'AITA for wanting my wife to leave a job she loves?'
'AITA for wanting my wife to leave a job she loves?'
My wife and I are both women in our early 30s but I am the only one with a full time job and career. She is currently a part time barista and spends all her free time smoking wd.
10 years ago, when we first started dating, she worked two service jobs to support us while I was in college. Once I graduated, I immediately found a full time job and have stayed in that career ever since.
Eventually she became tired of full time service work so she decided to go to back to school and I agreed to financially support us in that time. The plan was for her to finish her degree in 2 years, get a full time job in her field, and then we could save enough money to move. But that didn’t happen.
She kept dropping classes, started smoking more and more weed, couldn’t manage her time. 4 years passed, and she was only 1 semester away from graduating but she couldn’t finish because of her inability to stay organized and focused. The schoolwork overwhelmed her and her main coping mechanisms are to avoid and get high.
Since it is clear that she is not going to finish school, I have asked her repeatedly over the last year to get a full time job. It’s been 4 years and I am tired of having no money for myself, and constantly having to go into debt to afford our expenses. For example, she had a root canal last year that cost $1,500. I had to put it on a credit card and I still havent paid it off.
She has a part time job as a barista at a local coffee shop making $16 /hr plus tips. It’s 25 hours a week. In my opinion, it’s not nearly enough to adequately help support us but she LOVES the job. It’s fun and laid back. All her coworkers are super chill 22 year olds and they listen to music all day and have fun making drinks. Of course she loves it. Who wouldn’t?
But I keep telling her that it’s not enough money and that I want her to find a full time job with a better salary. She refuses and says that she wants to become a manager at the coffee shop instead. But the thing is that the manager position is only a $1 raise and 30 hrs a week.
It’s really not much more money. And who knows when a manager position will be open? And if they’ll wanna give it to her? But she refuses to budge. Meanwhile, all of the financial burden falls on me and she is totally okay with that. So long as she gets to have fun at work and then come home and smoke a bunch of weed, nothing else really matters to her I guess.
I’m so angry with this situation, it wasn’t the plan when we got married. It was supposed to be 50/50.
Now I feel like I’m condemned to forever struggling financially to support us or divorcing and then I’d have to pay her alimony probably because she refuses to find better work. I feel like I am the only adult in the marriage and that I’m married to a selfish person.
Am I the asshole for wanting her to quit the job that she loves and find a better one so that we can be more financially secure?
Let's see what readers thought:
agahy writes:
NTA. Sounds like your wife is 30 going on 16. She needs to grow up and face reality that the life style she wants to live isn't sustainable.
oplou writes:
NTA but it sounds more like her smoking weed too much and lack of a budget / contributing appropriately to the household finances are the problem. If she loves her job, talk with her about finding additional work/income so she is contributing. She can prefer part-time work and supplement with gig income or an additional part-time job.
Also make a budget for household expenses (shared) and for her fun money and your fun money, and an emergency fund for things like a root canal. So figure out how much money you need as a family, then bare minimum she needs to be contributing to the household, and come up with a reasonable timeframe for her to reach that.
She doesn’t need to earn as much as you, most households have somewhat uneven income, some have super uneven income levels. It sucks but can be navigated. Loving your work is important, but so is making sure that the household is taken care of and no one person is getting overburdened.
creapty writes:
Definitely NTA. Your wife is being very selfish. At her age she should not be smoking that much weed. She needs to go to rehab and start treating this marriage like the partnership it is.
She needs to understand she’s not a college kid anymore. She’s an adult in her 30’s. Almost all adults work jobs they don’t love because they know it’s necessary.
If she won’t get clean and get a better full time job you’ll need to cut her off financially. She pays for her weed, medical bills, trips to the bar, going to the salon, etc. anything that isn’t necessary to live. You have to force her hand so you can enjoy life too and save money.
However this approach is risky for your relationship. I think you need to reevaluate if you want a future with her the way she is now. Don’t wait 10 years to decide, get out while you’re still young enough.