'AITA for wanting better etiquette from my husband? He gets impatient and leaves without me.' UPDATED
"AITA for wanting better etiquette from my husband?"
My husband and I have been together for 20 or so years. He’s a genuinely good man, great husband, loving parent, loyal friend. I feel fortunate that we are still in love after all this time. We have kind of a bestie vibe going, we really like to do things together whether it’s errands, shopping, cooking, impromptu adventures.
Sometimes our teen is along with us but sometimes not as he has a growing social life. We had dinner out tonight and when our enjoyable meal was over and we had paid the check, he got up from the table and walked out, leaving me (and our leftovers) at the table. I’m always slightly slower to get up. He does this a lot and it really bothers me.
Am I wrong to want him to stand at the table and wait two seconds so we can walk out together? Also when we are out together or as a family he will often walk ahead of me instead of next to me, for example when we get out of the car in the church parking lot on Sunday mornings and walk to the church, I’m often left trailing behind. I have long legs and I’m not a slow walker.
I’m not ugly or weird or embarrassing, and he’s not some degenerate who doesn’t know better. So what is this about? When I’ve brought it up casually in the past he brushes it off or deflects, but I now feel like we need to have an actual conversation about it. AITA here? And how do I go about broaching this without having to deal with an overly defensive reaction?
The internet had a lot of thoughts to share.
Far_Quantity_6133 wrote:
NTA. Thankfully, if your relationship is so solid, you should be able to bring this up to your husband without offending him. Just explain how it makes you feel when he leaves without you or walks far ahead of you.
He most likely isn’t doing this on purpose and is either a fast walker or someone who zeroes in on “the destination” and loses focus of his surroundings because of it. (I know people like this who don’t mean to abandon people but just do it without thinking).
OP responded:
He is totally about “the destination.” Thank you for this perspective.
WaterWitch009 wrote:
So, I had a husband who lacked what I thought of as manners, too. If I brought it up, he declared those things were unimportant. It wasn’t until I reframed it as “these are things that make me feel loved and considered” that I got through to him and he started making changes. So maybe reframe the discussion?
OP responded:
Yeah, this exactly. He does a lot of other thoughtful things. I’m starting to see it as kind of a “love languages” situation.
1962Michael wrote:
NTA. He is wrong to just leave without you. It’s strange. It seems like he maybe complained about you being too slow in the past?? And so he makes a point not waiting?? Otherwise I don’t get it. Also, is it “our” leftovers or “your” leftovers? Another possibility is if he doesn’t want to wait for containers, etc. If he doesn’t take his own leftovers, feel free to leave them.
OP responded:
I'm actually not a slow walker. Slow to pop up from a dinner table I guess. We had Indian, started with an appetizer which we finished, then shared two dishes & talked about having plenty left for dinner tomorrow as well.
ellbogen wrote:
My husband of 14 years does the same thing, because he’s hard ADHD. I swear it gives him physical pain to stand still lol. You should be able to talk to him about it, let him know it bothers you.
OP responded:
Yeah I didn’t want to publicly diagnose him but “hard ADHD” is about as accurate as it gets.
Four days later, OP shared an update.
UPDATE: I really appreciated all the comments, ideas, and feedback. When I brought this topic up the next day it did not feel particularly well received and I was frustrated with myself for not being more articulate and with him for not being more open to conversation. I chalked it up as needing to be revisited in the near future.
But we went away overnight with our son two days later and I stopped counting examples of changed behavior at 7 or 8. From checking into the hotel to walking around town, dining out twice, walking to the beach & back multiple times, we walked together, he held doors, and even said to my son at one point, “hang on, we’re going to wait for Mom.”
And my dear teen, without any prompting at all, scooped up leftovers of something he and I shared at lunch before we left that restaurant. I did thank my husband repeatedly when he waited a beat for me…some verbally, some with just a smile. If this lasts I’ll be thrilled and he does not seem to mind one bit.
The internet was happy to hear the update.
Dana07620 wrote:
I'd use that trait to have him cool / heat the car before I got there. Given that it's Florida, mostly we're talking about having the air conditioning on and the car fully cooled.
SnooPets8873 wrote:
My dad had this habit, so impatient to get to the destination or so deep in thought that he didn’t realize he’d darted ahead. Then he and my mom went on a trip that included group touring and the other members of the group apparently interpreted it as some cultural misogynistic practice (they are of Indian/pakistani ethnicity).
The group started “encouraging” my mom with comments like “you know, you can walk right alongside us, you don’t need to walk three steps behind” or “I was so glad to see you taking your time at the shop, you know this is your vacation too!”
And so on. Once she realized what they were getting at, she explained to my dad what the rest of the group thought and how humiliating it was that they were believing this about them because he was so careless. I guess he was really embarrassed too and started making an effort to slow down/pay attention.
crafty_and_kind wrote:
HOORAY FOR UNDRAMATIC UPDATES!! I freaking love it when the OP has a real but fairly minor problem that they’re seeking advice about, and then they come back to tell us that progress is being made!