'AITA for telling my BF I don't like his music taste in front of his friends?' UPDATED

"AITA for what I (26F) said to my BF (28M) in front of his friends?"

A little background: We've been going out since high school, and have a very joke-y relationship, poking fun for the most part isn't out of the question, though if one of us says we aren't comfortable with one of the jokes the other makes an effort not to make it again- for the most part (more context coming).

I have been a bit of an obsessive fan of music artist since I was 14. I have more than one tattoo inspired by this artist and her aesthetic, I have seen her in concert multiple times, I own more merch than I can say, and have run several different fan accounts devoted to her during this time.

I understand this is weird, I try not to bring it up in everyday conversation because I am aware- it is weird. Most people who know me in passing do not know this about me, and only my best friend and my boyfriend know about my fan accounts. I am not the person who talks about this artist constantly.

I am not the person who is annoying in large groups about it, (anymore, there was a learning curve when I was in high school but losing friends is a great motivator to fix yourself). My boyfriend has on and off made jokes about this since we got together. Admittedly, whenever I bring up that it makes me feel insecure and unsafe expressing myself around him, he stops for a while.

But he always starts up again, and it just bothers me. I can't fully explain it, but it makes me feel like the things I like are somehow inherently bad, and that he wants me to stop having this interest because he doesn't see value in it. Now he's never said that, and I don't genuinely believe that, but that's how he makes me feel.

An example: I had been cleaning dishes, and listening to her music when he came into the kitchen and started singing along in the most high-pitched, off-key falsetto voice I had ever heard, before busting up and turning it off and saying something like "I don't see how you listen to this crap."

This was one of the times I told him that he had hurt my feelings, he apologized, explained that he had only meant it as a lighthearted joke, and that he didn't care what kind of music I listened to.

I don't really get mad over this, it more just hurts my feelings.

Context out of the way, we were out at dinner with his friends, and their girlfriends. and I had left to go to the bathroom, and came back to him showing them a video on his phone, and the audio was familiar right away.

It was a performance from over a decade ago that was panned pretty universally. They were all laughing and he was making a lot of jokes, until he noticed I had gone quiet, and said to lighten up. I tried to smile, but he wouldn't drop it, and I said: "I don't like your music either, but I would never make fun of you for it, you know that?"

It was a quiet meal, and ride home, and he is now barely talking to me. Two of the girlfriends there said I made everything awkward, and that I was being unfair because we always made jokes with each other. AITA?

Commenters were honest and opinionated.

Virtual-Equivalent27 wrote:

NTA. Isn't it interesting how someone says or does something hurtful and once the other person reacts badly, they start going on about how it was just a joke and you're a bore for not getting it. Jokes are supposed to be funny. You told him several times you are not comfortable with him poking at your favourite artist.

Which is understandable. He promises he won't do it anymore and he then breaks his promise time and again. He knows how it bothers you and he just doesn't care. And the fact that you have fan accounts and tattoos inspired by your favourite artist doesn't justify him disrespecting your wishes.

Ijustcantwithit wrote:

OP, one of my favourite movie series is considered truly one of the worst series ever made. In truth, it really is. I don’t actually enjoy them because they are good quality movies with quality scripts, story’s or characters, but because it helps me when I’m in a depressive funk. I’m almost 29. I should NOT still watch these movies the way I do, near monthly. But they help me.

I shared them with my bf. He has watched them several times with me. He has NEVER once mocked me for it. In fact, when I’m in a funk, HE puts them on.

NTA and you need someone more supportive.

OP wrote:

When I was in High School it was bad. Stan territory. I've cooled off a lot as I've gotten older, partially with maturity, and partially because I realized not all thoughts have to be outside thoughts, lol. I do listen to her music a lot, more often than not with headphones because I don't like to disturb him, but whenever I'm cleaning or cooking my mostly-her playlist is on the speaker.

He uses it for his own music when it's his turn. Managing the accounts? Not much. Most of mine got deleted over the years and the two I still manage don't post very often, unless she's in the news, which isn't super often usually, but, again to be fair the last couple months she has been really active, so there has been a bit more time put in.

I don't force him to go to concerts or anything, if he doesn't want to go, he doesn't. One ticket is cheaper than two anyway. He's gone a couple of times, and admits that her visuals and such are stunning even if the music isn't to his taste. He did get sick of me during her last album drop, (over a year ago now, and to be honest- fair.)

I bought him a couple things related to his interests he had been drooling over and took him out to dinner as an apology because I knew I got annoying around that time- I was just too damn excited to stop. Like I would try, but sometimes it was like that scene in mean girls. Word Vomit. I'm normally no where near that bad, I make a conscious effort not to be annoying, lol.

ParsimoniousSalad wrote:

NTA. He's not joking. He is belittling you because he doesn't respect your music or your fandom. He's making a point to bring others into his "jokes" who don't know the full story so when you react negatively it will seem to them that you are the one in the wrong, "making things awkward."

You know he played that video so that you would walk in on them all laughing at someone you love (and by extension you), right? Not only does he not respect you and your hobby, he's being really mean to you about it. On purpose.

shoutingniece wrote:

I'd say NTA specifically because you've told that you feel uncomfortable with him making jokes about it and he went and made the joke in front of his friends and their girlfriends. Honestly I'd have a sit down and tell him how you feel and where you stand and take the situation from there but it is quite disrespectful of your feeling the way he disregards them.

"My boyfriend has on and off made jokes about this since we got together. Admittedly, whenever I bring up that it makes me feel insecure and unsafe expressing myself around him, he stops for a while. But he always starts up again, and it just bothers me."

OP responded:

Yeah, that's how I see it, because I wouldn't get upset about much 'worse' jokes about other things. I've told him that I'd honestly rather him call me fat, or ugly or something as a joke, because at least that is surface level, and I know it isn't true, so it can be pretty funny.

But going after someone who has inspired me, and someone who has been so influential in my life is really upsetting for me. I don't mean to be a nag at all, but like, whenever he does it, it just feels like he's looking at who I am and saying it's worthy of being mocked.

AdvantageJunior7890 wrote:

I had to stop hanging out with my best friend for a similar reason. In group settings she would always bring up embarrassing stories from the past - like 20 years ago. Everyone does stupid stuff, but it was mine she brought up.

She admitted she did this to get laughs and make herself feel less socially awkward. She said she would stop. I tried to include her in new friendships, but she couldn’t break this habit when alcohol was involved. If she drank, my stupid college antics were being brought up even after this conversation.

I’ve been in a relationship for three years with a great guy and she has only met him a couple of times when no drinking was involved. I realized she won’t stop this behavior and I don’t want it to be a part of my future. I have lc/nc now and I’m sure she wonders why. I’m not explaining it again - trust and feeling of mutual respect are needed to be in a friendship. I hope you find peace in this situation OP.

OP jumped on with another comment giving context:

Before I start, I really don't want to name the artist, because she's slightly controversial, and that isn't what the post is about, lol. But when it comes to his interests, he's a big gamer, and loves Youtube. We're also both massive children who love adult animation. He got me really into MeatCanyon, and we listen to every new CreepCast episode together.

I'm sorry, I know I'm giving specifics mostly because I realize that saying "related to his interests" makes me sound like I don't know him at all. I just didn't think the specifics were important right now. His music taste is...pretty diametrically opposed to mine.

It's not bad by any means, and I have added a couple of my favorites to my Spotify over time, but it mostly makes me stressed out, whereas he says it calms him down. I don't mind him playing it, I would feel hypocritical if I did.

I've only ever gone to one concert with him, but mostly because he doesn't go often, he's more of a house party than a concert guy, because he can be the 'Playlist Dictator', lol.

I don't want to/intend to dump him over this. This is the only problem we have in our relationship, period. He doesn't do it often, and is really nice about it whenever we talk. I know I probably should have waited until we were alone, but I couldn't play it off well.

I do agree that there's a chance he's bringing it up again because of her being more active in the circuits right now, making me a bit more engaged. I don't think he's the devil for it if that's the case, but I wish he would say something to me instead of about me.

Because I can use the same tactics I use for people I'm less close with if that's what he needs to feel more comfortable, and keep it to myself, but whenever we've talked about it in the past he's told me that he wants me to feel okay talking to him about it.

I think when we talk I'll bring that up, because again, it's not like I'm mad, or anything, if he doesn't want me to talk about it, all he had to do was ask, and it's done. I'm not unreasonable.

Three weeks later, OP shared an update.

So, a lot of people private messaged me and helped me work through everything regarding my now ex, including being a shoulder to cry on when I realized it wasn't going to work out, and I guess I felt I owed them an update if they were interested.

Not to mention the great advice I received in the comments on the original. I am deeply thankful to so many of them, a few in particular who disagreed with my take also helped me see where he may have been coming from and helped me to figure out how I was going to talk to him about everything.

So I did apologize for bringing it up publicly, I know that many people disagreed with me that I should, but personally, I've always been the type to want to handle any grievances I may have with a loved one privately, rather than publicly, and I didn't like that fact that I allowed myself to break that rule, around his friends no less.

He thanked me for that but really didn't want to dig into why he felt the need to make a joke out of it. I asked if it was because I had been bringing her/her music up more than usual, due to her being active in the media currently, but he denied this.

Still, I continued to press, explaining that we needed to move past this one way or another because if he continued to mock/ridicule my interests it was going to make me slowly resent him, something I really didn't want, but couldn't deny would happen if he continued to act like a bully.

Eventually, after a lot of pressure, he explained that this had all started because he had complained to his friends privately about me last year, during the lead-up to her album release.

They didn't like the fact that I was a fan of this artist and made some political assumptions about her based on her lyrical content from over ten years ago, teasing boyfriend for having a 'wannabe trad-wife girlfriend' and other things that he was resentful of, including but not limited to asking if I had daddy issues, or if I had a history of sleeping with older men.

I am heavily sanitizing the language used, because some of what was said was disgusting, honestly. Basically, it boiled down to him trying to shame me into not liking the artist anymore so he wouldn't have to deal with his friends anymore, rather than just shutting them down.

I couldn't be in a relationship like that, I just couldn't. The fact that every time I had felt awful about myself and my interests for the past year and just thought I was being oversensitive to a joke- it was actually the point to make me feel bad? It destroyed any hope I had for the relationship.

I won't lie, I've been pretty heartbroken. The breakup was shortly after the first post and I've just gotten around to updating, so yeah, no big blowout with dramatics, no secret affair, or anything, just a man trying to make me feel small because he didn't know how to tell his friends to piss off. Boring, but depressing af.

The commenters offered OP support.

unknownfena wrote:

Those guys sound like bunch of teens. 😭

OP responded:

I know! It was shocking to me to hear all of that, and again his language was not as delicate as mine, it was sl-t-shame-y, and honestly kind of misogynistic.

Neither of which I was expecting from him, especially considering I was a virgin when we got together- like sl-t-shaming is never okay, don't get me wrong, but to have that kind of crap come out of the mouth of the only person I've ever slept with is weird.

Illustrious_Bird9234 wrote:

Okay I have to know who is this mfn singer

OP responded:

I guess it doesn't really matter now, haha, it's Lana Del Rey.

509414 wrote:

I am a left leaning feminist and I love Lana Del Rey- I find her music artistic, dark and disturbing and sad, but the tunes are brilliant, the stories she tells are poetic and tragic.

People have this stigma about her glamorising ab-se, but she never really glamorises it IMO, she just sings about things that make people uncomfortable- but censoring her music doesn’t make these things go away. I love Lana so much!

calpikochu wrote:

Ah as someone who had an aggressive one direction phase in middle school, I get it. I was deeply invested, still am in a way, and I think “fan girl” culture is something that is stigmatized and portrays us as crazy, losers, or dumb. This is something that’s supposedly “embarrassing” and others perceive it that way even if we are completely fine with it.

He’s soliciting ridicule, and even if the fight itself seems over dramatic, it points to the fact that he’s alright mocking you. The breakup was probably the right move. I would also wonder, if he complained to his friends about that, what else has he revealed and complained about?