other woman. Mother isn't surprised and pities co-worker, father comes home and is confronted by two angry pregnant women.
Mother and co-worker become friends over the ordeal, and guilt/spite weighs on co-worker so she agrees to mothers suggested co-parenting strategy so father can never escape either of them.
Sister and I are born, and are raised together on our fathers weeks, I'm socially awkward and sister is social butterfly, we become great friends and eventually move out together. Sister meets boyfriend through mutual friends, he joins the party we all buy a house together (horrible idea in hindsight.)
Sister cheats on boyfriend with an old mutual of boyfriends who he outed for cheating as he was friends with the guys GF. Old mutual seeks revenge years later. Boyfriend gets drunk and kisses his former girlfriends sister (me).
Then there's grandma, grandma is great is spicy is loving, but grandma is addicted to drama and gossip and while loves her grandkid (me), has a rocky relationship with her daughter (my mother).
Other than the cheating scandals and gran's knack for meddling, there's really nothing more to it, at least that I know of. In all fairness, I think it's pretty mild compared to what some people I know have been through.