Girlfriend demands boyfriend block family after mother’s $2,500 deceit. AITA?
"AITA for wanting my boyfriend to block his family?"
Typical-Deer1788
So I (26) have been with my boyfriend (34) for a year and a half. I have met his family maybe four times total. It’s always been cordial but he has told me that there is a history of his mom being emotionally abusive to him as well as his sister, and his Dad is pretty complacent.
I think his Dad enables them, but that’s my opinion. Also, his Mom has a gambling problem that their Dad funds and that has resulted in multiple family bankruptcies in the past.
A couple of weeks ago, I went over to their house to talk about moving into a new apartment with my boyfriend. While I was there I was stressed about if we were to move because I knew the financial burden would be mostly on me and it gave me anxiety. They were comforting and that visit was fine; we ended up not moving.
Fast forward to this past Friday. My boyfriend’s Mom called him on his drive home from work, and we went on a walk after. On this walk, he told me his Mom called him and asked me for $2,500.00 and was freaking out about it because the water heater at their house exploded and she was the only one around and the plumbers needed the money.
Obviously, since she isn’t MY Mom and I barely know them, I said no and told him to call his Dad. Before he could, his Mom was blowing up his phone, so he picked up another call during our walk where she was just asking why I wouldn’t give her the money and why we wouldn’t help her.
My bf asked her if she wanted to talk to me, because it was my money, and she said no she wouldn’t talk to me she just needed the money. After she hung up (angrily) he called his Dad like I said he should, and well… his dad was HOME.
Which deeply pi$$ed us off, because obviously his Mom was lying to us. We figured she probably gambled the money, which isn’t crazy to think because of her financial history.
Long story short, this resulted in a horrible weekend where my boyfriend’s Mom, sister and Dad continued lying more and more to cover this up, his Mom throwing a fit and disowning him then regretting it and apologizing to him a million times.
The money ended up being bail for a family member but I really don’t even care what it was for at this point. I think after treating me this way and for treating him badly, they need to be cut out of his life.
My boyfriend is saying he’ll distance himself but not fully cut them out. And, because there is no hard boundary being set, we are five days into this and his Mom texted ME today saying “Sorry for how we treated (name of boyfriend) and how that made you feel” which like… she should probably apologize for asking me for thousands of dollars and not for how I feel, but okay.
I’m so angry and they don’t seem to care that we’re just trying to work/live a peaceful life. If I’m the one who needs the reality check I’ll take it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
RadicalBuns
YTA, but just to fit the format on this site, not actually. You have no right to dictate your BFs relationship with his parents. He was the one that suffered their abuse, he is the one still entangled in their cycles of addiction and toxicity.
He needs to be the one to end that relationship and it needs to be his decision, if its your ask that breaks contact then uncertainty will consume him and bitterness will grow.
You however, are not obligated to be a party to that abuse. I would advise blocking his family on your phone, social media, email, ect. Don't open any letters, just save them in a box in your closet should legal stuff come up.
Don't link your finances to his and be crystal clear on why you don't feel comfortable doing so. Establish an agreement for rent and bills payment that is equitable and fair and do not let him dodge that agreement due to his families requests.
Basically, protect yourself from his family, don't do anything that sits wrong with you to please them or them through your bf. Communicate the boundaries and reasons for creating them clearly and preferably in writing. But don't force your bf try to address his own trauma, just leave him if he starts to project it on you toxically.
The OP responded here:
Typical-Deer1788
Thanks, I agree. I think I just needed outsiders to tell me I don’t get to choose whether or not his family is in his life. It’s hard, because my motive is I just want them to stop taking advantage of him and manipulating him into feeling like he owes them something; but at the same time, it’s not my job or place to cut them out of his world, even if me wanting that is to protect him.
I just hope they keep proving they can’t handle the responsibility of having his contact information so that he sees they aren’t serving him. The extent of what he has said they put him through growing up really hurts me.
But you’re all right that it’s not my place to cut them out even if I don’t want them in my life. I’m worried about holidays, and just the future in general, but hopefully this whole situation calms down if I just let it go.
seregil42
You're not an AH for not wanting to see his family again and you wouldn't be an AH if you told your boyfriend that you will refuse to see them anymore. However, your boyfriend gets to decide whether he needs to cut them out of his life or not.
With that said, you DO get to choose how you want to proceed with this relationship, knowing that dealing with his family will be part of the deal. I'll say NAH for now.
NoSalamander7749
Hmm, ESH I think. Obviously, his mom is struggling badly with her addiction and the two of you are paying some of the grief price for that, and that's wrong of her to do. I don't think there's anyone that would argue that her actions are fine.
However, asking your boyfriend to completely cut off contact with his family IS out of line. He said he'd distance himself. No contact is not easy and it's especially not easy to just jump into cold turkey.
A boundary is a personal thing, therefore him cutting contact his not your boundary to set. You can encourage your boyfriend to stand up for himself, draw his own boundaries, go to therapy about it, whatever, but you can't force him to go no-contact and you would be out of line to ask.
5GofProtein
I don't know why you'd continue to date someone who wants to overlook this terrible behavior.