'AITA for wanting to leave my wife if she adopts her nieces and nephew?' UPDATED

"AITA for thinking about leaving my wife because she is adopting her nieces and nephew?"

So I've known my wife for 9 years, we dated for 5, and we've been married for just under 6 months. She comes from an insanely toxic family, she was emancipated at 16 and to this day refuses to speak to any of her family. They are all addicted to meth and her sister to meth + anything she can get her hands on.

Her sister has 3 kids, ages 9 months (F), 6 years (M), and 13 years (F). My wife began taking care of these children when the first was born when she was only 7 years old because no one else would. For whatever reason CPS never took the kids away despite near constant monitoring and the last my wife knew of these kids was 3 years ago when she permanently cut her family off.

Her parents always assumed she would adopt any children her sister produced (this actually was the beginning of the rift that led to her cutting her parents off) and were never shy about it. When we started dating (She was 15, I was 17) I told her that if she adopted those kids then the relationship wouldn't work out because if I am having kids they are going to need to be my own

(EDIT: My mind was going at a million miles per hour when I typed this. This is not an all-encompassing statement. When I typed it I was focused on my current situation. I would not be opposed to marrying someone with kids already, I just expected to never raise these children and I do not want to.) . She agreed and said she had no desire to ever adopt those kids.

I will just get to the point, so out of the blue last week she tells me that she feels guilty about leaving the children behind and she is planning on reaching out to her sister to formally adopt them. I told her hell no, I made it clear very early on that I do not want to raise those kids.

She told me that she assumed I would "grow out of it" and accept them. We argued and have been arguing over and over for days now about her decision. She has since reached out to her sister and has started the process of adopting the children. The youngest one only got out of prenatal ICU 5 months ago due to the mother's incessant abuse of drugs during pregnancy.

I am 22, she is 20. I think even if I wanted to adopt these kids I would still want to say no due to our age and financial situation (She works at a make up store, I work at a grocery store) I haven't straight up told her that I am planning on leaving yet but I've already told my parents that if she doesn't stop then that is my plan. Am I the a$$hole here?

HappyFriday123 said:

NAH - you cannot expect her to leave those poor kids in that situation and if You do manage to talk her into not adopting them and something happens to one of those kids she will resent you for it. Talking her out if it would be the wrong thing to do. You may need to just respectfully bow out, not her fault or yours, you just want different things from life.

Gingersalad622 said:

NAH. Everyone has their limits to things. You would not be comfortable with her doing that, and that’s always been how you felt. She also clearly cares about them and it’s what she wants. I think you should talk and try to find a solution before thinking divorce, though.

JerseyShoreWebDev said:

NAH. Your wife wants to do right by her sister's kids, and you want to have kids of your own. It'd be easy for someone to say you should just man up and adopt them, but you're looking at a lifetime of issues that you had nothing to do with.

It takes a very special person to adopt, and adopting a child who you know is likely to have issues is doubly so. If you don't have it in you, then you don't. Personally, though, I would ask myself if she's doing this to ignore your wishes or because she can't imagine these kids being cut loose. If it's the latter, maybe you can reconsider your stance.

HereticalMessiah said:

NAH - I wanted to say you were an asshole...however, you’ve already told her how you feel about this. I understand how she feels but this isn’t her responsibility. This isn’t something she HAS to do and it sounds like the reason she is doing it is because it’s expected of her. You will be an asshole if you don’t inform her of your intentions and discuss this thoroughly with her.

Additionally, you guys are too young to take on this type of responsibility. These kids need a family who can emotionally and financially support them.

abcdddddddd said:

NAH. You shouldn't be expected to stay in a relationship if you don't want the kids. However, what your wife is doing is going to change their lives for the better. I have to commend her for that.

monkaSS1 said:

NTA, you can't adopt them. With your age and financial status you will make your life miserable and the kids life won't be good either. If your wife can't see that I'm afraid you might have to leave her. Plus, she started adopting them while you guys were still discussing it... I'm sorry for the kids, I really am, but I'm sure there are better options. Good luck with everything and I hope you guys work this out.

Several weeks after his original post, OP shared this update:

I talked with my wife that night about my plans and about what she was doing. A commenter pointed out the irony of her cutting off her parents for determining her life while she was doing the same to me, I pointed this out to her and she became angry telling me that it wasn't the same thing.

We argued about this for awhile before dropping it and addressing other issues. We argued about 2ish hours and then decided to drop it for the night and talk about it again when we weren't so fired up.

I could go on and on about the conversations we had the next day but eventually we both mutually decided that it would be best if we separated for the time being. At that point I was unable to get her to stop pursuing the kids and I had made it clear at the beginning of the relationship it wasn't going to work out.

I moved back in with my parents and we both have been looking for someone to take over our apartment lease. If this was the end of the story I honestly wouldn't have made an update. On Thursday though she called me while I was at work and left a voicemail that I couldn't comprehend other than just crying noises. Instead of calling back I went to the apartment to talk to her.

When I got there she broke down and said that she didn't know what to do. She informed me that she had continued to talk to her sister and parents and instead of being happy for the kids they're actively guilting her for not doing this sooner. In addition to that she's taken the kids out a few times to try to get to know them again and it's gone less than stellar (in her words).

Apparently the oldest doesn't seem to like her and refuses to even look at her, the middle child is shy and doesn't really want to interact, and the youngest is impossible to deal with because she is constantly crying.

She's been over to her parents house (where her sister also lives, I don't think I mentioned that in the original post) every day since we last saw each other and she tells me that every day she goes over there she feels worse and worse. She told me that she no longer feels the strong urge to adopt the children like she did before.

Since that day I have semimoved back into the apartment. I told her that my decision when it comes to the children is unchanged, I don't want any part of that mess despite feeling awful for the kids. She agreed and said she never meant to force me to live my life a certain way, she just feels extremely guilty about the whole situation with them.

I talked to her about possibly getting CPS involved and she said that she didn't want to do that because despite their upbringing the kids love their mom and grandparents and she thinks it would do more harm than good. I personally disagree, but if I wasn't willing to raise them I feel like I shouldn't push the issue.