'AITA for visiting my ex in jail against the wishes of my girlfriend?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for visiting my ex in jail against the wishes of my girlfriend?"

I live with my girlfriend Molly and have done for the past two years. I love her and since we're both financially stable we're thinking of starting a family together. My ex girlfriend Amy is locked up. She worked in finance, pretty high up, already earning great money but got involved in an illegal scheme to make ''easy money."

Everyone involved has been sentenced. I heard about this and thought it was a shame, but we haven't been together for four years so I had no reason to reach out to her. That was until I received a letter from her in the post, where she told me that all her family and friends had cut her off, and asking if I could be in contact with her purely as a friend, so she has someone she could talk to on the outside.

I agreed and visited her today. Amy's family are upper class types who are obsessed with their ''reputation'' and so cut their ''cr*m*nal'' daughter off. Most of her friends are from the same professional circles as her so they don't want to know her either. I'm her only friend outside the prison. She's a complete wreck of a person.

When she saw me she broke down in tears as I'm the first person who's ever visited her. Amy doesn't belong in there at all. She's going out of her mind with boredom sitting in her cell. While she has been put on some courses they are far below her capability (she has a degree in mathematics and numerous financial certifications, and they're only offering her very basic skills courses).

She has to wear clothes that are usually over/undersized and have been worn by many others before. From what she's said I think she's being b-llied in there too. She's said a lot of the other women ''don't like her'' because apparently she comes across as spoiled and snobby. After the visit she hugged me and thanked me for coming, and I said I'd try to come once a month.

Molly was OK with me seeing Amy beforehand, but when I got home she said she doesn't feel comfortable. She's said if it was anyone else it would be OK, but the fact I'm going out of my way for my ex frightens her. She asked me if I have feelings for Amy which I don't, but that didn't satisfy her and she said she wouldn't feel happy unless I stopped seeing Amy, which I said I wouldn't.

I'm Amy's only friend. Why should I let her sit in that s--thole all alone when I can be there just as a friend to help her through it?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

-Blixx- wrote:

INFO:

You say. Amy doesn’t belong in there at all.

What makes you think that? She obviously does belong in there by a judge and probably jury opinion. Is this a sign you have her on some sort of pedestal? If she asked you to do her a little favor, would you consider it? (Like transfer some money from one of her accounts to another.)

hayefaye16 wrote:

I’m going to join the other commenter who went against the rest: YTA. Your current girlfriend is uncomfortable with you seeing your ex for good reason. If you’re this forgiving of your ex’s transgressions when talking to your girlfriend, it’s very fair of her to be concerned. Amy is a cr*minal and it’s absolutely fair for her friends/family to refuse to support her through that.

You seem to be willfully blind to that fact, which I’m sure is alarming to your girlfriend. I’m also going to second the idea of Amy falling in love with you. You’re running some high risks here and your girlfriend sees that.

Amy’s going to see you as her white knight, the reprieve from prison (where she RIGHTFULLY is) and, along with the fact of your previous relationship, will develop some form of serious attachment. I’d feel threatened if I was your girlfriend, too.

And dude, once a month? That’s excessive. I’d say occasionally, on a relatively in-frequent, semi-regular basis. Like, don’t organize your plans around visiting your criminal ex, only if it works out (and bring your girlfriend). I’m with your girlfriend on this one. It’s toeing the line for sure.

msmozzarella wrote:

Maybe the other women don’t like her because she’s clearly extremely entitled? Having to wear used clothes that aren’t your size and take basic level skills courses isn’t exactly a crisis. And she committed a cr*me, so she does belong in there.

chairtosser wrote:

YTA. The invalidation of your girlfriend's feelings and the prioritising of your criminal ex over her would be enough. But the way you talk about Amy is really suspicious. She does belong in there, she's a cr-minal! It's her fault she's in there, no-one else's; she doesn't get to cry about prison clothes or prison courses because those were all choices she made.

Don't put "criminal" in inverted commas; she is a criminal. Honestly, the way you're trying to downplay that aspect and act like Amy is an angel who did nothing wrong is just massively AH. You do still have feelings for her and your girlfriend's picked up on that.

ricedreamer wrote:

I'm going out on a limb and say YTA to your girlfriend. Visiting Amy and asking for permission from your girlfriend was a good call, but when she felt uncomfortable with it and asked you to not visit Amy you said you wouldn't. Who's more important to you? Your girlfriend you want to start a family with or your ex girlfriend who's a criminal that you haven't seen in four years?

Because if this keeps happening you will drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend. You love her right? Then she should come first. You wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your girlfriend because you love her.

Obviously it's fine to have friends, and it's fine to be friends with exes - but your current partner comes first. Especially if it's that serious. I think you might have unresolved feelings for Amy if you're going out of your way to see an ex girlfriend in prison. It's a bit fishy and your girlfriend has the right to feel uncomfortable about it.

After receiving lots of feedback, OP jumped on with an update.

So Molly and I sat down together and discussed everything. I understood why she was worried, and she understood why I didn't think it was right to leave Amy in that place alone. In the end, I took the advice of one of the comments on the original post. I asked Molly if she'd come with me when visiting Amy. She was very apprehensive but agreed.

Things were obviously awkward at the beginning but they started to chat and got along. Amy was just grateful to have someone come along, and Molly wasn't going to be rude so they hit it off well. Amy opened up about what's happening with her. The place is incredibly run down.

She's in a cell on the top floor, and the window is cracked so it's absolutely freezing at night, and the prison only supply a fairly thin blanket. It's overcrowded and they're putting two people in cells built for one. Amy has to share a tiny cell with a woman who doesn't like her and who controls the cell, hogging the TV and deciding when they turn the lights out and go to sleep.

The food and clothes are awful, and in order to occupy herself Amy must go to basic literacy and numeracy courses which she's completely overqualified for. The alternative to that is sitting in her cell going mad with boredom. Amy was crying her eyes out but tried to hide it because if the others see her they'll think she's weak.

She's not had any problems with anyone but apparently some of the others make fun of her ''posh'' accent. Her parents, friends or family haven't made any effort to contact her. Molly was an absolute star.

She hugged Amy while she cried and reassured her. I wasn't expecting this at all but was so proud. She said she'll be happy to be her friend if she needs one.

They shared a few jokes too and chatted about fashion and things like that.

Amy even promised she'd give her some of her designer stuff as a thank you when she gets out. In the end Molly hugged Amy goodbye and promised we'd visit again. Later Molly admitted that she was still a bit unsure over the fact that this was my ex, but she admitted that she could see how much Amy needs friends and people to support her.

She thinks it's the right thing to do to see her as much as we can. Amy will be released in mid 2023 so we said we'd see her once every couple of months if we can. Thanks for the advice on the original post. Very much appreciated.

The internet did not hold back.

StarDust68 wrote:

Thanks for the update. Molly sounds incredibly kind and compassionate. Please be careful. I want to believe that Amy is truly remorseful and doesn't have any friends. Unfortunately there is probably some truth that she is manipulative.

She was able to compartmentalize her feelings when she committed her crimes. She has a long time before she gets out and could be setting you and Molly up for the long game. Be kind, but don't be fooled.

loudent2 wrote:

I still get the feeling that Amy's selling you both a bill of goods. There's usually a reason friends and family cut off contact and it's not likely the reason Amy is giving you. She's worked her way down the list of people she can use until she got to an ex-bf she hasn't seen in 4 years.

Watintheforest wrote:

I would highly recommend contacting some of her friends or family. Find out if they cut her off just for being locked up, or something else. If it's something else, you know to be on your guard. Even if she is a manipulator, she's not completely devoid of humanity and still deserves a little sympathy.

misseselise wrote:

You’re acting like she deserves to be treated like a queen while in prison. I can understand why your girlfriend is hesitant. She knew what she was doing was illegal, she’s playing a “poor me” card to get y’all to feel bad about her being behind bars. Be careful. Don’t buy her anything. Don’t let her manipulate you into breaking the rules.