'AITA for yelling at my ex's GF in front of my kids for trying to make them call her mom?' UPDATED

"AITA for yelling at my ex's GF in front of my kids?"

I (38F) have got three kids (4,6,9) with ex(43M) who cheated on me with a 24yo (Now GF, she moved in two weeks after ex and I split) two years ago. We immediately divorced, and I only have the kids a couple days every other week as I work 70h/w. I finance everything in regards to the kids: extracurricular, camps, clothing, etc.

I can afford it easily, so I go shopping with them, get the emails about their sports, host their parties etc. I am still very involved in my children's lives. My kids told me they don't like the new GF. They say GF is overbearing, controlling, tries to enforce affection, and mothers them. I told ex to talk to her, but he dismissed it, so I told the kids they aren't obliged to listen to her beyond house rules.

Last Thursday GF picked the kids up from my place. I say goodbye to my kids, and go back inside. Five or so minutes later I'm leaving for work, and I see GF's car standing still in my driveway. I walk over and knock on the window.

Me: Hey, is everything alright? Why aren't you leaving?

My younger ones are in the back being quiet, but my 9yo is staring daggers at GF and there is obviously something going on between GF and 9yo (S from here on).

GF: Yes everything is fine! I'm just making a point, S refuses to comply with my rule so I'm not leaving till he does.

Me: S, is that true? What are you refusing to do?

S: She wants me to call her mum, I told her no because you are my mum.

Me, taken aback: GF, I don't believe you get to decide what my children call you. They have told you multiple times they want to call you by your name, and you need to accept that.

GF: Well, I think it's important for them to have a mother's figure in their life and that they call their real family by their titles. Since you're so busy all the time *youngest ones* have even been forgetting you, so I'm just trying to give them a healthy childhood by having them at least remember having a mum.

So this is where AITA comes in. I lost it. I have rarely been so angry. I didn't yell, as I never do, but I did say some pretty nasty things. I told her that she should be grateful to even be a part of my children's life, that she will never replace me as their mother because she has yet to even get them to like her,

that she has got absolutely zero parental authority over my children and how dare she try to force my child to do something he's explicitly said he's uncomfortable with, to just accept her role as their father's new girlfriend and to take them to their dads. I got a phone call later from ex raging at me for disrespecting his new GF and my mum also says I could've handled it better. AITA here?

Thank you so much for all your responses. I am blown away. I have decided to take the appropriate steps and have scheduled a meeting with my boss to discuss working fewer hours. I had never even thought about parental alienation, but I'll be damned before I let that happen.

Edit2: I've gotten a lot of comments and messages regarding custody and why I don't have 50/50 or even full. It's because I work. A lot. Less hours will still mean a min of 50, but I truly never thought about being alienated from my kids. POS ex has always been a good dad, never thought this would happen.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Muninwing said:

Not only NTA, you showed your kids that you’ll fight for them — that you care about them and will stick up for them. There might be consequences... but I think you’ll find that the bond with your kids will be stronger, which is worth it.

[deleted] said:

NTA and I would contact your attorney ASAP. This is parental alienation. Someone who is dad’s girlfriend doesn’t get to demand that your children start calling her mom. That’s the definition of parental alienation.

anonymous053119 said:

NTA- her requests are so extreme. To be honest you probably have a good case of attempted alienation against your ex and this woman, which could lose him the custody he has.

Cocoasneeze said:

NTA. She's not their mom, she disrespected you in front of the kids, so you responded in like manner.

elladee000 said:

NTA- she needs to know her place. It’s not her place to have the kids call her mom. Their dad should have put her straight before this. I’m sure she has tried this before.

milkbeamgalaxia said:

NTA. I understand why some have judged ESH, but I think the kids need to see and hear someone standing up for them. She is not their mother. She is not their stepmother. She is trying to overrule your position as their mother by forcing them to do something they are not comfortable with. This is not a reasonable request. Go off, Mama Bear.

Verdict: NTA.

UPDATE 1 , posted a month later:

Recently I had some drama with GF forcing my kids to call her mum. Details in previous post, but that's the gist of it. I got angry at her, and this sparked them(mostly 10yo) sharing more information regarding their home live at their dad's.

10yo told me he regularly fights with GF/ex, is sent outside/to his room for extended periods, is being forced to empty his plate even after feeling stuffed, and apparently ex has also been telling the kids that I don't care about them because I'm not around a lot. She pushes bathing "as a family" even after 10yo told her no, and has been telling my 6yo daughter she shouldn't play in the dirt/with "boy" things.

They also say GF is overbearing, controlling, enforces affection, and mothers them. I addressed things with ex, but he tells me it's no big deal and that I just don't what's normal in a classic family setting as I've always been at work.

My 10yo recently asked if he could stay with me longer after I had them for the weekend and my 6yo chimed in. I agreed and they stayed an extra night and I dropped them of at school, but now they've been asking more often and it's come to the point my 10yo flat out asked to live with me.

I work crazy hours and am barely at home. They'd be alone 90% of the time, and I don't want that!! Plus, I don't even know if these issues are serious enough to warrant a change in custody agreement!! I'm worried I'm spoiling them when they're at my place because I don't parent them full-time and that my view of raising kids is warped because I work so much.

I feel like they need a stable family live, with parental figures who are at home at reasonable hours and have the time to regularly spend quality time with them, but I also don't want to leave them in a home environment where they don't feel comfortable! I looked into working fewer hours, but at my current position it's not possible without losing my job.

Even working a different job wouldn't make me be at home more as I'd still need to finance three kids/rent/mortgage by myself as my ex absolutely cannot contribute anything!

I don't know what to do? How serious are these things, should I get my kids away from this situation? He's always been a good dad to my knowledge and I'm so surprised about his passive stance in all of this. We did not divorce amicably as he cheated on me with GF, so I'm also worried I'm viewing everything they do as bad just because I personally don't like them.

Update #2, posted four months later:

It's been quite a while. I wasn't planning on it, but many of you have personally messaged me asking for an update. Thank you for all the kindness and concern for my family. Early March I was phoned at work by my neighbour saying my 10yo son was at her place. He had biked in the dark to my house.

He told me that he'd left because GF had punished him for not joining a family bath in a way no one should support. Of course I went home immediately. I told my boss that I was leaving for the night, and I wasn't sure if I would return the next day. After checking if my son was okay, we went to Ex's house.

After arriving, GF immediately started raging at S, but I shut that down very quickly. I went inside the house to collect my children, who were awake because GF was yelling very loudly. They cried and asked to come with me, which was absolutely horrible. To come to the house of your co-parent and to hear your children beg to leave. It took something from me.

I put the children in the car, locked it, and went back inside to grab their essentials. This time, Ex followed me in and tried to excuse GF. I told him that he would not be welcome anywhere near the children until they wanted him to and I trusted him again. I also told him I would be suing for full custody and that my lawyer will contact him about buying out my part of the house.

Nothing he said after that is worth repeating. I came back outside to find GF attacking my car trying to get the children. Things got very nasty and many things were said. She refrained me from reaching my car and the police had to be called. The officers allowed me to leave with my kids after a brief chat.

I did not return to work until early April, my children went to my parents in the country. We videochat daily, my parents say the children are flourishing, though still very shocked and traumatized by what happened. They are talking with a therapist individually. My children have also been inspected by a physician for physical trauma, of which there is no sign, thank the stars.

I will be taking my ex to court soon and will likely get full custody with paying alimony. The house will be put up for sale. Ex has formally been told that GF's presence will result in me fighting for no visitation.

Lastly, I did not end up losing my job. I have decided to get a professional live-in nanny and perhaps au-pair, and am looking into larger properties to accommodate everyone. The kids are very excited to come home to me in September. Thank you all very much.