'AITA for wanting my husband to notice the trash is full on his own?'
"AITA for wanting my husband to notice the trash is full on his own?"
When we first got together, we talked about responsibilities in the home. I told him that I am very happy to "make the sandwiches" if he would happily take out the trash. So we sort of agreed that traditional roles are nice, though we both work full time, (I am gone from the house, 50 hours per week and he 60) so sometimes we don't stick to them strictly.
I noticed after a while of being with him that he doesn't in fact, take out the trash. He lets it pile high. Me and the kids take care of the dogs/poop scooping and chickens/ yard work (because he works OT we pick that up without an issue) But I think he can do that one little task of taking out the trash without delay or issue.
He seems unable to notice it is full on his own. (bearing in mind the trash is in a high traffic area, that he passes several times a day) HE thinks that even when it's full, I should just "simply", ASK him to take it out. Then he *says* he will take it out.
But I tried asking him, and he still often forgets, procrastinates or neglects to take it out. Sometimes, when I ask him, he will take it out. I'd say its 35% of the time doing it immediately, when I have asked, 65% of the time, procrastinating... And if I don't ask, it doesn't get done by him at all.
I personally don't feel like, I need to notice it for him and ask him to do it. I do not want to have to ask him, and I have told him this. Sometimes I will gather it up and tie up the bag, thinking it will be a *hint hint*... Well this morning, he says loudly "who TF ties up the trash bag and just LEAVES IT THERE!?"
And I told him, "I tied it up, hoping that you would take it out." He then again insisted that I just ask him to take it out. I told him that I don't want to have to ask him. He is a full grown man. He has eyes just like I do, and he should take out the trash. I told him that in general, women don't want to have to do your thinking for you. Women want a man to be a man, take charge and just handle it. He tells me I am wrong, that women are happy to ask their husbands every time. Women think that's just fine. Its just me who is 'making a big deal' about it.
I made this reddit for him to see, is it me who is the asshole? Is he right? Should it be up to me, his wife to be the one to realize the trash is ready to be taken out? and ASK him to do it each time, like I do my children?? Or should he just be a responsible adult and partner and realize it and do it himself? Please let him know.
This post isn't about taking out the trash, it is about whether or not the man should notice on his own/perform household responsibilities on his own, without relying on his wife/mentally burdening his wife with this trivial bs. I told him I am tired of doing the thinking for everyone all the time. He can notice the trash on his own. Who is the ahole?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
AncientDragonn said:
NTA. Housekeeping is more than just the individual tasks. Beyond what's mentioned above there's also the knowledge, skills training and timing of each individual task within the broader household rotation. Because women are still expected to own the mental work of managing a home, the 50/50 split of chores still leaves women doing 80-90% of the housework in families.
NeedBatteries29 said:
Your husband doesn’t speak for me or any other woman. We do NOT want to have to ask you each time. Why are so many men bred to believe this sh$t? NTA, and update us please!
Antelope_31 said:
NTA. I’m all for direct communication and asking for what you want but this seems to lean towards weaponized incompetence on his part. Even if he has adhd or the like, then he should be scheduling timers or leaving himself post its or whatever to get the jobs done.
You shouldn’t have to play games to get him to do it or just do all the work. He needs to take responsibility for pitching in for the division of labor agreed upon. He generates trash, he eats food, he wears clothes, he lives there. He needs to start holding himself accountable for showing up as an adult in these areas. You aren’t his mom.
BeardManMichael said:
NTA. Certain household chores should not require verbal communication all of the time. I understand the question you're asking but this dynamic you're talking about has very little to do with gender. Any two partners should be able to figure this out, like you said, WITHOUT constantly asking for it to get done.
The policy in my household and my friends households is that if you notice the problem, you fix the problem. Dirty dishes? Clean the dishes. Trash bag is full? Take out the trash. It can be that simple and it sounds like you want it to be that simple. I hope your husband can see this and step up to the plate, so to speak.
squirrelsareevil2479 said:
NTA. You should initiate a conversation about why is unable to make such a simple decision that the trash needs taking out. Ask him if he's having trouble with other aspects of his life and not being able to manage simple tasks. You should make it about his inability rather than you needing to manage him.
Why does he need someone to instruct him on one of life's simplest chores? Is this spilling over into his work that he's unable to understand his tasks? Ask him to explain all of this to you about how he is unable to function independently in all parts of his life or just in the ones he doesn't want to do.
1962Michael said:
NTA. My wife and I never had to "declare" which chores, other than I said from the beginning that if she cooks I'd be more than happy to do the dishes. Once I figured out that she likes me to take out the trash, I do it. Ours is under the sink in the kitchen. I take it out 2-4 times a week, as needed. I run the dishwasher every night and empty it before breakfast.
Where I fall down "noticing" is the dusting/vacuuming. I just don't notice it being bad (we have 2 cats and she hates the cat hair everywhere). In that case I'm kind of like your husband, happy to do whatever she asks me to do, but I'm not a mind reader. EDIT TO ADD due to comments: It's not my chore to dust and vacuum. We clean the house together on weekends. Sometimes we're both too busy, and we skip the spare bedroom or whatever. I follow her lead because that's what works for us.
Your H getting mad that you tied up the garbage for him instead of asking him to take it out is just infantile. He wants to feel like a hero every time he does a simple household task. Major "participation trophy" vibes.